Done

I haven't written in about six months. I have been busy living my life, however there are emotions that I want to share in hopes of informing someone that there are not alone. For the past four months I have been in contact with my child's father. At first, I was happy as I have prayed for reconciliation, and wanted him to be apart of our daughter's life, but now I realize that may not be a possibility and I am at peace with it. Speaking with him, was a good experience, we could always talk for hours, but then after talking I remembered all the hurtful things, and would get angry, sad, confused after each conversation. Then I realized that I still have feelings for him, and I don't think that they will ever leave me. And he has moved on, so I think that it is best that we don't talk at all. I was finally getting to the point where I thought I had forgiven him, but I still have an emotional response when I think about the past. You would think I would be over him by now. But, he broke my heart, and the saying goes time heals all wounds, but I am not sure how much time I am going to need. I don't even want to date. Honestly, I just desire to get a house in the country, go to work, take care of my daughter, and enjoy dawn and dusk. Live a peaceful life.

Good Day

Today has been a really good day. I decided this morning to change my look, by dusting off one of my wigs and putting it on. It was cute, and I got many compliments. One person even asked what was the inspiration behind changing my look. The truth is I was bored out of my freaking mind, and I needed a change, if only for a day. Something to break the monotony of the everyday routine.  All this week I have changed my routine of coming straight home after work to sit and watch family programing with my daughter. We have run errands, ate out, went shopping...I wanted to do anything beside sit at home, and think about the sex I am not having. So, I have been busying myself...I think I may have an addiction. I didn't want to resort to searching for yet another partner, so I decided that I would try to advert my attention else where. It seems I am back on the "right track" again, however it is difficult. It has been three weeks since my last "fix", and I am counting. I purposely erase all contact information for Mr. Clean, and I am not going to waste my time with Mr. Busy, because I nicknamed him that for a reason. Nevertheless, even with my loins yearning, today was incredibly positive day. I may even have a chance to sleep early.

Over

So this summer I have been having fun. I decided that would get involved in a couple of casual relationships, only to discover that honestly that's not what I want. Today my summer fun was deemed officially over. I returned a gift to the store that I got for Mr. Clean, and I felt sad and upset about it. Sad because of the thought and effort placed to selecting the gift, upset at myself for putting that much effort into buying a gift for someone who could care less. I feel like a fool, because I broke so many of my rules while being involved with Clean, even for that short while but, at least it is over early. I don't know why I am so bothered, it was not that serious. It was the sex, it was just really good and fun, oh well, nothing last forever. And I have my memories....I am still a little sad about it, but I will get over that too.

Thinking

Lately, even with all of the male attention I have been getting, my daughter's sperm donor has been heavy on my mind. I was thinking maybe it is because I see so much of him in my daughter. My baby will be three soon, and he has not made one effort to do anything. That breaks my heart, I thank God that right now, she has no idea.  She ask and I tell her that he is not here, and that is the truth. I took her to the doctor for her check up, and when they asked for family medical history on her father's side, I told them that they are healthy on that side of the family, because I am too embarrassed to admit that I have no idea. I pray that I am right. It is like I had a very long one night stand, and honestly because the pregnancy was not planned I never bothered to really get to know him. If he were truly a sperm donor from a clinic, I would have more information. This a sad situation, a situation that I must tolerate. It was either this or have an abortion. And I love my daughter with all of my heart, but sometimes I think my life would have been easier if I would have gone through with it. So, it was either be a single mother without all of the answers, and all of the responsibility or be a murderer of a child I prayed so much for. I knew this was not the easy route, but this is the path I chose. At times I envy even divorced parents in which the child at least gets to see the other parent from time to time....but these are all my thoughts. She is happy and we have a good time together. I probably over compensate in terms of material things I give her out of guilt. But what else can I do? I think that I am not hiding my emotions well, because she ask me "Mommy are you happy?" at least three times a day. Some days I am just tired, but for the most part. I am. I just hope and pray that she is, and that even though her childhood may not be ideal to some, that it is one filled with love and laughter more than anything else. Even if I don't have all of the answers...

Friend

Okay so for the past couple of weeks, after consistently getting tuned-up, life got in the way. Our timing was off, and with the holiday, my monthly, and travel, we kept missing each other for our weekly session. And of course, me being me, I threw a mobile temper tantrum. Then after that, and no response I decided to try to contact Mr. Always Busy. Honestly, I liked everything about Busy, I am sure I could easily fall for him, because he is my type all the way. And because he is my type, I know that it is best that he is busy, even if he isn't busy. But, I contacted him, just to see if he wanted to get together. Now, I have not seen B in a couple of months, and honestly I talked so much garbage that I did not remember any of the text I sent him. So, of course we made plans and right on queue, he cancelled something about being called in for a mandatory meeting at the last minute, but being the gentleman he is, he apologized. And this time, I did something totally out of character, responded with just one word : Okay. Because in my mind, this happened before, and I didn't get my hopes up too much, plus I knew that Mr. Clean would be back in town soon, so even if it didn't work out with Busy, Mr. Clean would laid it down. I just had to be patient which I am not At All. Needless to say Busy surprised me and showed up the next day. Busy is a LOVER. Very Passionate, he puts his whole being into it. He is concerned about pleasing me first. I know he has to have other women somewhere. He talks during, but honestly it is not that I didn't want to respond, it was just so good to me that I was speechless. I crave him when we are done, and I would get emotionally attached if we were to spend a large amount of time together, but he is really working hard, and I am very single. I was thinking of stopping it with Clean, because he has a busy life too, but in a different way. But, Clean is more available and a freak....and he has a way of making me feel comfortable that Busy doesn't. Clean is very confident (cocky...no pun intended)....and he should be, after all of the shit I talked, I will not do that again. As expected, he put it all the way down, I will "behave". Mr. Clean is a MotherFucker. I have had a couple of "first" with him, and he pleases me too, but with him I can be myself without any judgment.  I like both of them, but honestly, I need some stability. I need a real friend.  Someone I can built a future with. I am thinking about stopping it with Busy and Clean...and just going back to being alone. With Busy, it will be easy because he doesn't really contact me, I have to call him first, plus he is always busy, so if I decide not to call him, then that's it.   But, with Clean its not so easy. I have tried to cut it off at least a couple of  times, and then we are "friends" again. Even when he said that he wanted to stop, I answered with a calm...okay, I  understand, but then he contacted me again. I am not going to lie I like the attention, we have fun together, and I only want one consistent sexual partner. But, the more time I spend with him, the more time I want to spend with him, and that's not going to work. So, of course as a woman you have your ideal man list, and Clean is that for me (of course I can't tell him that), and Busy is my type, and because he is, he doing what my type does, other things. Yep, I need to focus on getting me and my baby a house. I do want a new car, and a new sofa, loveseat, bookshelves, tv stand, and tv. So maybe if  I get a part time job in addition to my full time job, I will not have time to notice the lack, of male companionship in my life, not to mention my daughter's life. I have to do something soon, she is getting older, and I want her to have an example of a good man in her life, so she isn't left searching....like me.

Good

So today my baby went to her first birthday party (that was not all family members). She was invited from a girl in daycare class, and she was so excited about it. She talked about it all last night, and all this morning. Since she is an only child (on my side), it was nice to see her interact with someone else her age, and truly enjoy herself. I am happy my baby has at least one friend. While she played in the swimming pool, I had a chance to talk to one of the mothers. And she is a single mom, and her story is similar to mine, but as I listened to her, I was grateful that I didn't have any of the problems she is having. Yes, ideally I want my daughter to be raised in a two parent household, that is still possibility because honey, men are every where here. However since things are not ideal, I think that they are the best that they can be for us. I wanted my child's father to make an effort to be a part of her life, but he is making none at all, and honestly at first it was difficult, and I cursed the day he was born, and wished bad on him, his wife , his family and I hated everything  about him, except our daughter. But, now, I am grateful for his consistency. I don't have to argue with anyone. I don't have to get his permission for anything. I don't have to go to court for anything, get a lawyer, none of that. Now, of course I don't get child support, but I don't get the headache that couple of dollars would bring along with it. At this moment my child  is happy and very spoiled, and even though our situation is not ideal, it is not uncommon either.  I look at her, and see him but the part that I loved about him I also love about her, she is truly  the love of my life. She makes me laugh every day all the time. At the party she cried because she wanted to take her swim cap off, but she has so much hair, and she doesn't like for me comb it so I say no. So she cried and went to one of the other adults at the party, and basically made a scene. I guess I had the "embarrassed " face, so her daycare teacher, asked her to apologize to me for acting like a spoiled brat. Of course being the stubborn child that she is, she did not apologize, she just stop crying changed the subject, and went to play in the pool, with the cap on. Then hours later we are at home, then she says to me, "I am sorry mommy for acting up at the party". I didn't start to apologize to my mother until I became an adult, so I know that is his spirit in her. I am the only one that knows it, but I am at peace with it now.  Things are good, at work I have haters, but I have matured to the point where, I don't care what they do, or say. I am going there, getting my check, and working smart. I am happy, my assistants are happy working with me, and my patients are happy. Everyone else is irrelevant.  I am getting sex on the regular. Let me say that again......I am getting sex on the regular, and that helps relieve a lot of stress. Dick in my life, does matter. It's not a relationship, however, this man is 17 years my senior... he is in great shape(prior military), and experienced, and even though he makes me angry at times, he knows what to say, when to say it, and what to do to keep me satisfied. I may not ever go back to anyone under 40. Yeah I am doing someone's grandfather, and it is good to me. He has money. He is always dressed as man should be, and he is well endowed. My body had to adjust to his size. He is nasty, just like me, and I can do whatever, say whatever while I am with him during our sessions, and there is judgment at all. I am enjoying myself. It is not serous, but I don't want anything serious, right now. I told him that's what I wanted, and he is on board (even though I heard him jokingly say that he wanted to be the only one pleasuring me) during one of our conversations. I heard him, and honestly at this time he is, but I can not guarantee it will stay that way, but for now. I am satisfied with everything. I thank God in Jesus' name for my blessings.

Of Course

So of course after I have made plans to be nice, a guy wants to show his true colors....never fails. I have decided not to get too bent out of shape about it. It happens, guys feel some type of way about a woman who tells the truth. No I don't want a relationship, no I am not going to trip if we don't see each other again. It is possible for a woman to not get emotionally involved. Yes, I like you. Yes the sex is great, but I don't want anything heavy right now. I like that he is older with responsibilities, and honestly I don't feel the need to share any information about my personal life. My fantasy is to escape, if only for a couple of hours, get pleasured then it is back to my uncomplicated  routine life. I say thank you, sir, and until next time....But, now it is I'm busy with work and my son, blah blah, blah, and I am not waiting for anyone, so it is on to the next...appointment already made and confirmed. I have waited on men in the past, and that got me no where, so now I am not.....there is always someone else eager to please, they are just a phone call away........