Safe

When I was five years old, I remember going to school early. My sister walked me to my classroom and left me there, but when I opened the door, no one was there. I felt this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I felt it in the pit of my stomach, and I begin to just cry. It was so strong that over twenty years later, and I can still clearly recall how I felt as I stood there in the center of my kindergarten classroom. Sometimes I feel that feeling creep up as I think about moving out on my own again, this time with my daughter. Here with my parents I feel protected, and when I do sleep, the sleep is sound. I feel safe here, but it is time to be moving on. To be honest, when I lived alone before, other than the obvious physical reasons, that safe protected feeling was a huge factor in having my sperm donor over. Once we finally did get to sleep it was a sound sleep. For the night, I didn't have to listen out for my alarm to go off, or sleep lightly being disturbed by every little sound, or even take a drink to calm my nerves enough to fall asleep. Now, I am a Christian, and I would say a prayer, but it was nice to have someone there, even if they weren't in the same room. And when things didn't work out,  and I couldn't take a drink or a Benadryl, I would spend the night at a friends house, pregnant and uncomfortable on a cheap futon. I'm not sure what I am going to do when I move out of here. I know that no place is safe, but I have to choose a place with a low crime rate. If I could I would move into a retirement community. People there are living out their golden years, and don't have time for petty mess, and if they do they are too old to act on it.....lol. Plus it's quiet, and generally people are happy to be alive. I was thinking about this also, as I continue my dating efforts. I can't be out there too tough, people are crazy, and I don't need some crazy man stalking me or putting my daughter's life in danger, all because I wanted a cheap thrill. Everything I do directly effects her; she depends on me for everything, so I can't be out there, and not be extremely careful. I don't like dogs, so that is out, I am not sure if I should get a firearm, I might actually use it, which is why I didn't have one before I moved, I was licensed and had the money, but I didn't purchase one, which turned out to be a good idea especially during my pregnant moments of rage...lol.  But, for safety reasons, when I get out of here, I may go ahead and purchase one. Then I have to think about my busy body baby. She is trying to walk, and so soon, she is only 8 months, and crawling, and is a menace in that walker, it is only matter of a couple of weeks before she is walking without assistance. (I don't know why she is moving so fast, my parents and sis in law joke, that she is getting out of the way for a sibling, Well not on mom's end. One is all I can do as a single parent, and I don't see myself getting married anytime soon, and I am taking the necessary pre-cautions, as I know I can't get pregnant alone....lol). Anyway she is moving about, and you hear all too much about children having accidents, or taking the firearm to school. I don't know, once I move out I will see. Who knows, maybe my "Boaz" will show up, and this whole entry is a moot point? But, at least I think about it. It's nice to feel safe, if only for a brief moment you can let your guards down, and just rest.