Losing it

So my search for a job is over, I have applied to so many and have turned down quite a few as well, but not getting this last one really discouraged me. I was looking forward to moving out, and moving on with my life more than the actual job. It was in Arizona, which is across the country, and even though my funds are very limited, I was willing to pack up once again and move me and my baby to a new warmer place. Even though I am a good home maker, I am tired of cleaning up after my parents, I know that I am staying here for "free", but at times I feel like a cook, a maid, plus a full time mom. And if I was in my own place, and at least getting laid it would make it bearable. And it is cold here, I don't like it. I tell myself everyday that this is only temporary, I listen to and watch pastors preach the word, and read it too, but it is hard to keep faith, when you know you have done and continue to do the right thing, but you are not seeing the results, I guess that's why it is called faith. I thank God that I put away that money years ago, and I know that once I am able, I will never allow myself to get in this situation again. I am finally getting to the point where I am accepting the past. I still get angry from time to time, and I can't look at a man without feeling contempt, but I figure given a little more time those ill feelings will go away. I have narrowed my group of friends down to just one. Mel is the only one that knows everything about and I mean everything about me, and she doesn't judge, and I don't judge her. She laughed at me, when we went to lunch and had only a glass of wine, and that was more than enough. Yeah I don't drink, smoke or have sex, but I don't feel like it, and consequences of each far out weigh the benefit. Plus, I am not coming around my daughter smelling of alcohol, or smoke and even when I do move out, having strange men around my child is a no no. Especially just for a couple of moments of pleasure, what message would that be sending to her. Sometimes I know God is testing me, if I had not carried that child in my womb I wouldn't know she belonged to me. Honestly she looks NOTHING like me, she sweats a lot, she is stubborn, left handed, has this little mustache (hairy) and she has this birth mark right on her butt. Every time I look at her I see him, and it makes me angry and breaks my heart to know that she will never know him. I have tried to reach out to his family via social media, but they didn't make this child with me, so ultimately it is not their responsibility. They probably think I am just a promiscuous immoral woman, trying to gain money by using this child. It is not true but I have no idea what has been said, and I just don't trust men anymore to do the right thing, to tell the truth, nothing. But, she is happy, she knows I am mommy, and if I leave her for a moment (if just to take a shower) she smiles when she sees me again. Actually, she smiles all of the time, except for when she is hungry, I swear there's a fat baby that lives on the inside of her, and I am so happy I stopped breastfeeding a couple of months ago. She is so greedy.  But, to know that she is happy, makes being here tolerable. But, I can only do this for a little while longer...