Freedom

It seems to me the more I live, the more I notice that people without conscience seem to have more freedom. I wonder what is like to do whatever you like without fear of consequence, to have no sense of morality, and to sleep well at night not giving the slightest thought to the reaction of the actions set forth by you.  To fabricate justification for every action, and to twist every situational outcome so that someone else is to blame, or so that someone else is picking up the tab. I have no idea what that is like. I am bound, spiritually to do the right thing, and I have common sense to understand the outcome of my actions. Sometimes Lord knows I want to express my feelings, I would love to act out my anger, frustration, and at times rage, but I am not insane so most of the time I just cry. I am not what most would consider an emotional person, that cries at the drop of a dime, but there are times when that's my only outlet. Sometimes I wish I had to freedom to tell people how I really felt, especially at work, but I think about my daughter, and how I am her rock, and how if anything happens to me, she is left without anyone to care for her in the manner that I would. I started to think about estate planning and there is no one in the world I would want to care for her. My parents would be my default choice because they are two of them, but they are getting so old, and I know that she would be a spoiled brat. I thought about my good friend Kim, but she is not stable mentally, and she has a negative outlook, even though she claims to be a follower of Christ, she has so little faith, and not good with money.  And those are my candidates, both capable of love. I pray to God, I live to be 100 years old. Someone once called me a control freak, and I laughed, because at the time could not have cared less about controlling anyone else, I know that's impossible. But, today right now, I would have to agree 100%. I have to have control over myself,  my thoughts, my actions, my words, my feelings, my life. Yes I must have order. I must be in a stable environment. I must provide a stable environment for my daughter, so if that means not partying, I'm okay with that. If that means I have to stay at a job where I work with negative old bitties to be able to provide, I will do that. If that means my freedom is expressing myself on a blog on a late Friday night to strangers, I am okay with that too.