Never let them see you cry

When I was sixteen I was excited about getting my driver's license because all of my friends had their's and because my birthday was later in the year I had to wait, so after taking the class and passing the written portion, all that was left was the on road test. Well, I failed this portion not once but twice because I could parallel park without hitting the curve or the cones (automatic fail), so on my third try I was beyond nervous, and it took me longer than usual to parallel park, and I know that I bumped the cone just a little as I was pulling out of the parking space, and as I was parking the car and the test administrator was tallying up my score, my eyes began to fill-up with water, because I knew I had fail again, and test administrator looked like a no nonsense stone faced older man. So as he finished the test, he said to me and I will never forget, " I don't care how you are feeling on the inside, never let them see you sweat, and never let them see you cry. You passed." So, when people tell me things just to get a reaction, I get quiet process the information for a second then continue on like it is nothing, then go somewhere else and cry if I need to. It is a shame but some people even family thrive on others pain.

God Knows and now you do too

It takes all of my might to hold my tongue sometimes. I think about my current situation, and the only thing I am certain of is that I will never be in a position of where I have no where to go, again. I will depend on God alone, and what I can do to make sure that my daughter and I are provided for. I will have a plan b, c, d, e, and f. I didn't remember why, I stayed away so long before, but I remember now. And now that I have my child, I am certain that she will have short visits where I will be present. I remember why my personal life, was MY personal life, and once I leave I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will not ever come here to live again. Some families are better if you spend time with them on the phone, and that's it. I applied for this job down south, and I pray to God that it is in his will for me to get it, because my money is very low, and I feel like I'm ready to start a new life with me and my daughter. I thought I wanted to stay close to my family for support, but my money is getting low and I want to put some distance between us. Also it has been my experience that God sends people to you when you need them. Plus it is those closest to you that can hurt you the most and I have had my share of hurt this year, and I am tired of my family throwing it up in my face. I tell anyone that you have to have tough skin to be around my family. And I am trying not to pick up  those habits. So I just keep my mouth shut and try to ignore as much as I can, and when I can't anymore I leave the room.  All that aside, I would like to start some traditions of my own. Instead of staying in a hot kitchen cooking for ungrateful people, I would like to take a trip with my daughter somewhere warm, annually and have fun and take pictures, and laugh. She is my family now, so I just want to make sure she has a good life, and I'm ready to start.

Therapy

This my therapy, I thought about going to waste my time talking to another human being about my issues, then I thought, why do that when I can 1) talk to God because ultimately he is the only One that can fix them. 2) I can write it for all of the world to see, just to get it out, and if someone cares to comment then I know it's because they truly took the time to actually read my post. So for me this is great, I can bear my soul without being totally vulnerable because there is a bit of anonymity here.

So sex has been on my mind lately, I am 60 days away from going a year without it, but given the circumstances, being a really angry pregnant lady for 9 months, then having a natural episiotomy (vaginal tear) during labor because I didn't have sex at all during the pregnancy, so my pum pum was super tight. I remember how painful my vaginal exam was 3 weeks before my daughter was born, and my doctor's bewildered facial expression when she discovered that I had not be having sex, it was at that moment I laughed to myself because I knew she thought I was lying. So after the tearing and the stitches it would be six weeks of healing ( and bleeding ) but for me since I was diabetic and I had two small fibroid tumors, and I had an IUD placed, it was eight weeks before the bleeding stopped and everything seems to be back to normal (I looked in a mirror and my girl looks normal again), and my hormones seem to be regular. So tonight I was watching this movie with Black Thought (I have been a fan of his lyrics for sometime now), and I was like "Hmm he is looking really tasty" it was very short lived though because I thought about all of my past sexual escapades and I  thought of the results of each and I thought nope, this feeling in my flesh shall past. Its just is not worth it anymore, it is like my mind and heart and flesh are all fight against each other, but as I look at where I am currently, my mind has a logical practical answer for every foolish feeling or hormonal yearning that tries to surface. The heart is foolish, and loves without consequence, the flesh is an insatiable pleasure junkie, and I am all too familiar with results if one is lead by either, so from now on my cautious mind is what I will follow.....my heart and flesh are speaking nonsense and my ears are deaf to them, and both are closed until further notice.

When ?

So tonight for the first time in at least 18 months I went out with a couple of friends. It was nice to go out with an adult (30 and older) crowd.  My friend insisted on finding me a husband, but I was more than happy with my drink (s) and wings. All I could think about was getting home to my daughter. Plus I am not ready to deal with any man right now, not sure when I will be ready, but I am still not over my daughter's father yet. And I want to be completely over him before I even think about moving on. I don't want the next guy to suffer, because of something he was not involved in. So I enjoyed the music, the company, the drinks, the food, and came home to my parents (who baby sat for me), and my beautiful little girl, with the huge eyes. Even though, things didn't work out with her father and I , I don't regret having her.  Good Night 

Heavy on my mind

So, for the past couple of days I have wanted to sit down and write, but I have been extremely tired, and sick. But I feel physically better now. So today I turned down a job, because it was three hours away, and honestly I just don't have it in me to move yet again, especially for a contract job. It's not just me anymore, so I (we) need some security. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I just would have stuck to my guns, June 18, 2010,and not invited my daughter's sperm donor to my house (I think regret is the emotion that I'm feeling), but I wanted the company, and I was bored, plus my intentions were pure, but it had been awhile since I had sex, and things were on the rocks with me and my fiance, and I should have listened and heeded when he told me his intentions. Even though I love my daughter dearly, sometimes I feel as if God played a joke on me, by making her look like him, that forces me to deal with whatever ill emotions that I have towards him and to get over it. Because the last thing I want to do is punish her just because she looks like him. And I really think that it is unfair, because all he has to do is walk away, and pretend as if none of this ever happened. He doesn't have to see her, or answer questions, or anything, just deny, but then again he doesn't get to experience any of the good stuff either. I thought that I would do the whole child support thing, but forget it. I can't force someone to be a responsible adult, especially someone who feels that human life is worth so little, plus I would probably loose my cool if this fool says something like " I didn't even want the child, so why should I have to pay anything?" plus even though it is getting better with time, I still have this deep seated anger within me towards him, and I really don't want to see his face (after all I see him in her everyday). I can't understand it, I have never in my life been so angry with a person, usually I am able to forgive, (snap my finger) just like that. This is going to take time, plus I am sure I will forget all about him, once I start working, get out of this place, and get someone else.

Speaking of the latter, I just realized that I may go the whole year without having sex. The last time I had sex I just felt so unclean, and used. My sperm donor was trying to convince me to get an abortion, and I knew in my heart that if I got, an abortion, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself, and that I would never want to see him again, and I knew if I kept her (which I did), that he wasn't going to be around, so I cried, because either way it was difficult messy end. And I was angry with myself for crying in front of him, because he didn't deserve to see me like that.  At least I don't have to worry about seeing him ever again, and I am still trying to decide what I am going to tell my daughter when she ask about him. I thought about telling her the truth, even though it is harsh I think that is the best. Hopefully, by then I will be married to a good man, so that she will have some father figure to buffer the hurt, just in case she ever wants to meet this guy, and he is rude to her or denies her to her face.

Only time will tell, but even with all of these emotions, I still think that she is the cutest little thing. I am amazed that she came out of me, of course she is mean ( I was mad, the entire pregnancy). But every now and then she will smile for a split second, and then back to the serious face. I think that is so funny. I hold her in my arms for hours at a time, and of course my parents adore her, not to mention her uncles, and aunts, her little cousins. Everwhere we go she get compliments on how cute she is, I told her today that she was a superstar...lol. My little hairy turtle..(because she has a head full of hair, and she likes to sleep with her butt in the air and her little feet tucked under.) If she wasn't here, I would have gone off the deep end for sure, but since I know that she depends on me for everything I try my best to keep it together. I will be returning to work soon, and that way I can stop snacking, and get myself together...lol. I went to the Ob Doctor last week and got my non horomonal reversible long term birth control (2 to 10 years). I was excited about that, even though I am not having sex and not planning on it, it's nice to know that there will be no slip ups, just in case I have a weak moment, one baby is enough, I wish I would have know about this before, then again I wasn't sure that I could even have a child before. Anyway, this pregnancy was difficult, especially the labor, I was scared there for a minute, my mother told me that I lost a lot of blood, and I tore pretty bad, hell, it's eight weeks after and I am still bleeding (so if I was with someone that actually wanted to stick around, he would be upset). But I think I tore badly because I didnt have sex at all during the pregnancy, so my hole was actually tightened up, and then to have this big headed child come as fast as she did. But, the good thing is that I can heal properly without anyone pressuring me to have sex. Plus, I don't feel like it, and my stomach, although it is extra soft looks a hot mess. Maybe that's too much information, but I felt like sharing.

Well I got what I wanted off of my chest, have a good night.....

Uncertain

Last night I got a really bad fever, and all I could think about was, I hope my child doesn't catch this from me, and I wondered why my parents didn't come and at least watch the child for the night as I slept, and tried to get better. This was the one time I needed them to help. After all, this is one of the main reasons I moved here, to get help. Then I started to think, if I'm not getting help now, then why stay. I said when I moved here that I would try to stay as long as I could, but as the six month mark approaches, I am getting restless. I did find a job with the benefits, and stability I want, however the job is on the other side of the country, and I fear that my child will not have the proper cultural influence. The last thing I need is my child to grow up disliking anything about herself because of her environment. Well, I guess that's also a risk if I stay. I wanted to stay here, so at least she would get a chance to know her cousins, and uncles, and aunts, but I need stable work, with benefits. I am so uncertain, I will say a prayer, and ask for guidance, because I know that God is the only one I can depend upon, on that I am certain.

Why get married?

So a couple of weeks ago, my father mentioned that I should get married, because my daughter needs a consistent father figure in her life. I replied that she has a grandfather and two uncles, and I was not going to get married. Usually, we joke around, but from my tone, he knows that I was serious. My mother and sister, say that I am just bitter, but I know better. Men cheat. A majority of men cheat, there may be that couple of virgins that fall in love, get married, have children, and remain faithful to each other, but that is exception to the rule, not the rule. I have experienced being the one cheated on and being the one cheated with, and although some may look down upon the latter, it has been my experience in being "the other woman" the guy actually told me the truth, no illusions, I knew he was an unfaithful person, we had a mutual understanding, and when I wanted it end, it ended. Of course, there were no hard feelings on my part, because there was no emotional investment on my part. Now, on the other hand I have also been the faithful girlfriend, who (in my mind) was doing everything right, only to discover, that everything that I was giving was not enough. So after, finding the extra on-line profiles, and females phone numbers hidden under male names, and discovering hidden children conceived during our relationship, and the whole other personality/family in another country, wasting time worrying about "is he coming home tonight", putting my career on the line, being made a complete fool of, I decided enough was enough. After moving home and witnessing the hurt cheating cause my mother and my sister in law, I wonder why get married? At this stage in my life, what do I need a husband for? Morally I know that a man is suppose have a wife, and that sex within marriage is pure, and that there is an order, needless to say I didn't follow the order, so as a result I deal with the consequences of my actions, and I am grateful, so at least I can share my experiences with my daughter when she gets older so that she will not make the same mistakes I did, but at this point, I can't see, why I need a husband. I have a career so once I finally start working again, I will make more than enough to provide for myself and my daughter. And if there's some hard manual labor around the house I need done, I can pay someone to do that.  I have friends that I can talk too, and as far as companionship goes, to me the risk far out weigh the benefits. I used to want to get married so that I could have someone to have a child with, but I have a child now, so there is no need for it. As for sex, there are toys, or I could pay someone, no hassles. My daughter is the only dependant that I have to take care of, and for her I would happily do that, but as for a man, no way, no how, no more.

Never in a million years......

14 months has past since I last posted a blog. To say that my life has changed since then would be an understatement. I have gone from having being a successful single career woman, to being a stereotypical single mother on public assistance, staying at home with my parents. I am not sure if this a test of my faith, a result of really bad decision, a blessing in disguise or all three, but I didn't see this coming, and now as my financial situation is looking dim, I am on the verge of desperation, not to mention frustration. How did this happen? Well, I got pregnant, and made the decision to have my daughter, which was a no brainer for me, however her father wanted me to get an abortion, and I learned at that very moment, that for 18 months I was nothing more than a piece of ass, to be used and tossed aside at his discretion. I'm still not over that, and I'm not sure when I will be, especially considering the fact that my daughter looks like a cuter, way more adorable version of him. Anyways, since he made it clear that he wasn't going to help, I had to quit my job, and move in with my parents, that treat me like a child, since apparently, I don't make good decisions. I am beyond frustrated, I look for a job everyday, and I'm constantly criticized about my lack of parenting skills, or my weight, or the fact that I don't feel like talking about my daughter's father which is understandable to me. If I do show any emotion, I am told that I should cut it out, because "crying over a situation will not make it better." I sometimes wonder if there's a difference between being humbled and being defeated. Usually I am the one encouraging and uplifting friends during hard times, and when I feel the worst my mind remembers the story of Job, I try to remind myself that this situation is only temporary, and that soon everything will be better than normal. But to be honest, I feel trapped, and I'm still dealing with feelings of rejection, abandonment, anger, and disappointment, my self esteem (much like mortgage rates...lol) is at an all time low, but I can't say anything about it to anyone. I imagine myself many times over, just kicking my daughter's father ass, but the fact is that he is gone (left the country) and will never acknowledge the fact that he was ever involved with me or claim my daughter as his child, too. My daughter's cute self is the reason for me to remain on the bright side of sanity. I have dark moments, but I don't stay there for long plus I figure once I find a job with great benefits, that will be the beginning of  our (my daughter and I) "fresh start " and I will not have time to think about the "what ifs" only the "what is" but until then I will vent here.....