Listening to my voice.

It has been awhile since writing here, I just would rather get my rest since I have so much happening in my daily routine. I have decided to move back down south. I like the weather, and I have the opportunity to live in a city that spoke about living in prior to having my daughter, but didn't know how it was going to happen. I feel bad because I have a stable job here, but I have NO social life. So basically, every other weekend my daughter and I are leaving town, for entertainment or to be with family, I get tired of driving two plus hours for a decent mall, or a decent zoo, my quality of life is on zero. I would like to get married some day, and have my daughter a stable present father figure in her life. I would like to be an active member of the community. I want a church home I just want to settle in a place, where I want to stay. I feel like I have been in a low point for the past 2.5 years, and now its time to get back to my life.  And honestly emotionally I have been. I have decided to finally let go of the past, the anger, the hurt, and move on with my daughter. It has been hard, but it is more harmful for me and my daughter for me to dwell in it, and most of the time other than me  only God knows my true feelings, I do a great job of masking them when I feel overwhelm, prayer  reading my Bible, and listening to my Bible (in the car) helps. Some days I feel bad and selfish for planning to leave, because my patients are so grateful, however I feel that I want some fulfillment after work. I want my daughter to be in a place where she can grow intellectually, spiritually, and physically, where she has opportunities to at least play outside without the chance of being hit by a car. She is so smart, and beautiful, it would be ideal to keep her isolated, however I feel that I would rather be there for when she falls to help her up, instead of pretending that she will never fall. So we are leaving, I  pray everyday that (at least in my heart) that I am making the right decision for the both of us. I want to earn more money, and to do that I have to go to private practice, I did not want the responsibility of ownership, but it seems that I done with working for other people, earning them money. I pray that God will lead me to the right practice, with a experienced motivated positive staff,  modern functioning equipment, and PAYING patients ;). I place where we have so much fun I forget it's work. I place that would allow time for a family life, or time to get Mumu from daycare on time. I have a feeling my future husband is there, my practice, our family life is there, so once again we will packing up this house and moving. 2015 is going to be wonderful  and full of joy for me and MuMu.

OBC

A couple of years ago, my ex introduced me to this web-site for casual dating only. So, I have been flirting with the idea of going on there and finding me a piece, but every man on there looks like a pervert. And lust is just oozing out of the pictures. Some of the pictures are so funny. I haven't had sex with another human being in 30 months, and some times I feel the urge, but when I think about all of the risk, I usually just hook myself up and wait for the next urge, next month. I will be moving to warmer weather and bluer skies. As soon as I get my paper work together. And I have decided this is where we (me and my mini me) are going to settle. I like warm weather, and being near the beach, and being near a major city with all of the conveniences of shopping, and plenty of family and adult fun without having to travel every weekend. And honestly if I am going to start dating again, I need to be in a place where I have a pool to choose from. I am sure Mr. Right is going to have to find me, but currently Mr. Right Now will do.  I had an old buddy contact via facebook, he is such a gentleman. I wish he was here on this side of world, that is a guaranteed good time, with no drama, or emotional attachments, and I never felt used afterwards, just satisfied. We spent many a lunch hour just getting it in....such great memories. If he comes to the states this or even next year, I will definitely get that plane ticket to Texas, even though I don't even like Texas at all.

Feeling the urge

Initially, I was not going to write here, there was something urging me to do so.  I thought I would write about my daughter, and how stubborn she has become, wanting to do everything her way. Which I allow her to do until she just gets so frustrated that I help her, even though she always refuses my help at the on set of the activity or task. It is cute now, but I see she is the type that likes to learn from trial and error, that is okay now, but eventually she will have to learn from the experiences of others. She is smart, I am sure that she will catch on fast. I have been thinking about a beach house lately, somewhere I can go in the weekend where Naomi will have room to run around without fear of a vehicular man slaughter. I just want a porch a breeze no near by neighbors, and the sounds of the waves. I think about vacation more than anything else. Nice peace and quiet. I wish that Naomi's father was responsible so I could have a break at least one weekend out of each month. So I could go to the movies or mall without having to either take a day off from work or hire a babysitter. Or even start to date again. Wishful thinking, but I have faith it will all work out. Well. I am tired, and I need to stop looking at this bright screen so that I may be able to get some rest. If the urge to write returns....I will do so.

Freedom

It seems to me the more I live, the more I notice that people without conscience seem to have more freedom. I wonder what is like to do whatever you like without fear of consequence, to have no sense of morality, and to sleep well at night not giving the slightest thought to the reaction of the actions set forth by you.  To fabricate justification for every action, and to twist every situational outcome so that someone else is to blame, or so that someone else is picking up the tab. I have no idea what that is like. I am bound, spiritually to do the right thing, and I have common sense to understand the outcome of my actions. Sometimes Lord knows I want to express my feelings, I would love to act out my anger, frustration, and at times rage, but I am not insane so most of the time I just cry. I am not what most would consider an emotional person, that cries at the drop of a dime, but there are times when that's my only outlet. Sometimes I wish I had to freedom to tell people how I really felt, especially at work, but I think about my daughter, and how I am her rock, and how if anything happens to me, she is left without anyone to care for her in the manner that I would. I started to think about estate planning and there is no one in the world I would want to care for her. My parents would be my default choice because they are two of them, but they are getting so old, and I know that she would be a spoiled brat. I thought about my good friend Kim, but she is not stable mentally, and she has a negative outlook, even though she claims to be a follower of Christ, she has so little faith, and not good with money.  And those are my candidates, both capable of love. I pray to God, I live to be 100 years old. Someone once called me a control freak, and I laughed, because at the time could not have cared less about controlling anyone else, I know that's impossible. But, today right now, I would have to agree 100%. I have to have control over myself,  my thoughts, my actions, my words, my feelings, my life. Yes I must have order. I must be in a stable environment. I must provide a stable environment for my daughter, so if that means not partying, I'm okay with that. If that means I have to stay at a job where I work with negative old bitties to be able to provide, I will do that. If that means my freedom is expressing myself on a blog on a late Friday night to strangers, I am okay with that too.

Comfortable in my skin

 So about a month ago I was talking with a so called friend, and I was serious when I told her that I have no interest in dating. Not in a bitter angry woman, I can do it all myself tone, but in a I am happy and fulfilled with the way my life is right now tone. I am not starving, my daughter is not starving, I am at a stable job, where I am not bothered by other colleagues, I enjoy my staff, and my patients are appreciative, I have an huge office that I don't have to share, my baby is learning to talk, and doesn't cry everyday when I drop her off at daycare. I enjoy my shopping trips to Wal-mart, and Kroger to re-stock the house. I cook what I want, when I want to. My house stays clean. I sleep well. I enjoy my daughter's company, which means we watch Disney Jr. most nights, while she falls asleep. I am happy being a single mother. It's okay with me that I am not it a romantic relationship with anyone else other than myself. I enjoy wearing my briefs, yes I like the big granny full coverage panties that I can pull up over my naval. I like wearing flats and sneakers and yoga pants and tee shirts.  I like that I am not uncomfortable for the stake of looking good. I like my corn-less bunion less feet, they look wonderful in my flip flops. I like my locs, and not having to change my look to keep anyone interested. I like that I can get my tattoos where I want to without consulting anyone, but God. I like putting my child in her bed after she falls asleep in my bed, and coming back to my bed to go to sleep without having someone tap me on the shoulder for sex. I like the idea of being me, totally. Not having to please my mate, being only concerned with pleasing God, and living life to the fullest. I am at peace with providing (emotionally and financially) for my daughter, and being the best parent I can be. I like my routine. And after explaining this, my so called friend asked me, if I thought I should talk to someone (like a therapist), because after ten years, after all of the up's and downs with dating and failed relationships, I have decided to stop the madness, stop searching for the fairy tale ending, stop searching for Mr. Right, and to not have marriage as a goal on my bucket list. I decided to be happy where I am with myself, by myself (well not really, I have my daughter.) I have the energy to travel (which is what I have always wanted to do), to look forward exploring the world and meeting new people and  learning different perspectives (once I get my child her passport). Well, I haven't spoken to that girl in about two weeks, but since then I have grown to appreciate what people call the little things, which are to me the greatest moments in life. I looked at my daughter, she is almost two years old, and I can still remember her little heart beat on the sonogram at 6 weeks. The heart beat that let me see that she was alive, the image of  the little pinpoint heart beat that motivated me to fight for her life even though my mind (and her father) tried to convince me that she was not a baby yet, and my life would be easier if I killed her. And I look at how much she has grown, and only God truly knows how much joy she has brought to my life. I tell her, even though I am sure that she doesn't understand that I don't know what I would do without her.  I understand what unconditional love is. Becoming a parent taught me that. I understand my parents now more than ever...I cried tears of joy the other night, because at this moment I am peacefully happy, and ever so grateful.

Snowed In

I am excited I have tomorrow off of work due to the foot of snow outside of  my window, but truly with a toddler as a single parent I am never "off". I am grateful, but I am tired. I have planned a vacation for October, and I am planning one for May, but I don't have to go anywhere really. I just need a brief break, one evening where I don't have to cook dinner are change diapers, after dealing with  8 hours of whining children and staff at the office, would be nice.  One weekend where I am not washing, folding, vacuuming, braiding hair, where I can go the gym, for as long as I want without someone bothering me mid-work out to come get an unruly toddler. I wish I had the money for a nanny. I love my daughter, she makes me smile so much that sometimes I forget about everything else, but sometimes she gets on my last nerve, and since we moved I know that I am the only constant in her life, and at times I think about how I am going to do this, and then I say to myself if I don't no one else will, so I suck it up and go on auto pilot.  Only with God's help am I able to complete all of my task without going insane.  He is the One constant in my life, I talk to Him more than anyone since we moved, and although I yearn for companionship, with a cute little girl I have to be very careful, and personally, I don't think I am emotionally ready for a romantic, intimate, sexual relationship of any kind. I joke with my friends that it has been two years, and  that at the first chance I get, I'm going to start dating again, and even though I have lost the "baby weight", I just don't feel like trying  anymore . I have reached the no nonsense zone. Yes, I am bitter, scorned, angry. But, most of all exhausted. I am going to enjoy sleeping in tomorrow / today.