Lesson Learned

 So it has been about 4 months since I have moved back south. And honestly I like it, my life style is really laid back, and routine. I am grateful, and  I thank God every day for my blessing, and I take nothing for granted. However, at times I do get a little lonely, and yearn to have at the very least a physical connection with a man. I have been celibate for 3 years (mostly by choice). Since getting pregnant with my daughter, and circumstances surrounding the pregnancy, and being a single parent, I am just not as willing to take the risk. I look at romantic love as sort of like winning the lottery, there is a greater chance that you will lose than win, and I have the history to show it. I joke with myself all of the time, that I am the female "Good Luck Chuck", which is funny if this was a comedy. But, it is not if that is your reality, and it is mine. If you are unfamiliar with the plot of movie, every woman that Chuck has sex with , marries the next guy she is in a relationship with....funny for a man, not so if you are a woman.  So, I decided to settle, that romantic love is a fantasy, that's why love movies, songs, books, do so well is terms of business, because it not a realistic obtainable goal.  I  decided that am not going to look for love, if it happens great, if not, then I will continue to live my life, and be content. So, I had to take my car to dealership because there was a part it needed. While I was there, a nice young salesman asked me to complete a survey. I replied that I was not interested in buying another car at this time, because honestly I knew that's what he was interested in. He was handsome, young about 8 years younger than me, but not a very good salesman. We flirted for a about 30 mins, and he took my telephone number, just in case there was an event at the store and he wanted to contact me. Now, I was going there after work, no glam at all. No make-up,  scrubs,  socks with flip-flops. I made it clear that I am a single parent, and that most importantly, I was not interested in buying another car. I asked him about his family, and if his family had a business, what was he doing selling cars? He replied that he didn't want to be in the hot sun...all I heard was I am lazy, and I would rather sit here and try to sell women cars, using whatever means necessary, rather than to actually work to continue my family legacy... which was a total turn off, the last thing I need in my life was another spoiled brat that would rather take the easy way out, than to man up and take the reigns. Now that was mind talking, but my lust was saying, girl this is your chance, you know that he will try to get you buy a car, and he is willing to try to anything to get you to buy one...why not string him along, get your insides massaged, and then let him go.  He is young, probably has a lot of stamina, he can be your buddy. At least ask him, his intentions. So I did. I asked him twice no response.  And was very direct, I did not like that, and the fact I see disease every day. There was this young beautiful pregnant patient, that was HIV+, and reality set in. Romantic fantasy love, may not be real, but STD's are, and that can happen to me.  So after a couple of text between us. I asked him not to contact me anymore. I need more, I deserve more, that just a cutty buddy. I am happy with the decision I made the leave him alone. Yeah I want not to make to year 4, but I have to be sure. I don't feel like sharing my soul, body or time with someone that will not cherish it. So I will continue to wait.