Only God

Sometimes I feel as if God and God alone understands exactly what I am going through, it doesn't matter how much I try to talk to people to make them understand,  it seems as if I am not communicating or my point is not coming across clearly. If I speak directly, I am rude or mean, insensitive, or at times I feel why go through the trouble of trying to explain, when I don't have their full attention. Well, at least here there is no judgement and if there is I don't care, I have to get to a point where I truly believe that people's judgement of me don't matter, they have neither a heaven nor a hell to place me in. Like when I look at the stats for this page, I don't know anyone in Russia, Germany, or the UK, but it seems that for some reason people there are interested in my ramblings, thanks for your support. I thank you for taking time out of your lives to read about mine, there is no greater gift than that, (because time is the only gift we are given that we can't get back once it is gone), and if you choose to spend your's reading my journal, then I truly hope you gain something it. (hopefully learning from my mistakes). Mistake number one NO AFRICAN MEN, stay away from them and your lives will be better off....lol....I'm joking, good and evil people come in all races and nationalities, sexes and ages. Just pray, and keep your guards up. I have learned that good people are good no matter what, they may not always be nice (me), but they do good, not have good intentions, but actually do good with no selfish motives. I haven't come across many of these, but I know they are out there.

Anyways, I have mixed feelings about a thing, I see my sister-in-law, and my mother so wrapped in their husbands that I am not sure if they are making idols out of them. I am not sure if it is the environment or if I am "bitter", or if it is just my personality. Even my friend wants to hook me up with a guy. I am not a lesbian, but I just feel that my life should not be so caught up in another, that I loose myself, or that I loose sight of even God. I am not going to stop being myself to please another, some call it compromise, but from what I have seen, the men don't compromise at all. I am still going to do what I was doing before, I am not going to stop going to church, or doing the things I like to do. Even when I was screwing my child's father, I still did and went where I wanted to go alone. I have always been a "loner" I don't mind going to the movies alone, restaurants alone, concerts alone, clubs alone, I figure you can meet new people when you get there, have fun, and leave their asses right there, now that may not be the safest, and I know that Jesus is with me always because I am still here, and now since the little one is here, there will be none of that (club, concert) because she has only me to depend upon. Maybe I am not ready for a relationship, with anyone other than God. Because at this point I could see myself getting married to someone that I'm not in love with, if he could be a great father to my daughter, a provider, and gives me good sex when I want. We don't even have to sleep in the same bed, in fact I would prefer it that way, so I wouldn't be all hot (I can't sleep when someone is all on me and it is hot and I am sweating). Before I said that I wouldn't get with anymore military men, but at this point it would be even better, that way he could deploy, and get out of my face for at least half a year, come home all is good for a short while, then bye bye babe, see you again in another six months, I'll take care of home and the pay check while you are away "fighting for freedom", I've had practice...lol. I am so sick of all this fantasy, happily ever after crap, it never works out that way. I am not sure I want passion (good or bad) that shit is draining and you end up worse off than the beginning, I want stability, routine. Only God knows what I need, I reckon ( the country's coming out...lol) He will give to me, at the right time.