Daddy's Girl

When I was a little girl, and my brothers and I would be mischievous, or if he was fed up with our noise, my father would raise his voice and out of fear, his tone would stop us in our tracks. Over time, my brothers would be afraid to ask him simple questions, for fear that he would say no, raise his voice, or both so of course they would send me. But, as I became an adult, he still raises his voice about little things, but it has no effect on me, and it is out of respect for who his is, that I obey. I know that no man is perfect, but this is my father, he is the only earthly one I have, and for me he has been there since I entered the world. Taken me to day care, dance classes, piano lesson, to the train station when my car was broken down and I had to get to work, taught me how to change a tire and check my oil levels...lol, endured my attitudes through my teenage, college, and adult years, and has been there for me with open arms since I came home knocked up, and is the only father my daughter has ever known, and is proud to be (I think he spoils her too much, but that's what grandparents do). Honestly, my father is a tell it like he feels kind of person, no filter at all, and at times I wish that he would have one, but I have learned to ignore what I don't want to hear, but for the most part when he is not telling stories to get laughs, he tells the truth. When I was growing up, I used to wish that he was more open with his feelings, and cut it out with this macho crap, but I have come to realize that he is not going to change, and that he is fine with who he is, and I am too.

Safe

When I was five years old, I remember going to school early. My sister walked me to my classroom and left me there, but when I opened the door, no one was there. I felt this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I felt it in the pit of my stomach, and I begin to just cry. It was so strong that over twenty years later, and I can still clearly recall how I felt as I stood there in the center of my kindergarten classroom. Sometimes I feel that feeling creep up as I think about moving out on my own again, this time with my daughter. Here with my parents I feel protected, and when I do sleep, the sleep is sound. I feel safe here, but it is time to be moving on. To be honest, when I lived alone before, other than the obvious physical reasons, that safe protected feeling was a huge factor in having my sperm donor over. Once we finally did get to sleep it was a sound sleep. For the night, I didn't have to listen out for my alarm to go off, or sleep lightly being disturbed by every little sound, or even take a drink to calm my nerves enough to fall asleep. Now, I am a Christian, and I would say a prayer, but it was nice to have someone there, even if they weren't in the same room. And when things didn't work out,  and I couldn't take a drink or a Benadryl, I would spend the night at a friends house, pregnant and uncomfortable on a cheap futon. I'm not sure what I am going to do when I move out of here. I know that no place is safe, but I have to choose a place with a low crime rate. If I could I would move into a retirement community. People there are living out their golden years, and don't have time for petty mess, and if they do they are too old to act on it.....lol. Plus it's quiet, and generally people are happy to be alive. I was thinking about this also, as I continue my dating efforts. I can't be out there too tough, people are crazy, and I don't need some crazy man stalking me or putting my daughter's life in danger, all because I wanted a cheap thrill. Everything I do directly effects her; she depends on me for everything, so I can't be out there, and not be extremely careful. I don't like dogs, so that is out, I am not sure if I should get a firearm, I might actually use it, which is why I didn't have one before I moved, I was licensed and had the money, but I didn't purchase one, which turned out to be a good idea especially during my pregnant moments of rage...lol.  But, for safety reasons, when I get out of here, I may go ahead and purchase one. Then I have to think about my busy body baby. She is trying to walk, and so soon, she is only 8 months, and crawling, and is a menace in that walker, it is only matter of a couple of weeks before she is walking without assistance. (I don't know why she is moving so fast, my parents and sis in law joke, that she is getting out of the way for a sibling, Well not on mom's end. One is all I can do as a single parent, and I don't see myself getting married anytime soon, and I am taking the necessary pre-cautions, as I know I can't get pregnant alone....lol). Anyway she is moving about, and you hear all too much about children having accidents, or taking the firearm to school. I don't know, once I move out I will see. Who knows, maybe my "Boaz" will show up, and this whole entry is a moot point? But, at least I think about it. It's nice to feel safe, if only for a brief moment you can let your guards down, and just rest.

Online dating...oh boy

So, as another summer begins, I was thinking it's about time for me to get out of my rut, and get back into the dating scene. I'm not looking for anything serious as I have too much on my plate already, so I decided to join a causal dating site, and even though, I was suppose to be searching for Mr. Right Now, most of the time I ended up laughing at the pictures. On my profile, I listed exactly what I was looking for, but from the responses I received I could see that the men did not read it. I am not going to delete my profile yet, but I am not going to spend too much time searching. Usually, I just go with the flow and let whoever come to me, and that has worked out great....lol. In my heart I believe that whoever will cross my path when they are meant to.  But, some of the pictures, wooo honey, taco meat, wholly under ware,  men taking pictures without shirts with soft bellies....lol. Anyways, I'm looking for a personal trainer type, someone athletic, clean and polite, that I can see 3 times a week, an hour per session. I can go to his place, escape for a bit, get the fantasy, get my workout, learn a couple of new things, stretch, take a shower, go home, hug my baby, and go to sleep. No drama, no complications, just two adults that agree, no games, no rudeness. No miscommunication, no confusion. If it is meant to be, then it will be. If not I will continue on the celibacy road.....only time will tell....

Hurt

I'm sad...I am not sure how long it will take to get over this pain. Most days I am fine, but every couple of months I feel down. No one knows how long it takes to heal a broken heart.

Same soup, different bowl

After 18 months of silence, I finally had a chance to communicate with my child's sperm donor. In the future I am going through the court system. It seems he still wants to believe that he did not father my child, I guess that's what he has to tell himself . And honestly, I wish to God it was someone else too, but unfortunately it is not. I was hoping that we could come to some sort of mutual agreement, but this guy is just difficult for no reason. After all this time, I am tired of trying to be nice to someone that can rationalize using females as if they are disposable dishware. I thought I wanted my daughter to get to know his side of the family, but forget it. My child is an African American female, and every African (male and female) I have met thinks that we are beneath them. My mother told me so, but I didn't want to believe her. I thought she was being bias.  With my experiences I have to believe she is right, the way my sperm donor dismissed me like I was nothing, and wanted me to kill my child for his sake,  hurt worst than having a racist spit in my face.  At least with the racist I knew where he was coming from, so that sort of behavior is expected. After a couple of messages, I had to put an end to it, I believe he has gotten worse in terms of attitude. You would think that him, going home, and doing what he said he WANTED to do, marrying a girl from his past, would mellow him out a bit. He has a hard heart, and there's nothing I can say nice or nasty that is going to change that. Only God will be able to do that, but I'm done with hoping anything nice for him. In a way, I am grateful, because now I can truly focus on getting myself back together without wondering, if he is doing okay. I know it is strange, he abandon me and denied his child, and I am wondering if he is okay. Well once upon a time, in my heart of hearts I believed that for someone to do that, there had to be something within them so disturbed on an emotional and spiritual level that there is no way that they could be okay. I treated him well enough, that at the very least that we should be able to come to an agreement without the courts being involved, or so I thought.  But, after chatting with him, I know not. He is not okay, we can not come to a mutual agreement. I do not want to be bothered by him ,or anyone associated with him, or anyone like him (well except for my daughter).  After chatting with him today, I realized that man I knew died in Afghanistan, I don't know who that was that returned and that's exactly what I am going to tell my daughter, spare her feelings, mine have been hurt enough for the both of us.

My daughter likes to hit people in the face. She knows how to clap her little hands together, and she likes to clap her hands while my head or anyone's head is between them. So I have been telling her "No, no." With a stern look directly into her eyes, and since she is quick learner, she seems to understand. Now, I don't have to be so stern, I can just say "no, no", and she will stop. So, if she gets it, I am not sure why adults can't get it. My old assistant, texted me, looking for some validation, that he still has it. I don't have time or care to stroke his ego, it will not benefit me in anyway. He has a wife for that. I am not going to allow him or anyone to use me for things that your wife should be doing. If she is not, then you two need to work on that, don't contact me under the pretense that you are checking on me and my daughter. Same thing with my sister, we are family, however she has been rude, one too many times. I have nothing for her. Nothing is going on, so there's no need to call me everyday to waste my time, and if it was, there's nothing she can say to make it better. I am done with people thinking they can treat me any kind of way, and I am suppose to be okay with it. I can forgive, and forget. I forgive you, and forget you at the same time.  No, no. I'm not going to allow it.

Decisions

As I am preparing to finally begin to get back into the work force, I have some heavy decisions to make. First, where I want to live. I took my licensing exam, and I am awaiting the final results which are due to post this Thursday or Friday, I passed the other four parts, and I feel confident that I did well on the fifth part, but as I am awaiting the results, I have been thinking about moving again. I was thinking Central Florida or Hawaii. I would much rather deal with the heat than the cold.  And I like the sunshine, that gives me motivation to get and stay in shape. Plus when my parents retire I know they are going to want to move down south any way. I liked Florida when I was there, but I fell in love with Orlando.  I have been to Miami countless times, so that's no big deal, but Orlando was cool. Not too country, not too urban. Plus I can take my baby to Disney or Sea world or the Holy Land Experience or Universal Studios as much as she likes while she is still young, not to mention no state income tax. I love my family, but I love my freedom more, I was thinking maybe I should work a year here save up and go on back down south. Sale my current house, find me a  quiet suburb of Orlando to settle down in plant some roots, finally start a garden,work, raise my baby, and relax. No drama, just a boring yet peaceful happy life. I have to pray about it.

Let God

Sometimes is it hard to let go. I have spent this whole year trying to let go of my anger, and trying to let God heal my heart, and despite the smiles, and all of the wonderful times and blessings, I realized that I am still not completely over it. The other day after many, months of trying to ignore the past. I let my curiosity get the best of me, and I finally looked my sperm donor up on social media. I had an idea that he had gotten married, as my sister told me, but to see the pictures, that angered me. The first thought that came to mind was "This is your wife? I wasn't sure, but I thought she was your sister from her physical features." And you are posting the pictures, and I look at her page, and nothing has changed. If I ever get married, I say if because at this point it is HIGHLY unlikely, I am going to tell the world. Shout it from the roof tops, and both of our pages will reflect that we are ONE.  Then something came to me  that said this modest "innocent" one is the one that is going to break him down.  Then I thought, how it wasn't fair that I face the consequences of my actions head on, and how not just him, but some males in general can just move on to the next without seemingly missing a beat, no remorse. Like oh well, that's her problem not mines. Then I got angry that I would even get involved with someone who is spiritually dead. Then I thought about getting him later, but then a small voice said...."Don't let him have that control over you. He has moved on and doesn't care. Plus people only post the nice pictures, and weddings are nice, but after all of that is over, the marriage begins, and how you start off is how you end up...Look you noticed she didn't change her pictures, after posting his pictures he changed his back only after two months, and she looks drunk, and his eyes look older...everything is not what it seems. God knows and sees all, lean not on your own understanding. You have a beautiful daughter, instead of holding on to the memory of how things happened after she was conceived, hold on to the memory of how you felt about him up until that point, for you there was nothing artificial about that, your feelings for him were genuine . Let God have your troubles, relax and enjoy your family, and thank God that (If) when you begin again, there will be no baggage. He blessed you with a clean slate, He has given you the opportunity to have someone in you and your daughter's lives who is worthy both of you. Forget about him, and don't go back on his page again, he's part of the unchangeable past.....let it go, and let God take care of your present and future." I am happy that God knows me, and speaks to me, and I listen.

Revenge

Earlier this week, my mother told me a story of a co-worker (Jane) who introduced another co-worker (Sally)to her husband (Rick), and to make a long story short, as Rick and Jane were going through relationship problems that would lead to a divorce, Sally and Rick would later have a fling soon after the divorce. Jane and Sally would have to see each other everyday at work, no longer friends. Jane is deeply hurt, and I told my mother to tell Sally that the best revenge is moving forward, doing better and  forgiving and then forgetting about those that hurt you. It takes time, but I know from experience that when people hurt you they are not thinking about you, they are thinking about themselves, so sometimes they don't even know or care about your pain. It is not until someone hurts them the same way, that they even realize what they did, if they realize it at all. But, you can't dwell in it, that experience is just part of your story and everyone has a story. But whether you choose to make it a story that focuses on the tragedies or triumphs that's a matter totally up to each person living through the experience.

Thinking

So next week, I will have been home exactly one year, as I am I preparing to return back into the work force, and into a place I can call home (with just me and the baby), I am looking forward to a buddy. Ideally I would like a husband, but I don't feel like living with anyone or being in someone's face or them being in my face 24/7, or just putting up with their mess, or even getting to know someone on that personable level. I just want a buddy. I don't have to cook for him or entertain him, wash his clothes, listen to his repressed child hood memories. I don't care about his mental, or emotional issues, I am not trying to be anyone's friend or have anyone new in my life (or my daughter's life), just a really good physical release, then I go home, he goes where ever, and we only call when we are ready for a release again. I am thinking maybe two or three, I have learned to never put all my eggs in one basket, we all go down to the clinic, get that blood work prior too, wrap that thing up, and be adult about this. I don't have time for a relationship with anyone new. I was thinking that my daughter needed a father figure, but I really can't trust anyone with her other than people I already know. She knows and trust my father (her grandfather), so he is doing a fine job. No need to rock that boat.

It's been over a year, and frankly I stopped counting. I was thinking about getting an escort, I know a place where that is legal, but is it worth it to spend the money for the lack of drama? Plus most men my age have been with countless women anyways, so I am not worried about that, but men's egos sometimes get in the way. They like to think that all women want to tie them down, and want a relationship with them. When some times that's not the case at the moment. Right now, I don't have time to devote to building a relationship with a needy man. After I start working and get my child in daycare, I can devote 15- 90 min max, 2 to 3 times a week for sex only the rest of my time is taken. I don't want to know any personal information, other than he is HIV negative, heterosexual, single (not legally married to anyone), has great stamina, impeccable hygiene (oral and all), at least seven inches. (6.5 if its curved), is not a drug addict, not chain smoker , not an alcoholic. Someone to lay pipe and leave once I am done. Oh well, we will see what the future holds, or if I change my mind, and continue on this celibacy road, because there's no drama on this path . It was just a thought.