Separation

Today, I took my baby to daycare. This is the second day, but I think I am having a harder time than she is. She cried so much this morning, and I could tell yesterday, when I picked her up that she had been crying all day, she didn't even smile at me. I was excited yesterday, but I'll be going to work today  and will not see her until later on tonight. I feel sad. This is the beginning of a new chapter for us. Hopefully by next year, I will be financially prepared to move back down south, and finally plant some roots. I like the warm weather, and I love the beach, the sounds of the waves are soothing to me. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I went to Virginia Beach a couple of weeks ago. I am ready, at least to be on our own. I am not ready for a relationship, I don't trust men at all. Some man was flirting with me yesterday, and I just shut it down. My goals are to get financially staple, move, and stay in one place so I can raise my daughter to the best of my ability.  I communicated with daughter's father, to express my feelings on how I think it's irresponsible to be a dead-beat, and how hurt I was, and even after a year plus, how angry I still am, and of course according to him everything I say is bullshit, and I am delusional. He stated that he did nothing wrong, and everything was a figment of my imagination.  Our daughter, is not a child, she is "my decision". Then I realized that if he thinks nothing is wrong with making a child, then not taking any responsibility for his actions, then it doesn't matter how angry I am with him, or how many times I tell him. Nothing I say, is going to make a difference. I have to deal with my feelings, and raise our daughter. She is a beautiful, smart, little girl, she looks just like him, even though he refuses to claim her. Well, after this month of working I will have enough money to pay my lawyer, so since he is doesn't care, hopefully I will get my full custody, and child support without any fight from him. I wish it didn't have to be like this, but oh well. Once, everything is on paper, I'll take my daughter, and we will go have our nice lives together on the beach....I miss my baby. Let me go busy myself, so that I will not have to think about it.

Nothing Better....

Lately I have been so pre-occupied with trying to find a job, and finally getting it together that I have really been too tired to write anything. I would think about it but by the time thought would come into my mind I would be asleep. I have this yearning to move to a coast, any coast as long as I am close to the water. The thing I have to do first is stack my money, I have temp job coming up so I plan to make the most of it, and in the mean time still search for permanent employment. I finally found a church that I like enough to attend on a regular basis. By, 2014 I will be on my way to establishing a home for me and baby girl. I am learning to let people and their crap go. I still get upset with my sperm donor at the beginning of every month, but I am truly starting to believe that the anger I am able to suppress surfaces with the cycling of my hormones, and I start my pill soon, so I will see how that goes. I know time and prayer will help also, because I can't ignore it, my daughter is looking more and more like him everyday. I don't feel I properly expressed my anger, I should have acted out, at least a little, nasty e-mails didn't get it. Once I start working, and working out consistently, and finally open myself up to start dating again, I will forgive and forget. Honestly, I just want to move somewhere and start over. New place, new job, new people, just me and my daughter and happy days. Nothing would better than that right now...