Early Morning Rant

Most of the time I get on this thing and I write about what is troubling me at the moment in time, and I don't re-read it often. This "blog" or rather on-line journal serves as means for me to vent my frustrations exactly how I feel in the language I feel without judgement, sort of like a written prayer, exactly like a written prayer. I can't hold my feelings in, and I have to be 100% honest. I have to be, or I am wasting my time, and I realize that anyone out there reading this, may think that I am a bitch dwelling on the negative, and that I need to move forward. And that may be true, to an extent, because rarely do I write what I am thankful for, and if anyone truly knew me, before, I was the poster child for positive thinking, and at times I still am. And I am not making excuses, but when people are hurt, depending on how deeply, it takes time for that to heal, it's not like the movies where you can fast forward to three years later, and boom, back to happy again. You have to live through every second of that healing. So some days I feel great, well most days I feel great, there are times when people don't feel like hearing, about my hurt feelings again and I know this, as everyone has their own battles. I am human, yes I am a Christian, but no I am not perfect, and it is so easy to be angry, and dwell in it. Sometimes my self pep talk goes something like this "Girl, that nigga is gone, and never coming back. He is not sorry, he didn't care about anyone but himself to begin with, why are you wasting time thinking about this guy, praying for this guy. He left you pregnant, screwed the office slut (as that tacky bitch was posting shit all on facebook), and God knows who else, left the country never called to check on you while you were pregnant, after you had the child, denied you, denied his own child. He tried to convince you to abort her, because he knew that he was promised to marry someone else. When all you did was let him in, cared for him, be there when he needed you. He has other bastard children, so this is not his first time doing this. Maybe somewhere in his culture this behavior is acceptable.  You did nothing wrong, get your shit together. You have a beautiful healthy happy daughter, you have a career, get back on track  because right now she has only you to depend on. You can shoot him in the knee caps later, if you still feel he even worth the cheap ass bullets or the two seconds of your time it would take to pull the trigger. Yeah, you fucked up by letting that nigga in, but never again, not in your life, and definitely not in her life, he is dead to you, there are an estimated 7 billion people in the world, another man will surely come your way. Someone better, now get it together. Go clean yourself  up , stop listening to that sad R&B shit, and get out of this house." I laugh now, but when I am feeling down, my those are my thoughts. But the one thing that stuck out, was that my daughter is beautiful, and she is, she makes me laugh everyday, and she is worth it. Sometimes I think of how my life would have turned out if I did get that abortion, I would have had a lot more money, but I just could not have that on my conscience. I am not a child, that was raped, or that didn't know what I was doing. We were two adults fucking (he would dress it up and say making love), unprotected, on several occasions, and as a result we made "my love".  It will all turn out for the good though, I believe that, Roman 8:28 tells me so.