Proud Mama

Tomorrow is Father's Day, and I have decided that instead of being bitter about my situation, I am going to appreciate my father, and all that he does for the both of us (me and my daughter).  This time last year I was very pregnant and preparing to have a baby shower, now my little girl is trying to walk, she is finally saying "ma ma" daily (and I try to answer her so she understands that's who I am), and she is just growing so fast, I am so happy that I have been given this time by God to spend with her ( I did complain some of the time), it is difficult to explain how much I love her, all of her. She looks so much like her father it is ridiculous, especially when she smiles, and she smiles a lot, and even though some people can, I can't hate him and love all of  her, because he is a part of her  no matter how much he denies it.  It is difficult at times, but I remind myself that she is a product of both of us, she has my big head shape, and attitude, so I am sure we will bump heads in the future (no pun intended), but hopefully by then she will forgive as quickly as I am learning to. I look her every day and I am amazed that she is growing and learning so quickly, on Thursday she was hitting my arm with her little hand, and I told her to stop, and she mimicked me saying stop the best way she could, so I repeated myself for about five times, and she repeated me every time. She loves the ABC song, and the itsy bitsy spider song, and she dances anytime she hears any music. It is all so amazing and cute to me. The other day we were in the car, and she was crying I turned on Bobby Brown, and I am a fan of Bobby Brown's music from the early 90's so of course I was singing along, and she did her little dance, and the tears stopped, all I could do was smile.

Disconnected

Some days I feel so disconnected from the rest of  the world, and even God. I feel guilty for being who I am, if that makes sense. I enjoy when my child is asleep, so I can have some me time. I love her, but some times I need a break. My hormones seem to have kicked into over drive, and I have no outlet, because I am afraid to connect with anyone in this area, there are so many jerks, closet homos, and just weird men out there. I wish prostitution was legal, to be rid of the headache and the drama and the bull that come with men, I would pay for the fantasy, get my release, and continue on with my life. Then there is the guilt that comes along with my religion for joining myself with a prostitute, and how can I ask for forgiveness if I am not remorseful?  I don't think I would even have time to think about this, if I was working. I feel like I am stuck in limbo, waiting for the next big thing......the turning point....maybe I am thinking too much. Maybe I should just surrender my mind and watch some mind numbing television until, I am brainwashed to believe what I see, and I can think about trivia items that will not change the world, but keep me entertained until, I choose to use my mind, if I choose to use my mind again....lol. I don't know, let me go to sleep..

Night Thoughts...

After awhile people fall away, if they can't use you, or have your life to chat about instead of theirs, given time they just fade away, even in the age of social media, if you have a true friend then occasionally they may call or visit with nothing on but a kind word, and maybe a joke or two then back to their lives. The older I get, the more I don't mind being with myself  (and Holy Spirit). My daughter makes me laugh a lot. I am sure she doesn't understand what she is doing, but she laughs because I laugh, and I spend a majority of time with her, so to me its important that she laughs as much as possible, life has enough sorrows ahead. She is my number one fan. I was thinking that I wanted another child, but I am fine with just her. I am blessed to have her, I wasn't sure if I could have any children at all. After looking at daycare cost, and all that is to come, and I really can't truly depend on people, my parents are older, and they will baby sit, but they get tired too, one is enough for me. I realize that she may be spoiled ,but I don't need to have another child to assure that she will not be selfish, I just have to teach her by example which will be difficult as I like things my way myself, but I will try my best.

Valley

There have been times when explaining my situation to people, I refer to this period of my life as a valley. And in terms of moving home, having a child, not working, to some it would seem as if it is a low point, at times to me it seems like I am doing nothing (which couldn't be further from the truth), but this world would have you believe that if you are not earning money, or becoming "something" then you are wasting your time. Then something clicked, the valley is where there is nourishment. I looked at pictures, and there is usually a river, so there is a source of life, replenishing, renewing. The valley is a place of protection from the harsh elements, the top of the mountain is a rough journey, the air is then, the journey to get to the top is a difficult one, and at times a lonely one, and it's cold. The view is nice, but what else is there, but a view.

Priorities

When I lived in my old house, I had this goal board in my room. It had pictures of goals which I hoped to accomplish without a specific timeline. I cut out pictures of houses, wrote on a bill of money the amount of money I hoped to obtain, I drew a stick figures of my husband and child with a suitcase, symbolizing a man without baggage, and I drew an airplane symbolizing my desire to travel. In the corner I had three top properties, the first was and still is spiritual growth, the second, I believe was educational, and the third I can not remember, lol.  Still working on the house, the money, the travel, I should have drawn an x thru the suitcase, because I attract men with full luggage sets of baggage ....lol. I do have my beautiful baby girl, who no matter how I feel makes me smile every day, and I have discovered I have so much patience now, and I understand so much more than I did before.  If it is God's will, I will have a husband, but at the moment my heart is hardened towards men. I attempted the on line dating, but it's not what I want to devote any of my time to right  now, I'm still angry, I'm disguised with people in general. That doesn't mean I have a bad attitude. I just have no faith or trust in them at all. I pray about that all of the time, in time I will again. I prayed that God help me to grow spiritually, and in order to grow sometimes things and people have to be taken away. It's difficult, but not impossible, I used to read my bible all of the time, and should read it more, but I discovered that it stuck. I know it, I understand it more. Now, if I could just learn to forgive, but I figure as long as I don't stop trying one day I will learn how to forgive people quickly.

Country girl at heart

So today I went to my dear friend's baby shower. I didn't stay long because some genius thought it would be a great idea to have it outside in 90 degree weather. My friend and her fiancée are West Indian, and the food was good, but somebody burnt the "peas" in the rice and peas, but it has been a while since I had some roti, oh it was so good. I didn't eat much because the food sits in your stomach like a bowling ball, so you don't have to eat much, anyways I love her grandparents they are so nice, and this time they were really talkative, the last time they were really quiet. But, there's something about a man with a white beard and a smile that demands respect. I just like groomed facial hair in general, it looks good to me, so I tell my daddy not to cut his goatee off. It seems my daughter likes it too, when he holds her that is the first thing she touches, (my poor baby has a fine mustache of her own and she hasn't even hit puberty yet, lol, she is going to be so hairy okay for a guy not so for a girl ). Anyway the party was okay, but I have been so isolated that it was too much for me. I am not a social butterfly, I pleaded with my mother not give me a baby shower, because while I was grateful to be pregnant, I wasn't happy and I didn't want to answer any questions, I didn't want the attention. I just wanted to go the store pick out the stuff and come home and prepare. However, my mother wanted it, so that's what she did, and it was really nice, I smiled for the camera, there were some haters there to eat, but that was my last appearance there, in that town so, I don't feel so bad about it. As I grow older I don't want to be bothered with a lot of people.  I know that I don't want to live in a planned community, with cookie cutter houses and home owner association fees, I would rather like to live in a place where my neighbors are at least one half mile away on all sides. I like my peace and quiet. I don't want to be awaken by dogs, or loud ass cars, or loud music. I want space to plant a garden, and shade from trees. I am a country girl at heart, I am not into cows and horses, but I do like to sweep my front porch in the morning as the sun rises, and sip on iced tea as I watch it set. I really enjoy cooking my family meals especially when they appreciate it, I like the smell of clothes dried on the line in the sun and I like watermelon and fried chicken (I don't care about stereotypes). I am not old, but I know that cities have nothing to offer me, but hustle, bustle, and filth. If ( and that is a huge if), I ever get married, then it's going to be a small intimate affair, only immediate family, a meaningful ceremony with dinner to follow, then off to the honeymoon. Probably in the middle of the week, a Wednesday. No big party...with a dj and open bar, no drinking all night the night before, none of that, just a quick wedding, and hopefully a happy long marriage....with (our) house in the country.