Never in a million years......

14 months has past since I last posted a blog. To say that my life has changed since then would be an understatement. I have gone from having being a successful single career woman, to being a stereotypical single mother on public assistance, staying at home with my parents. I am not sure if this a test of my faith, a result of really bad decision, a blessing in disguise or all three, but I didn't see this coming, and now as my financial situation is looking dim, I am on the verge of desperation, not to mention frustration. How did this happen? Well, I got pregnant, and made the decision to have my daughter, which was a no brainer for me, however her father wanted me to get an abortion, and I learned at that very moment, that for 18 months I was nothing more than a piece of ass, to be used and tossed aside at his discretion. I'm still not over that, and I'm not sure when I will be, especially considering the fact that my daughter looks like a cuter, way more adorable version of him. Anyways, since he made it clear that he wasn't going to help, I had to quit my job, and move in with my parents, that treat me like a child, since apparently, I don't make good decisions. I am beyond frustrated, I look for a job everyday, and I'm constantly criticized about my lack of parenting skills, or my weight, or the fact that I don't feel like talking about my daughter's father which is understandable to me. If I do show any emotion, I am told that I should cut it out, because "crying over a situation will not make it better." I sometimes wonder if there's a difference between being humbled and being defeated. Usually I am the one encouraging and uplifting friends during hard times, and when I feel the worst my mind remembers the story of Job, I try to remind myself that this situation is only temporary, and that soon everything will be better than normal. But to be honest, I feel trapped, and I'm still dealing with feelings of rejection, abandonment, anger, and disappointment, my self esteem (much like mortgage rates...lol) is at an all time low, but I can't say anything about it to anyone. I imagine myself many times over, just kicking my daughter's father ass, but the fact is that he is gone (left the country) and will never acknowledge the fact that he was ever involved with me or claim my daughter as his child, too. My daughter's cute self is the reason for me to remain on the bright side of sanity. I have dark moments, but I don't stay there for long plus I figure once I find a job with great benefits, that will be the beginning of  our (my daughter and I) "fresh start " and I will not have time to think about the "what ifs" only the "what is" but until then I will vent here.....