So, for the past couple of days I have wanted to sit down and write, but I have been extremely tired, and sick. But I feel physically better now. So today I turned down a job, because it was three hours away, and honestly I just don't have it in me to move yet again, especially for a contract job. It's not just me anymore, so I (we) need some security. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I just would have stuck to my guns, June 18, 2010,and not invited my daughter's sperm donor to my house (I think regret is the emotion that I'm feeling), but I wanted the company, and I was bored, plus my intentions were pure, but it had been awhile since I had sex, and things were on the rocks with me and my fiance, and I should have listened and heeded when he told me his intentions. Even though I love my daughter dearly, sometimes I feel as if God played a joke on me, by making her look like him, that forces me to deal with whatever ill emotions that I have towards him and to get over it. Because the last thing I want to do is punish her just because she looks like him. And I really think that it is unfair, because all he has to do is walk away, and pretend as if none of this ever happened. He doesn't have to see her, or answer questions, or anything, just deny, but then again he doesn't get to experience any of the good stuff either. I thought that I would do the whole child support thing, but forget it. I can't force someone to be a responsible adult, especially someone who feels that human life is worth so little, plus I would probably loose my cool if this fool says something like " I didn't even want the child, so why should I have to pay anything?" plus even though it is getting better with time, I still have this deep seated anger within me towards him, and I really don't want to see his face (after all I see him in her everyday). I can't understand it, I have never in my life been so angry with a person, usually I am able to forgive, (snap my finger) just like that. This is going to take time, plus I am sure I will forget all about him, once I start working, get out of this place, and get someone else.
Speaking of the latter, I just realized that I may go the whole year without having sex. The last time I had sex I just felt so unclean, and used. My sperm donor was trying to convince me to get an abortion, and I knew in my heart that if I got, an abortion, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself, and that I would never want to see him again, and I knew if I kept her (which I did), that he wasn't going to be around, so I cried, because either way it was difficult messy end. And I was angry with myself for crying in front of him, because he didn't deserve to see me like that. At least I don't have to worry about seeing him ever again, and I am still trying to decide what I am going to tell my daughter when she ask about him. I thought about telling her the truth, even though it is harsh I think that is the best. Hopefully, by then I will be married to a good man, so that she will have some father figure to buffer the hurt, just in case she ever wants to meet this guy, and he is rude to her or denies her to her face.
Only time will tell, but even with all of these emotions, I still think that she is the cutest little thing. I am amazed that she came out of me, of course she is mean ( I was mad, the entire pregnancy). But every now and then she will smile for a split second, and then back to the serious face. I think that is so funny. I hold her in my arms for hours at a time, and of course my parents adore her, not to mention her uncles, and aunts, her little cousins. Everwhere we go she get compliments on how cute she is, I told her today that she was a superstar...lol. My little hairy turtle..(because she has a head full of hair, and she likes to sleep with her butt in the air and her little feet tucked under.) If she wasn't here, I would have gone off the deep end for sure, but since I know that she depends on me for everything I try my best to keep it together. I will be returning to work soon, and that way I can stop snacking, and get myself together...lol. I went to the Ob Doctor last week and got my non horomonal reversible long term birth control (2 to 10 years). I was excited about that, even though I am not having sex and not planning on it, it's nice to know that there will be no slip ups, just in case I have a weak moment, one baby is enough, I wish I would have know about this before, then again I wasn't sure that I could even have a child before. Anyway, this pregnancy was difficult, especially the labor, I was scared there for a minute, my mother told me that I lost a lot of blood, and I tore pretty bad, hell, it's eight weeks after and I am still bleeding (so if I was with someone that actually wanted to stick around, he would be upset). But I think I tore badly because I didnt have sex at all during the pregnancy, so my hole was actually tightened up, and then to have this big headed child come as fast as she did. But, the good thing is that I can heal properly without anyone pressuring me to have sex. Plus, I don't feel like it, and my stomach, although it is extra soft looks a hot mess. Maybe that's too much information, but I felt like sharing.
Well I got what I wanted off of my chest, have a good night.....
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