Thinking

Lately, even with all of the male attention I have been getting, my daughter's sperm donor has been heavy on my mind. I was thinking maybe it is because I see so much of him in my daughter. My baby will be three soon, and he has not made one effort to do anything. That breaks my heart, I thank God that right now, she has no idea.  She ask and I tell her that he is not here, and that is the truth. I took her to the doctor for her check up, and when they asked for family medical history on her father's side, I told them that they are healthy on that side of the family, because I am too embarrassed to admit that I have no idea. I pray that I am right. It is like I had a very long one night stand, and honestly because the pregnancy was not planned I never bothered to really get to know him. If he were truly a sperm donor from a clinic, I would have more information. This a sad situation, a situation that I must tolerate. It was either this or have an abortion. And I love my daughter with all of my heart, but sometimes I think my life would have been easier if I would have gone through with it. So, it was either be a single mother without all of the answers, and all of the responsibility or be a murderer of a child I prayed so much for. I knew this was not the easy route, but this is the path I chose. At times I envy even divorced parents in which the child at least gets to see the other parent from time to time....but these are all my thoughts. She is happy and we have a good time together. I probably over compensate in terms of material things I give her out of guilt. But what else can I do? I think that I am not hiding my emotions well, because she ask me "Mommy are you happy?" at least three times a day. Some days I am just tired, but for the most part. I am. I just hope and pray that she is, and that even though her childhood may not be ideal to some, that it is one filled with love and laughter more than anything else. Even if I don't have all of the answers...

Friend

Okay so for the past couple of weeks, after consistently getting tuned-up, life got in the way. Our timing was off, and with the holiday, my monthly, and travel, we kept missing each other for our weekly session. And of course, me being me, I threw a mobile temper tantrum. Then after that, and no response I decided to try to contact Mr. Always Busy. Honestly, I liked everything about Busy, I am sure I could easily fall for him, because he is my type all the way. And because he is my type, I know that it is best that he is busy, even if he isn't busy. But, I contacted him, just to see if he wanted to get together. Now, I have not seen B in a couple of months, and honestly I talked so much garbage that I did not remember any of the text I sent him. So, of course we made plans and right on queue, he cancelled something about being called in for a mandatory meeting at the last minute, but being the gentleman he is, he apologized. And this time, I did something totally out of character, responded with just one word : Okay. Because in my mind, this happened before, and I didn't get my hopes up too much, plus I knew that Mr. Clean would be back in town soon, so even if it didn't work out with Busy, Mr. Clean would laid it down. I just had to be patient which I am not At All. Needless to say Busy surprised me and showed up the next day. Busy is a LOVER. Very Passionate, he puts his whole being into it. He is concerned about pleasing me first. I know he has to have other women somewhere. He talks during, but honestly it is not that I didn't want to respond, it was just so good to me that I was speechless. I crave him when we are done, and I would get emotionally attached if we were to spend a large amount of time together, but he is really working hard, and I am very single. I was thinking of stopping it with Clean, because he has a busy life too, but in a different way. But, Clean is more available and a freak....and he has a way of making me feel comfortable that Busy doesn't. Clean is very confident (cocky...no pun intended)....and he should be, after all of the shit I talked, I will not do that again. As expected, he put it all the way down, I will "behave". Mr. Clean is a MotherFucker. I have had a couple of "first" with him, and he pleases me too, but with him I can be myself without any judgment.  I like both of them, but honestly, I need some stability. I need a real friend.  Someone I can built a future with. I am thinking about stopping it with Busy and Clean...and just going back to being alone. With Busy, it will be easy because he doesn't really contact me, I have to call him first, plus he is always busy, so if I decide not to call him, then that's it.   But, with Clean its not so easy. I have tried to cut it off at least a couple of  times, and then we are "friends" again. Even when he said that he wanted to stop, I answered with a calm...okay, I  understand, but then he contacted me again. I am not going to lie I like the attention, we have fun together, and I only want one consistent sexual partner. But, the more time I spend with him, the more time I want to spend with him, and that's not going to work. So, of course as a woman you have your ideal man list, and Clean is that for me (of course I can't tell him that), and Busy is my type, and because he is, he doing what my type does, other things. Yep, I need to focus on getting me and my baby a house. I do want a new car, and a new sofa, loveseat, bookshelves, tv stand, and tv. So maybe if  I get a part time job in addition to my full time job, I will not have time to notice the lack, of male companionship in my life, not to mention my daughter's life. I have to do something soon, she is getting older, and I want her to have an example of a good man in her life, so she isn't left searching....like me.