Mommy blues

I was so excited last night as my little princess slept in her room all by herself all night. I slept well, but I think that she slept better. I arose a couple of times just to check on her, and she was in a deep sleep. I missed her body heat in the bed with me, but I didn't miss being kicking it the ribs, or side or waking up to pull her back from the edge of the bed. I realized that I haven't been in my bed (my king size bed) alone for two years.  It is cold and I felt lonely. I talked to a friend of mine and she is scheduled to get married around the first week of October (I am looking forward to going to Miami, more than the wedding...lol), she jokes that I will probably be married before her, and I laugh because I know where I am with men (trust on E) and looking at the prospects in the area, I have a greater chance at winning both the Mega Millions and Power Ball jackpots in the same week, than getting married before she, does. But, it is lonely at night, and even though I am completely emotionally unavailable,my flesh is not dead. I promised God, that the next man to be in our (because we are a package) lives He would have to choose, because obviously I have done a poor job choosing on my own thus far. So I will have to endure a cold bed until He says otherwise, but I can be enthusiastic about what God has in store for us.

Hell hath no fury....

Have you ever been so angry at someone that you fantasized about hurting them, not to the point of death or permanent disfigurement, but just enough for them to experience severe physical pain and suffering, and to see them cry out in pure unadulterated agony, so they can understand the emotional pain and suffering they have inflicted upon you? Maybe filling their chest with rock salt with a shot gun, or stripping them naked, tying them up, placing hundreds of small paper cuts throughout their body, then dousing them with rubbing alcohol, or tassering them at regular intervals, or breaking their pinky toes, all the awhile not saying a word, until they say they are sorry. Some people seem to think that I am psycho, but if you think someone is mentally ill, then why on earth would you piss them off? I am not psycho, I am very sane, I know that I can not do these things without suffering the consequences of my actions, and I have too much to lose. So, I do the Christ-like alternative and lean on the promises of God (Romans 12:19), for I know this to be true, you reap what you sow...and I try my best to sow seeds of love, righteousness, and forgiveness....but sometimes people just want to take you to that ugly place. Good for them, I try to walk in the light..

Hold the bull...please...Give it to me straight

As I am approaching my two year celibacy mark, I am pretty much disgusted by men in general. I am not a homosexual, more like an asexual...lol. I am not interest at ALL. Maybe one day I will be again, but there is always the consequences of my actions that turn me completely off. If I even fantasize, the reality of being a single mom of two, or worse getting a deadly STD, brings me right back to the real world. Sure both can be prevented by using a condom, but I am not going to share myself with anyone that's not willing to stick around. I am just tired of the bullshit, and lies. All for a quick thrill, well with me , as B. B. King put it, the thrill is gone. This cooch is as dry as Sahara Desert.

Forward

I thought I had an idea, what I wanted to write about, but there are no concrete thoughts coming to mind. I am grateful, for everything, finally moving out on our own. It has been a lot of work, but I do it all gratefully. I wake up, thankful, and go to sleep  giving thanks to God for answering my prayers with a yes. My baby (little ol' lady) keeps me smiling, I am happy that I had the one and a half year to spend with her without having to work. She is so smart, she learns really fast, so I am aware of my actions, and words. She loves music any type, she dances to it all, but I can tell she is going to be two handfuls because she is stubborn, and spankings don't seem to effect her at all, but time out works.  We have fun, just the two of us. Since we moved out, I worry about her not having a father  ( or an earthly father figure in her life), and honestly I have no desire to be in a relationship with anyone, and there are so many sick people out there, I would not want to have to go to jail for murdering anyone that would cause her harm. So, I pray about that a lot. It would be nice if her biological father would get involved, but I am not going to hold my breathe waiting for him to do anything. It is quiet here and the people are nice. I enjoy looking at the mountains, farms, and animals. The little ol' lady is adjusting well at daycare, the job is good, and I can save some money and live peacefully and take a yearly vacation with my child to some place nice. Finally, moving forward. Thank God.