Thinking

Lately, even with all of the male attention I have been getting, my daughter's sperm donor has been heavy on my mind. I was thinking maybe it is because I see so much of him in my daughter. My baby will be three soon, and he has not made one effort to do anything. That breaks my heart, I thank God that right now, she has no idea.  She ask and I tell her that he is not here, and that is the truth. I took her to the doctor for her check up, and when they asked for family medical history on her father's side, I told them that they are healthy on that side of the family, because I am too embarrassed to admit that I have no idea. I pray that I am right. It is like I had a very long one night stand, and honestly because the pregnancy was not planned I never bothered to really get to know him. If he were truly a sperm donor from a clinic, I would have more information. This a sad situation, a situation that I must tolerate. It was either this or have an abortion. And I love my daughter with all of my heart, but sometimes I think my life would have been easier if I would have gone through with it. So, it was either be a single mother without all of the answers, and all of the responsibility or be a murderer of a child I prayed so much for. I knew this was not the easy route, but this is the path I chose. At times I envy even divorced parents in which the child at least gets to see the other parent from time to time....but these are all my thoughts. She is happy and we have a good time together. I probably over compensate in terms of material things I give her out of guilt. But what else can I do? I think that I am not hiding my emotions well, because she ask me "Mommy are you happy?" at least three times a day. Some days I am just tired, but for the most part. I am. I just hope and pray that she is, and that even though her childhood may not be ideal to some, that it is one filled with love and laughter more than anything else. Even if I don't have all of the answers...