Thoughts.....

So today for the first time in awhile, I felt like myself, I dropped my child off at my brother's house while I went to get my hair worked on. It was nice to get out of the house, alone. I'm ready to go back to work. My child is 5 months old, and I have been here for 8 months (moping around) as my mother put it.  I didn't realize that I was moping, but I overheard my mother tell someone she on the phone with that I was just moping around, the way she said it was like I was a sad pitiful mess.  I have my moments but I usually try to reserve those for when the baby's asleep, and noone is home. I am just tired of this whole scene. I was trying to avoid NYC, but for a peace of mine, we just may have to go. I need to work for my sanity, not only that, I need to start saving for this child's future, and although staying at home is nice, we need more income, and I am all she has to depend on. I have to just move on with my life, sitting here being angry is not helping anyone.

Morning thoughts....

It's 0645 on a weekday morning and there are so many things going though my mind. The first question is how did I get here? My daughter is 5 months old, and she is growing everyday right before my eyes, I know that by her 7th month I will be working somewhere. I was thinking that maybe I should watch Joyce Meyers or read my devotional (I did read it), for inspiration, and this is my way of talking to God, sort of...I am so horny, it seems that after many months of being so angry that sex didn't cross my mind, having a baby, and the insertion and removal of a birth control device (due to painful side effects), my hormones are in balance, and everything in that area is back to where it should be, except my flabby stomach...lol. I thought about it, and then I look at my situation, and I think the best thing to do is just wait some more, sex will only complicate things. Plus even though I am an adult, I still can't do it my parents house. And with whom it has been awhile so I would like for it be good, sometimes I think I should have just married my ex, after I confessed to being unfaithful, he wanted to work it out, but I felt that if I was being unfaithful already there was no need to commit, I wasn't ready. I am not sure I will ever be ready. , but I am ready to get out of here, I was trying to avoid going to New York City, because that is no place to raise a child, they tend to turn out rude and fast, and materialistic no matter how much time you spend with them, and since I will be working and my family is here that leaves the door open for too much. Upstate is too damn cold, in a couple of moments of desperation I applied to some jobs there, and got them too, but my parents had a hissy fit. So I turned those down. I have been looking for government jobs due the steady schedule and benefits, but I have not been successful yet, but I will try again soon. I didn't want to move again, but honestly, I can't stand this cold weather, so if something comes up further south, I am going.  My poor little baby is going to sweat her butt off, but the way I have her bundled up here she sweats anyway. But, I have been here for 8 months, and although I know that not many people can take that much time off from work, and I know that is a blessing that I'm able to spend that time with my child, it is time for her to get socialized. She has only had one cold, and I am happy about that. And next week I am going to take her to get her ears pierced, which is perfect timing because my parents will be gone to Vegas, so they will not be here when she is crying ( they don't have as much patience as I do. ) Well, let me go enjoy what little quiet time I have before my little pee pee pot wakes up....she's so cute :)

Deshawn....

There was a time when I was in an unhappy relationship, I was being a faithful girlfriend, but I was frustrated because my boyfriend was not being faithful to me. I knew it but since we were a perfect sexual match, I tolerated it. We would have heated arguments, I would take his car and leave him stranded, I would break his cell phone, call his other women, and then we would have these heated make-up sessions, and afterwards we would rest from exhaustion, have a good week and do it all over again the next week. For awhile it was a break from the normal, but after awhile it got old, so one night while I was waiting for my boyfriend to show up (which he never did) I was chatting on-line with a guy named Deshawn. Now Deshawn had a girlfriend, but he was just really cool, and we had somethings in common we both like to play video games, he was from the US (I usually never click with guys from the US) but everything we talked about had a sexual undertone, so we joked about him coming over to "tap that ass" in a game of  whatever video game was hot at the moment. So one day, after all of the bs with the boyfriend, I decided to have Deshawn over for a game, but the batteries of the controller was out ( I was so used to playing alone) as my boyfriend was too old to play with me, and I neglected to change the batteries in the other controller. So I dressed way down, just scrub pants and over sized T, braids in a pony tail, I didn't want to give off any sexual vibes, just a friendly game of ....I don't even remember. So when he arrived he was wearing the classic basketball shorts, a tee shirt, and some fresh J's, he had to be about 6'4 200lbs, dark with a pretty smile. After discovering that the batteries didn't work, he said that he would go and get some. I thought, oh I am not dressed like a sex kitten this guy is not coming back, but he did with the batteries, and he did beat me in the video game, but it was fun to just hang out with man and laugh, and kick it, without any sexual pressure. It was like he was my boyfriend and my boyfriend was my cut buddy. So after a lot of heavy flirting, eventually we ended up having sex, he had this dick that was thick, long and curved "to the left, to the left"...lol, but having sex with him, was like making love. He would start off gentle, then just beat it up for a minute, he knew what he was doing. I remember we broke my bed once...lol. It was fun and exciting, we would even make jokes during, we would meet for lunch, in the "love" motels, I would pass him and his girl friend on the street, and just look and smirk. But, it was NO DRAMA, we would meet, he was a total gentleman, we both just wanted sex from each other, we both had other people, he was really straight forward, and he did what he said he was going to do when he said he was going to do it. We both had decent jobs, so he wasn't trying to get any money from me, because he had his own. I just liked the way he handle himself, he was coming to the states last summer, and contacted me via e-mail, if I wasn't pregnant, and mad as hell, at the time I would have gotten up with him. I keep saying that I want a husband, but at this point, and with taxes being the way they are, I can just get me a cut buddy or two or three, and chill out. I know men cheat, they think they are the only ones that get tired of the same old sex. Like there are things I would do with/ for my boyfriends that I would not do with someone who has not made at least a verbal agreement. Like even with my daughter's father, since he couldn't make up his mind "what it was" between him and I, I made up my mind to not do certain things in the bedroom, obviously we did enough, but I was not as open with him as I could have been. I couldn't be, I don't think his ego would have been able to handle it, plus he liked being in control so I let him. It could have gone a lot easier, if he was honest. Like I have a girlfriend back home, I don't want anything but sex, none of the mind games, no spending the night, no talking about our past or even getting to know each other on that level. Just jokes and sex. No dates, no mind games, no emotional ties on my part. I remember in the beginning I didn't ask any questions regarding family, or past or anything and after sex this guy would talk and talk and talk, and I remember thinking, this guy must have no one to talk to, because he is bearing his soul and all I want to do it sleep. We had sex and I didn't even know his first name, why because I didn't care? He said he was going out with the boys, and some other stuff but all I could think about was why is telling me this let's just have fun please, you inviting me in complicates things, and I didn't pay attention to his bull with tramps at work, because I had a boyfriend, and that fool was enough drama for me.  My boyfriend was acting up, I was lonely, and horny, and tipsy, and he was being aggressive, and just saying all of the right things, and I needed a release, and the whole time I was thinking, damn I cheated on my boyfriend again, shit my hole is going to be torn up and I am going to visit my boyfriend tomorrow, oh well my boyfriend's dick is bigger than this guys so he won't notice...do all Africans go a fuck school, because I swear my boyfriend does it the same way only  rougher...lol. I laugh now, but these were my thoughts as I was cheating on my boyfriend again...Deshawn, and now this guy....but Deshawn was a lot less trouble, he needs to open school for these fools out here. Anyway, after it all I know that I am not going to be faithful, I don't see the point. I tried it more than once, and it didn't work, when I was cheating I was getting all of my needs met, and was never empty handed or horny for that matter. I miss Deshawn. Now I know, so once I get a job, get my daughter squared away, get rid of this baby fat  I'm going back to the old me, keep five on deck and rotate them as needed, discreetly. Just give me the dick and let the girlfriends/wives deal with the bullshit, I've had my share.

I wish everything were that easy............

So this morning I woke up, changed the baby, washed her face, fed the baby, burped her and instead of putting her back to bed to finish my morning chores (cleaning up after the elders....ha ha ha ), I decided that I was going take a nap with her (which is why I am awake now). Usually someone cooks breakfast on Saturday, but I was tired I remember thinking, all I want is some McDonald's pancakes and sausage. I didn't tell anyone or say anything, it was just a quick thought. But lo and behold, when we woke up (she wakes up on her feeding schedule every 3 hours, such a greedy baby....lol) there it was on the counter top. It was like my father read my mind. I wonder if I think about winning the lottery jackpot, or all of the several sweepstakes I enter,  a decent husband and father to my child with whom I will be equally yoked , or even just a job so I can get me and my snookie pookie a place of our own will they just appear....who knows...I'll think about it briefly and see... :)

Losing it

So my search for a job is over, I have applied to so many and have turned down quite a few as well, but not getting this last one really discouraged me. I was looking forward to moving out, and moving on with my life more than the actual job. It was in Arizona, which is across the country, and even though my funds are very limited, I was willing to pack up once again and move me and my baby to a new warmer place. Even though I am a good home maker, I am tired of cleaning up after my parents, I know that I am staying here for "free", but at times I feel like a cook, a maid, plus a full time mom. And if I was in my own place, and at least getting laid it would make it bearable. And it is cold here, I don't like it. I tell myself everyday that this is only temporary, I listen to and watch pastors preach the word, and read it too, but it is hard to keep faith, when you know you have done and continue to do the right thing, but you are not seeing the results, I guess that's why it is called faith. I thank God that I put away that money years ago, and I know that once I am able, I will never allow myself to get in this situation again. I am finally getting to the point where I am accepting the past. I still get angry from time to time, and I can't look at a man without feeling contempt, but I figure given a little more time those ill feelings will go away. I have narrowed my group of friends down to just one. Mel is the only one that knows everything about and I mean everything about me, and she doesn't judge, and I don't judge her. She laughed at me, when we went to lunch and had only a glass of wine, and that was more than enough. Yeah I don't drink, smoke or have sex, but I don't feel like it, and consequences of each far out weigh the benefit. Plus, I am not coming around my daughter smelling of alcohol, or smoke and even when I do move out, having strange men around my child is a no no. Especially just for a couple of moments of pleasure, what message would that be sending to her. Sometimes I know God is testing me, if I had not carried that child in my womb I wouldn't know she belonged to me. Honestly she looks NOTHING like me, she sweats a lot, she is stubborn, left handed, has this little mustache (hairy) and she has this birth mark right on her butt. Every time I look at her I see him, and it makes me angry and breaks my heart to know that she will never know him. I have tried to reach out to his family via social media, but they didn't make this child with me, so ultimately it is not their responsibility. They probably think I am just a promiscuous immoral woman, trying to gain money by using this child. It is not true but I have no idea what has been said, and I just don't trust men anymore to do the right thing, to tell the truth, nothing. But, she is happy, she knows I am mommy, and if I leave her for a moment (if just to take a shower) she smiles when she sees me again. Actually, she smiles all of the time, except for when she is hungry, I swear there's a fat baby that lives on the inside of her, and I am so happy I stopped breastfeeding a couple of months ago. She is so greedy.  But, to know that she is happy, makes being here tolerable. But, I can only do this for a little while longer...

New Year.....

When you sit at home all day with an infant that is pretty much on a schedule you have time to do a lot of thinking, and that can drive you crazy if you let it. I have had much time to reflect and think the past, and what I could have done differently. But the truth of the matter is , I can't change the past. I can only change the future. I enjoy spending time with my daughter, she makes me smile so much, and she is adorable. I pray to God to help me to forgive her father for being such a shitty asshole, I find comfort in knowing that he will reap the seeds he has sown, and I pity him because I don't think he is strong enough to handle what he dishes out. Oh well, I don't want to be around when the walls come tumbling down. I am looking forward to starting a new job this year, and even though I am not sure if I am ready, but I know before the year is out, I would at least want to go on one date. I am happy that I made it 366 days without sex. I talked to one of my ex's and he laughed and asked if I was still alive...he knew my insatiable appetite well. I am looking forward to getting a place of my own again, so my little pumpkin and me can just be. I know this is weird, but I want one more child, (a boy). I wish that my daughter's father, would donate some sperm, so at least they would have the same shitty father biologically, and I could get my tubes tide, and marry a responsible man. I can't imagine having sex with him again, emotionally I have nothing for him, but my daughter is beautiful, and I am thinking we make beautiful children together. It was just a thought, at least that way I will not have two children, with two different fathers. This is why, you should get married  first, but then again that's not even guaranteed to last.