My Baby

I love my baby. She is too much. I am so happy that she is happy, that's important to me. I do silly things to make her laugh, I love her little giggle. These are good moments....

Slumber Party

A couple of weeks ago, my mother and I decided to invite my 8 year old niece for a weekend with the girls, this included her two cousin ages 5 and 3. So after J's(8 year old) fashion show, and walking around at the expo, going to get cupcakes, and dinner, running around outside, not to mention my crying infant because she didn't want to be away from me, all the Nicki Minaj (clean version) songs that I can stand, baths, lotion downs (no ashy girls), wrapping up hair, and let's not forget all the back talk, I am happy that at 1130 pm. they are all asleep. But, the thing is I don't hate it, it's work, but I almost cried when I saw my niece on that runway, I was thinking man she has grown so fast (are those little breast growing.....ahhhh), is this what I have to look forward to? WOW. Tomorrow we are suppose to be going to church, and that is gong to be crazy, because I don't know which car we are going in. I was thinking maybe I could sit them down and give them a lesson here. I know enough about the bible to teach them. It would be better than dressing up and them going to church not learning anything other than church is a place where people dress up and sing songs, it's a shame some adults still think that's what church is all about.  I am thinking, me teaching them would be better, at least I know that way they would have some understanding. Plus J, will listen to me, and if she listens then the others will also.  All in all I enjoy slumber parties, they are a lot of work yes, but I love children, they are pure, and their perception is always optimistic. The 5 year old said auntie you need to have another baby, I just laughed at her, and said not right now. I want another one, so my child will not be my only child, but not now. I am on the verge of getting it together. Its not the time, I am beyond celibate, and my body hasn't been right since the birth of my daughter, I get two weeks of bliss, before the red dot sale, I'm still lactating even though I stopped breast feeding almost six months ago. I might have to go to the doctor and get put on hormones. I hate them, I want everything to get back on track naturally, so I will wait a little more. Anyway, I am tired those girls wore me out. It was a great day......

Only God

Sometimes I feel as if God and God alone understands exactly what I am going through, it doesn't matter how much I try to talk to people to make them understand,  it seems as if I am not communicating or my point is not coming across clearly. If I speak directly, I am rude or mean, insensitive, or at times I feel why go through the trouble of trying to explain, when I don't have their full attention. Well, at least here there is no judgement and if there is I don't care, I have to get to a point where I truly believe that people's judgement of me don't matter, they have neither a heaven nor a hell to place me in. Like when I look at the stats for this page, I don't know anyone in Russia, Germany, or the UK, but it seems that for some reason people there are interested in my ramblings, thanks for your support. I thank you for taking time out of your lives to read about mine, there is no greater gift than that, (because time is the only gift we are given that we can't get back once it is gone), and if you choose to spend your's reading my journal, then I truly hope you gain something it. (hopefully learning from my mistakes). Mistake number one NO AFRICAN MEN, stay away from them and your lives will be better off....lol....I'm joking, good and evil people come in all races and nationalities, sexes and ages. Just pray, and keep your guards up. I have learned that good people are good no matter what, they may not always be nice (me), but they do good, not have good intentions, but actually do good with no selfish motives. I haven't come across many of these, but I know they are out there.

Anyways, I have mixed feelings about a thing, I see my sister-in-law, and my mother so wrapped in their husbands that I am not sure if they are making idols out of them. I am not sure if it is the environment or if I am "bitter", or if it is just my personality. Even my friend wants to hook me up with a guy. I am not a lesbian, but I just feel that my life should not be so caught up in another, that I loose myself, or that I loose sight of even God. I am not going to stop being myself to please another, some call it compromise, but from what I have seen, the men don't compromise at all. I am still going to do what I was doing before, I am not going to stop going to church, or doing the things I like to do. Even when I was screwing my child's father, I still did and went where I wanted to go alone. I have always been a "loner" I don't mind going to the movies alone, restaurants alone, concerts alone, clubs alone, I figure you can meet new people when you get there, have fun, and leave their asses right there, now that may not be the safest, and I know that Jesus is with me always because I am still here, and now since the little one is here, there will be none of that (club, concert) because she has only me to depend upon. Maybe I am not ready for a relationship, with anyone other than God. Because at this point I could see myself getting married to someone that I'm not in love with, if he could be a great father to my daughter, a provider, and gives me good sex when I want. We don't even have to sleep in the same bed, in fact I would prefer it that way, so I wouldn't be all hot (I can't sleep when someone is all on me and it is hot and I am sweating). Before I said that I wouldn't get with anymore military men, but at this point it would be even better, that way he could deploy, and get out of my face for at least half a year, come home all is good for a short while, then bye bye babe, see you again in another six months, I'll take care of home and the pay check while you are away "fighting for freedom", I've had practice...lol. I am so sick of all this fantasy, happily ever after crap, it never works out that way. I am not sure I want passion (good or bad) that shit is draining and you end up worse off than the beginning, I want stability, routine. Only God knows what I need, I reckon ( the country's coming out...lol) He will give to me, at the right time.

I prefer battery operated

I love the spring, I like the flowers, the perfect breezes, along with the mild warm weather and sunshine. This morning I heard Kirk Franklin (and the real singers) song Love (I think that's the name of the song), I had forgotten just how much I like that song, anyway, today was a good day.

 The other day I was chatting with my old assistant, and for a minute I had forgotten that he was married with two children, I am not going to lie, I enjoyed the sexual undertones of the conversation, but then I thought about his poor wife, so while we were working together, I had gotten pregnant shortly after beginning to work with him (by someone else, let me clear that up), and looking at his behavior about the office, I knew that he was a hoe, and didn't keep his mouth shut. I was thinking here is a man in his late thirties, attractive, clean cut, with a beautiful wife and two beautiful girls (see womanizers always have daughters as a pay back), okay job, and he would risk losing all of that (job included) for a piece of ass, what a fool. I would see him everyday, flirting with every woman he saw, I didn't care because as long as he did his job, kept my operatory clean ( I have to give that to him, he was VERY clean, I can't stand a nasty sloppy, junkie man), well stocked, and was respectful, his personal affairs didn't concern me. He used to ask me to go to AppleBees all of the time ( I thought that was too much of a coincidence, being as though that's where the trouble started with my sperm donor), and the service was/ is a  small place, so I figured he either knew my sperm donor, or the sperm donor ran his mouth, and he knew someone that knew him, either way I was not going to knowing have a fling with a married man, and in the work place, both situations separately have a bad outcome, but together makes it even worse. I know that he just wanted some new pussy, because a man once told me that there's no pussy like new pussy, but being as though I was pregnant and so angry that sex was the furthest thing from my mind ( it still is, well kind of ), and the fact that he was very married, that made me even more angry. I was so mean and nasty to that man that I almost made him cry, on a couple of occasions, but he it wasn't him, I was just taking my anger out on him, that I should have been taking out on my sperm donor, but I couldn't or I am not so sure that I would have my freedom...lol. I laugh now, but I was mad as hell. I used to wake up out of my sleep, get in my car and drive by his apartment, thinking, what could I do that would express my anger without having the end result of me being in handcuffs? I thought about putting mini snickers bars in his beloved car tank. Tagging his vehicle, literally blowing the car up, then something would say, if you do any of those things you'll be in jail, then who will take care of your baby. You will not be able to practice again , you've worked too hard to throw that away for this fool that doesn't give a damn about you or even his baby, forget this guy, then I would go home and pray, and cry myself to sleep.  I thought about going up to his job and fucking him up, then I would look like the crazy one...lol. If I was younger, maybe I could have gotten away with it, but thank God I didn't act on impulse. Thank God...even in the mist of my rage, He was there to talk some sense into me. Anyway, so this assistant, and I were chatting and  I had to remind him that he was married. It's like he had forgotten, what a fool, I declined his advances, I didn't "send him a pic", I told him that I was done giving out samples, which I am. A penis is a penis is a penis, some are bigger, thicker, longer, curvier than others, but I am familiar with them, and  I am done with ones that are attached to assholes, I have had more than my share of those, it would be nice if one could find me, with a Man attached to it...ha ha ha ....until then I will just use the one that comes with batteries, no problems with those. No drama, No diseases, no baby mama drama, no infidelity, no lying, no emotional attachments, just turn it on, buzz buzz buzz ahhhhhh, wipe it off, put it away and  go to sleep.

Time waits for no man.....

Today I was riding with my sister in law and she happened to have Pleasure P playing on the ipod, oh the memories...lol, but they are just that memories. Nothing can be like it was, time keeps moving forward, I would write more, but I am so sleepy.....Goodnight.

All Day Long

Today started off wonderful, but once this child of mine woke up, she cried all day long. If she was an adult I would have screamed at her, or slapped her, but since she is a child and I know that she doesn't understand, and can't communicate verbally, I just did the best I could do. I fed her, changed her, let her sleep, and attempted to un-braid and re- braid that thick bush of hair. Needless to say she has an afro...lol. Today I needed a nanny or baby sitter, someone to take this child while I just relaxed. My parents get home, and all they can say is "well that's what babies do". It is okay some times, but I need to go back to work, so I can get a break from this at home mom shit. I joked with someone about getting any job, even if it makes just enough to pay the daycare, for the brief break, I am considering it. I am not the kind of person that needs anyone in my face all day, everyday to prove I love them. I prefer if they go away, sometime sort of like a reminder, that no one, except Jesus is going to be with you always. Plus it gives me a chance to miss them.  I need a weekend, just a weekend to myself, a hotel room, a spa, and some room service. No one to remind me of how much weight I've gained since getting pregnant, no one to remind me that I don't have a job, no one vomiting on me, or crying because they are hungry, no new bills in the mail, no one calling me for me to listen to their stories of how great their lives are, or calling to be noisy about what I am doing with my life....just silence. I need for something good to happen. I don't want to hear one more, this too shall pass, or it's going to be okay....I need for it to be okay now, not tomorrow. I need a miracle now. Oh well, enough wining....let me sleep, tomorrow will be better.

Quiet Time

Lately things have been good. I was excited that my baby girl finally uttered the words mama. I am sure she will be talking my ears off in no time...lol. Yesterday as I explored the area, I may have found an area suitable for raising her, great school systems, convenient to all stores,  close to the water, not too far away but far enough from the grandparents and the rest of the family, and to top it all off, the people were really nice. Just random strangers, it is important to me that people are nice, living here people are just so rude, and I don't need that type of energy all day every day.  It is a well kept up area, so when everything works out, then we will be moving there. It's early in the morning I should be reviewing my material for the written portion of this exam coming up on Friday, but since the little one is asleep and the house is quiet, and I have been so tired lately (trying to exercise and rid my body of this baby weight), I haven't made the time to sit and write, so I decided that instead of writing  late at night, I would wake up early, and after chatting with God, reading my daily bread, getting a snack, and before the sun and my little girl rises, I would sit and just write. Anyway, as I was searching for material (books) to study for my exam, first I was surprised that I kept so much of this stuff, second, I am so happy that I don't have to go through professional school again. But, the good thing is that now when I am reviewing the material, I know it, because I have actually had a chance to use it ( well not in a 11 months), but it is different than when I attempted to learn it without having any experience. As I look back, I know it was no one but God that help me make it through. I used to cry and pray so much, because I didn't know how to study. Everything in terms of school work just came so easy to me. I would listen in class, take a few notes, and then just past the test. I didn't have to study because I listened in class, even in college. But in professional school, the amount of information you are required to learn and the amount of time allotted required out of class study, so I prayed and cried and studied. I had a great study partner, he is was a teacher prior to entering medical school, so he had a way of making the concepts easy to understand. Every time we studied together I would get an A. Too bad that we could never see eye to eye on the relationship level. He was even upset that I had a baby without him, negro please, was I suppose to wait on him, while he screwed all of the nurses on his floor....lol. He is young intelligent attractive and potentially wealthy, plus he was a womanizer before becoming a Dr. so no way, plus Medical Doctors are never home anyway.  Work is their life. Anyway, I am happy that I don't have to go through professional school ever again, I have my degree, and best of all I actually know my profession...funny right. Well, my quiet time is over, the little one is awake, the sun is up, and it is time for us to begin our day.