Moments

I have come to realize that lucky for us that we don't remember every second of everyday, we remember the important moments. Like I remember the very moment my daughter was born, and even though I had the epidural, I could still feel the pressure, and I will never forget that. I also remember being so amazed that once she was in my arms, I didn't want her out of my sight, and that her life was worth all the pain (emotional and physical). She is so big now, 7 months later and attempting to walk (with assistance). That time just pasted so quickly, she is growing yet I still have that baby weight...ha ha ha. In two months or less, I will be working again, I am excited about that, it took awhile, but I believe that I am ready to fight decay with a smile, again. I am ready to live with The Holy Spirit, myself and my daughter only...ready to re-establish a routine. I remember so many moments, but I hold on the good ones, I write because I tend to forget the bad, and that's a good thing for me, but when it comes to people, that can be a bad thing as well, because if I allow them back into my life, I can end up repeating the same old story. It has taken awhile but I am learning that I can forgive, forget, and keep people away for my own safety, and be perfectly guilt free.  But anyway, I remember moments, and those that I don't I write down, I have on tape, which I love, because taping moments show it all, no lies. I don't know how to edit, so whatever is on the tape, is how it was at that moment in time. It is so funny that while I am doing things I have no idea of why, but later on it all makes sense. Like for example, a gave a  then companion a Christmas gift of a Sade CD, because earlier during one of his late night rambling sections, he mentioned that he had that CD and he would play a song for his daughter to fall asleep too, but he had since misplaced it. But, when I gave him the CD, he told me to keep it for my own daughter. Now at the time, I was pregnant with my daughter and didn't know it. I don't play it for her at all, but when I look at that Sade CD I remember that moment, it is like a movie flashback, foreshadowing my future. It seems like it happened only a short time ago...

What is your wealth?

Lately, I have been focusing so much on what I want and my plans for the future, that I haven't been taken enough time to thank God for what I have. But I am thankful. I went to the movies tonight with my sister in law, I know I said previously that I was not going to hang out with her, but she is family, and she is a good person. Afterwards, we stopped by Friday's which was full of entertainment, drunks with fake boobs, yelling matches and drunk people getting kicked out by security. But, I met this waiter Albert, and he was telling me about his son, back home with his family, and his girlfriend here, he said he planned to go to College but had not yet enrolled, and as I questioned him more, the clearer it became that he didn't know what he was going to do. He has a four year old son, and it just so happens that he left home four years ago, but he talks to the boy on skype. He told us the story of how his father had six wives and 22 children, and his father takes care of them all (financially). He boasted that out of the 22 children only one smokes and drinks. But it seems to me that if the father was setting such a great example, why isn't he following his footsteps? It was sad to me, I couldn't be one of six wives, giving my all, while I am only getting 1/6th in return, negro please. I don't want to share period or we will both be sharing,  and if that's how it is going to be then why be married? I am not down with those cultural differences, not judging, but no way, its not for me. I am an AMERICAN WOMAN, born and raised, and I want a provider, but I want a friend, lover, husband, and involved father, I am so happy I don't have to depend on anyone by God to take care of me, and that means I don't have to sell my soul or body to receive His blessing, (Jesus paid that price for me).....Preaching (LOL)

 But, I don't know how people could skype their babies, I was so thankful for the time to go on the "date", but I was also so happy to be going home to my parents and my big headed baby. I was excited to just Thank God, that I am not going home to an empty home. I am happy and thankful, that I can pray to God, talk to God, listen to God, sing to God. This is my wealth. I have the FREEDOM to do that. I have the chance to start over, with a more discerning spirit. I can hug and kiss my parents who are both still alive and well. I can laugh with my baby girl, and hold her, and sing to her (even though she laughs). She is in the bed with me now, she was head butting my arm as I was typing this, and she looked at me with those big pretty eyes as if to say, I am trying to sleep mommy. I would stop typing and she would put her head down, and then it would pop back up as I began to type again. Hilarious. I love these little moments. Here is where my wealth dwells. I am overflowing with, and surrounded by LOVE. 

Love Doesn't Hurt

Lately I have been cutting back on my social media usage, and I know as soon as I am employed again, I am thinking about canceling my accounts all together. The main reasons I keep the accounts open now are to read inspirational messages, and so my daughter's family (both sides) will be able to see pictures of her.  My family, especially my mother's side does not get to together except for funerals (so sad),and I only have to visit my father's side every year or so. And just to be a fair mother, I think that her father's family should at least know what the child looks like, so if in the future she decides she want to make babies with anyone, hopefully there will be no intermingling with unknown family members.

Anyways, I read some non-sense that bothered me. I could never understand how someone could say *&^ love, and then in the next post say something about God. Don't you know that God is Love? Love doesn't cause pain, love is not confusing, love is not deception, rejection, lust, selfishness. I have had enough experience to know what love is not. If you think that love hurts, then that's not love. No your feelings were hurt because someone rejected you, lied to you, deceived or betrayed you, took your love for granted for their selfish reasons. I wonder if these people read their Bible's or if they just go to church and hear what they want to hear. Your CREATOR is LOVE there are many examples of His love throughout the Holy Bible. Love does not hurt, and I have learned the hard way, that some people can't accept love because they don't know what it is. To them it is a game, or something to be suspicious of. But you know, there is no shame in LOVE. Love wants the best for you, even when you don't want it, or can't see it for yourself. Love forgives, and forgets. Love doesn't hurt.  There is a whole passage in the Bible ( 1 Cor. 13, I think) about love, if you ever want to know if someone loves you like they say, refer to it, and see.

Back

Five,  no six years ago (my my the time does fly) I had to take an exam for me to work in 41 of the the 50 states, I was unsuccessful two times, so being as though I had an obligation and time line, and I was hurt that I failed twice, I decided to go a different route to receive a license to work, after all I was joining  the military, they didn't care which state as long as it was one of the states. Fast forward to today, I can only work in two maybe three states without having to take some form of that test. So in order for me to move forward freely, I must go back and conquer that test. I am much more prepared today, then I was back then. I told myself I would never take that test again. Ha who was I fooling. I heard the radio preacher, say the same thing today. I take it as God trying to tell me something. "Sometimes in order to move forward, you have to go back." Moses is an example that comes to mind, he spent 40 years in the wilderness running away, but in order for him to fulfill his God ordained destiny he had to go back to Egypt. Yep, sometimes you have to go back,  finish unfinished business, make things right before God can place you where He wants you to go next.

Yearning

My parents went away to celebrate their 40th anniversary. That is a long time, they grew up together, my mother was only 19 and my father 21 when they said those vows. I am a witness that it was not all roses, and my mother told me herself, if I didn't come home when I did, they may not have made it. (God does work in mysterious ways). I am happy for them, but in their absence I long for companionship. I can talk to my daughter all day, but I will only get smiles, spit, and dada as a response. I am ready to get together with a man, I know that I will not be a single parent for long, once we move out of here. I don't want to be, never wanted to be. Someone I can be myself with, that will not take advantage of me or my daughter. Someone I can love on that will not get sick of it (not sex, but just be affectionate with). In time.....in time.

Pride

If anyone truly knows me, they know that I like to be independent. I have worked since I was 15 years old. I have been foolish at times with my money, but I have always managed to put a little bit away for a rainy day. And it has been pouring, so much so that I am out, so I have had to dependent on the Government, and my parents for help. It has been humbling. I was finally at the point where I was pulling in the six figure salary, and life was like uh uh honey, not so fast. It was like keep making money, but it will cost you in the long run, and this chump change ain't worth doing the right thing. But, that's okay, at least it happened now (it being starting over), as opposed to later when I would have gotten REALLY comfortable. I thank God that my parents are able to help me out, I have never asked, because I have always felt that as an adult, my parents delight in seeing me do well without having to ask for help, and I like it. I enjoy not having to ask anyone, but God for help. However, since the flood of circumstances, I have had no choice, I have had to swallow my pride and accept the help my parents offered. I laugh because before I used to get so angry because they would always help my siblings out, and never offer to give me a little something. But, at the time I didn't need any help, and I sure as hell wasn't going to ask, but I am happy they are here when I need them. And best thing is that they know as soon as I am back on my feet, I am going to pay back every penny. I am not going to take advantage of my parents, I have siblings that do that, and that think that they are entitled or that my parents owe them, that just burns me up. Plus, I have a child, and I would not want her to have that mentality. I am blessed to have a home to go back to, and parents that are able and willing to love me unconditionally. I will make sure my child has the same.

Speaking of which, this little girl is so smart, and sweet. I was drinking a bottled water with my right hand, and holding her in my left arm, and as I lifted up the bottled she put her little hand on the bottom of the bottle to hold it up ( that's exactly how, I feed her with her bottle). I thought it was so cute, that she would even try to help "feed"mommy. She's a quick learner, which was a reminder to me to watch what I do, say, and behave in front of her, because she certainly is. I just thought that was the cutest kind jester. It made me smile.

Open

The other day, I needed to go pray. It is true you can pray anywhere, but I felt the need to be in the house of the Lord. And since it was not a Sunday, or a designated "prayer" time most of the Protestant Churches were closed, doors locked, and in some cases parking lot gates chained. So, I went to a Catholic church, I am not Catholic, and have at times called it along with Jehovah's witnesses a cult. It is not a cult, there are just some traditions I strongly disagree with, but when it came time for me to pray, the church doors were open, and I was not turned away. I am having a flashback of when I was in high school, and we went to London, I was with this tour group and we stayed awake partying and they were (not me) smoking green stuff (spoiled brats), and it was scheduled on the tour that we attend Easter Sunday Mass at Westminster Abbey the next day, and I was so sleepy from staying up all night that during prayer, I was so thankful for the padded prayer stools, because I was comfortable kneeling to sleep during that seemingly long service. I remembered those prayer stools, and was thankful again when I needed them this time to actually pray. I was delighted that the church was open, it was only a hand full of people, mostly older women but of all ethnic groups. I didn't feel awkward at all. I felt welcomed, and as I knelt to pray I was comfortable, even once the tears began to flow. People always have a way of making you feel weak for crying, it was just how I was raised. Out of all the funerals I have attended I can count on one finger, how many I actually cried at. Since becoming pregnant though, it is like the water works have been turned on, and I can cry at a moments notice, but I don't like to because it drains me. I need a good sleep afterwards, and with the little lady to care for I can't just cry and then sleep. Anyways, I was happy that the doors of the church were truly open when I needed them to be...it was nice.

Light

So, I have been the fog about where I should settle, what I should do, when I should begin to work? All of these questions have been on my mind daily, so I have been frustrated. I finally went to go see the "seer" and I know now (after much needed prayer), that she may hear "spirits" but they are not from God, so I will not be getting anymore "readings". That doesn't mean that, she is all bad, however she has allowed herself to be influenced by things, I'd rather not deal with. I have enough evil people trying to bring me down, I don't need any more evil spirits in my life. Her mentor, suggested that I go to church, and I did, after some time in prayer, I felt better, and things began to clear up. And the more I pray the clearer my path is laid out before me. I have been fighting it for a long time, but it is time to let my anger go. I'm not saying that I will not have bad days, but people are moving forward everyday, my baby is six months old, and she has little teeth now. She is a pretty little thing, she looks so much like her father it pains me to look at her sometimes, and her favorite word is dada, but she is all mine, and both of our blood runs through her veins. And she is so happy. She smiles when I sing, I am not sure if it is smiling or laughing, but she seems to like it. And just music in general she likes. She has the biggest eyes, and I am happy that she is here. I probably would have had a nervous break-down if I didn't have her. God gave me this gift, how insulting would it be for me to give it back to Him without even experiencing the joy and love she brings me. Yes, I was and still am at times angry with her father for leaving, but not for me, more for her, but my anger towards him is only affecting me, so I have to just say to hell with it. And focus on my little bundle of joy.

 I am not going to rush getting back to work, bills will get paid when they get paid. I am just going to chill, I am tired of crying, and stressing over people or things which I have no control over. Things are starting to get better.

No Reciprocity Here

For what seems like the longest time to me, I have been dwelling in the past, and trying to figure out the quickest way possible to get over getting my feelings hurt, forgive those who hurt me, so that I may move on to the next chapter in my life. Everyone tells you what to do, but no one seems to know, how. I was talking to an older woman today, and in the midst of my emotions, she said you have to get the "hell the over it", and I asked her HOW?! Tell me what to do so I can get over it. Then she said something about its going to take time, but she didn't tell me how to forgive someone for hurting you. How to let go of the anger, but I discovered that if admitted not only to her but to myself aloud, and I heard myself speaking the words of how I truly felt, that it lifted a weight, that had been weighing me down for at least a year. To admit that I was hurt and felt deceived and rejected, and that I felt I had been betrayed, and that even though my hurts were, all of these feelings were rooted in love. If I didn't still love, and care for the person that hurt me, then I couldn't hold on to the hurt. It wouldn't matter if I didn't care. And once I admitted aloud that I still loved him even after all the mistreatment, and the rejection and abandonment, a weight was lifted. I feel like, okay, I loved him and he didn't love me back. But, that's okay, there is no wrong in loving someone, I didn't do anything wrong. I treated him the way I wanted to be treated. I didn't pretend, I didn't deceive him, I didn't lie to him, it was 100% real on my end. I opened my heart let him in, and I got hurt. I loved him and he didn't love me back. I am accepting that. It hurts but, life goes on. I was good. He always would say "be good" and I was. I was open, and it was a joke to him. He was a good pretender, he even gave me little gifts just to string me along, I thought they were thoughtful, a letter, a pilsner glass from his travels, and a wooden figurine. I used to read that letter almost every night, when he was away, and I missed him. And the glass was thoughtful, because I actually did like beer (when I used to drink), and I liked German beer, because a friend of mine introduced me to the smoother taste of German beer during my undergraduate days, and I loved it way better than the bitter beers here. I don't remember if I ever told him that story, but it was thoughtful and I really liked it, because it also fit nicely with my other shot glasses from my travels. And last but not least, the wooden figurine with the big bottoms. I don't have a round bottom, just a flat one, still jiggly, but it was a joke and it made me laugh at the time. Too bad it was all just little things to keep me hanging on like a fool. He played me well, and I fell for it. I loved him and he didn't love me back. The more I say it, the more I can accept it, and not be angry. In time I will have no emotional response towards anything regarding him, other than my daughter. Because, I still love him, and he never loved me at all.

It gets easier...

Have you ever been through so much, that little things don't matter. My sister in law is/was mad at me because I told my brother that she had a "toy" party while he wasn't there, my brother is mad at her because she didn't tell him the truth.  I said this is ridicious, and I am not going to be in middle, so I am removing myself from the equation, my sister in law is cool, but I can't be her friend. I don't have time for the mess. Family is cool, but I don't need anymore drama, so if they have to be cut then so be it. Ain't nobody got time for that.....lol

Early Morning Rant

Most of the time I get on this thing and I write about what is troubling me at the moment in time, and I don't re-read it often. This "blog" or rather on-line journal serves as means for me to vent my frustrations exactly how I feel in the language I feel without judgement, sort of like a written prayer, exactly like a written prayer. I can't hold my feelings in, and I have to be 100% honest. I have to be, or I am wasting my time, and I realize that anyone out there reading this, may think that I am a bitch dwelling on the negative, and that I need to move forward. And that may be true, to an extent, because rarely do I write what I am thankful for, and if anyone truly knew me, before, I was the poster child for positive thinking, and at times I still am. And I am not making excuses, but when people are hurt, depending on how deeply, it takes time for that to heal, it's not like the movies where you can fast forward to three years later, and boom, back to happy again. You have to live through every second of that healing. So some days I feel great, well most days I feel great, there are times when people don't feel like hearing, about my hurt feelings again and I know this, as everyone has their own battles. I am human, yes I am a Christian, but no I am not perfect, and it is so easy to be angry, and dwell in it. Sometimes my self pep talk goes something like this "Girl, that nigga is gone, and never coming back. He is not sorry, he didn't care about anyone but himself to begin with, why are you wasting time thinking about this guy, praying for this guy. He left you pregnant, screwed the office slut (as that tacky bitch was posting shit all on facebook), and God knows who else, left the country never called to check on you while you were pregnant, after you had the child, denied you, denied his own child. He tried to convince you to abort her, because he knew that he was promised to marry someone else. When all you did was let him in, cared for him, be there when he needed you. He has other bastard children, so this is not his first time doing this. Maybe somewhere in his culture this behavior is acceptable.  You did nothing wrong, get your shit together. You have a beautiful healthy happy daughter, you have a career, get back on track  because right now she has only you to depend on. You can shoot him in the knee caps later, if you still feel he even worth the cheap ass bullets or the two seconds of your time it would take to pull the trigger. Yeah, you fucked up by letting that nigga in, but never again, not in your life, and definitely not in her life, he is dead to you, there are an estimated 7 billion people in the world, another man will surely come your way. Someone better, now get it together. Go clean yourself  up , stop listening to that sad R&B shit, and get out of this house." I laugh now, but when I am feeling down, my those are my thoughts. But the one thing that stuck out, was that my daughter is beautiful, and she is, she makes me laugh everyday, and she is worth it. Sometimes I think of how my life would have turned out if I did get that abortion, I would have had a lot more money, but I just could not have that on my conscience. I am not a child, that was raped, or that didn't know what I was doing. We were two adults fucking (he would dress it up and say making love), unprotected, on several occasions, and as a result we made "my love".  It will all turn out for the good though, I believe that, Roman 8:28 tells me so.

WTF

You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.  I am referring to my job, oh I miss it so. I miss my money even more. I miss my king sized bed, my kitchen, my freedom. I feel like the more I sit here, the more I am standing still, not moving forward, not getting on with my (our) lives, and it's not like I am not trying. I apply to job after, job after....waiting for the right opportunity. I have accepted the fact that I am going to have to move again. I don't know where I am going to get the money, but I have faith that once I get on the right path everything will come easily. It's just so frustrating not having a plan or knowing when I will find said path....9 months is a long time, but I can't stop trying, even if I have to cry every now and then, more now than then lately. WTF, smh wtf ;(.

Funky mood...

I am not sure why but, I am in a funky (Stank) mood today. It was warm for March, and  tried everything to cheer myself up, but I am not sure what it is. It's not hormones, the red dot sale is over. The baby is behaving, in fact she is asleep early, I thank God for that because I need the quiet. My parents are not acting out of the normal, my father didn't even complain about the salad I prepared for dinner, he made a joke about me hinting that he was fat,even. I am toying with the idea of going raw, not just in my previous sex life...lol,  but food wise. Just to be healthier, not to mention to drop this baby weight as well. Maybe that's it. Since I have changed my diet maybe I am going through a junk food withdrawal, that and the fact that every time I try to search for a job, my efforts are blocked. I have tried several different web sites in terms of uploading my resume. I had a contract position in the works before the sequestration, maybe God is trying to tell me something. Either way, and I know I am not suppose to go visit a seer according to the Bible, but I think that I am going to pay her a visit, to make sure that there is not someone other than the Almighty, and myself trying to block my efforts. I do believe that their are people that wish to do others harm in a spiritual realm. It sounds weird, but I know what I feel. I know what I dream, and it is difficult to explain without sounding totally crazy, but it's not like alot of people actually read this anyway. I believe that as long as I place No other God before the Almighty then I am protected, but that doesn't mean that people, spirits will not try. As a child I used to have dreams, after my grandmother pasted she came to me in a dream. Asked about my mother, and told me to tell her that everything was going to be alright. I wasn't afraid at the time, but as I got older I didn't want to have dreams anymore, the whole ordeal frightened me. I used to be afraid of the dark, and tried to stay awake for as long as possible. 

Before I knew the sex of my child (I wanted a boy badly), but I had a dream of a pretty little baby girl dressed in yellow licking her tongue out at me, and I remember what she looked like vividly, and that's exactly how my little girl looks. The last time I went for a reading, I ended up reading the seer. I am not a trained seer, and it freaked me out, I wanted to learn more about my gift, but she wanted me to train to be this "priestess" in this African religion but I told her it was against my religion, as it is. I told her that God and God alone would have to teach me or lead me to develop my "gift", if it is  His will. But, I'm not going through any rituals or sacrificing any animals. I even called my ex, and he said "don't do it, don't participate in any ceremonies. Those people will drain you dry" in his Nigerian accent.  So I decided not to meet with her "mentor", I didn't have a good feeling about the whole thing, plus I didn't want to join something being totally ignorant of whom/what they were worshiping (anything other than God, is the devil). But, I did learn somethings, about myself, and why I behave the way I do, it has alot to do with "my gift". I am a huge skeptic ,but there are things she knew that only God and myself knew, so she was the real deal, but I felt that she was a bit off, scattered. Like she didn't have control, and she was being lead many different ways, and I like order. I like calmness. She told me that I didn't like to be around a crowd of people which is true. I remember, at my previous jobs there were these potlucks, and I thought it was because they were cooking shrimp (I am deathly allergic) but I would always have to leave the room, because there would be this strange off feeling, I used to joke about it the whole place being evil. There was even a sign on the front door, warning of snakes....lol. But, I have always been reclusive, I never like or need alot of attention, I would rather be in the background doing me. I don't like to live in big cities, she said it was because of my gift, and since I don't know how to shield myself , I am open to alot of spirits or some thing like that. I am not sure, I figured it was just that I liked my space, which I do , and more people = more problems. And the people I do let in, crush my poor little feelings so I would rather not be bothered. Either way, she was right. Which is why I don't want to move to the city. But I will see. I will see her soon, I hope she doesn't have any bad news.....

Once is enough

I know my daughter has other siblings, but if it is left up to me she will not meet them, honestly I am tired of being the bigger person. I didn't make the other children, I am not married to her father, and honestly since he wanted me to kill my child, then told me that he was going to deny her, and treated me worse than a street whore, as if I set him up, (yeah it's every woman's dream to have an unfaithful, irresponsible, uneducated, dead beat baby daddy with multiple children by multiple women as her husband. Yeah by having his baby out of wed-lock that would lock him down, what a catch...lol )  why on earth would I want my child to be associated with anyone that is kin to him, and subject her to being treated or regarded as anything other than the  beautiful blessing she is ?

Side note: I know you are thinking " You should have thought of that before getting pregnant " and I did (actually, it was on the tail end of things that I ended up pregnant, I had prepared well, up until that point...lol. It is so funny because he was suppose to move in, and at that point I thought  "okay if he is going to be living here, let me get on birth control just in case I can get pregnant, because he is fertile, and this ninja is not leaving me with a baby, while he goes off and marries his virgin bride". Ha that's exactly what he did. I am so embarrassed, ashamed, and angry at times, more at myself for even allowing him into my world, for overlooking all of those things just to focus on the positive, and there was some positive character traits at the time (more than just sex)  I know everyone has good and bad and he was showing me the "good guy",  but now I am convinced it was all just a show for him to get what he wanted, how he wanted and I am forced to accept the harsh truth that good men don't abandon their children willingly. I have look at our daughter, who re-symbols him everyday, it is difficult at times, but  then I remember that she is innocent, beautiful, deeply loved  and happy except for when I don't feed her on time..lol..... and that makes me smile, then she smiles. I love it (being a mother) .....I am thinking I should just tell my daughter that I had a one night stand and that I didn't know him that well, and that don't know where he is (which is 2/3rds true..lol apparently I didn't know him that well, and I don't know where he is.). Or better yet that he is dead, that way she will not go searching for him, who knows by the time she starts asking question maybe he will be, and the re-placement will be on deck...lol. Bad Joke, but it's how I feel.

I have to remind myself that he did us a favor by leaving, that opens the door for someone better. Last time I didn't think about the consequences of my actions, but this time I will. I know what to look for in a mate.I am grateful that I can choose a father for my daughter that will cherish her, and protect us, and love her unconditionally, be an example for what she is to look for in a mate. I messed up bad, but the good news is I will not do it again. Once is enough for me. Lesson Learned.

Made for this

Tonight my sister in law hosted one of those "toy" parties, and since we are close, I was there to help with the food, and the set-up. It was a good time amongst women, and it made me realize that I had been there, done that, it was nothing new or exciting there for me. I didn't buy anything, because I have all the toys I need, and because I am not having sex at the moment so there is no need to spice up a none existent sex life, plus I know where the shop is in G-town if I should require anything. The food was good, and the drinks were better, but I missed my baby. I am at  home with her all day everyday, and honestly sometimes I want to breathe for an hour or two, but a whole half of day is a long period of time for me. I enjoy seeing her smile, and holding, kissing her, and watching her little moods. I enjoy being a mother, it is not a chore to me and I prayed to God that if He had ever given me the opportunity to have a child I would cherish it, and I do. I love it, she amazes me. She is such a happy little girl unless you don't fed her on time...lol. I was made for this, motherhood is the best thing I have done in my life thus far.  I'm going to kiss my little pee pee pot Good Night, and go to bed.