Labeling

Today, I accompanied my sister in law to a meeting about my six year old nephew and his "behavior problems", there was a social worker, child psychologist, special education teacher, counsellor, his primary teacher, speech therapist, and one random teacher, all women. I was there for observation purposes, and to be the "level head" in the room just in case in the event my sister in law lost her temper. At the end the meeting it was my conclusion that they were attempting to label my nephew rather than help him, and I suggested transferring him to a school that's better equip to handle a six year old child without prescriptive drugs, and that can stimulate his interest, and hold his attention. He needed to be mentored by, and be encouraged by positive adult black males outside of the home. I didn't see one black MALE teacher in the school, and I didn't agree with the "observe, take notes, label, and ship him off to special education" approach. But, I do agree with how, my family and my sister in law's family are banding together to support my nephew. Not just talking, but actively, searching for an alternative to make sure that he has every opportunity to receive a quality education, so that he may become a responsible, well educated black man. And that's why I don't want to move from here, because of that family support. I need that for my child as well. Every time I think about moving again, for a job, I think about the well being of my daughter. If I move us, sure I will be earning money, but who do I have to depend upon if there's an emergency, and I didn't have behavior issues growing up, but I also came from a two parent home. And I even though environment does play a large factor, some people don't believe it genetics also are a factor, but being as though her father is stubborn as hell now, I can only imagine how he was as a child, so I am not sure what my little princess will be like as she matures. But, then again, that's what faith is for, I believe that whatever happens everything will work out, but that still doesn't mean that I don't think about these things. Also, I thought about sending her to private school, but the cost of that is ridiculous, however, if I feel that the quality of education is better then I will work and send her, but it is my fear that she will become spoiled and become like her father, and expect that it is my duty to take care of her well into adulthood, but I think that since I know what it is like to work, and fail, and pray and earn, I will teach her the same values, and try not to be too harsh, but I also think that it is important for her to travel, to see third world countries, so that she will understand just how fortunate she is. I hate mission trips, I am a fan of running water, and deodorant, and organized traffic flow, but I am also a fan of people that understand the true meaning of  happiness and gratefulness, and humility, people that know that true wealth doesn't lie in material things. I will do my best to try to expose her to as much as possible before sending her out into the world.

Little Girl.......

So when I was pregnant, I was so angry. I mean to the point, that I had to move to keep myself from losing my daughter, and to prevent me from going to jail for attempted murder (lol)...I laugh now, but the thought crossed my mind more than twice, those hormones are no joke, plus I wanted to have my child with my friends and family with in close distance. I remember when she was in the womb and I was upset, she would move around and kick, just to remind me to either calm down or go to sleep, and as soon as I did, she would relax. Emotional is too weak of a word to describe my mental state while pregnant, I was talking with my assistant, and I had to apologize to him for my behavior during my pregnancy, I almost made him (a grown man) cry on a couple of occasions, but it was not him I was angry with. I was nasty towards him and others. My mother, father, and brothers told me that I was down right mean during my pregnancy. I try to stay to myself as much as possible when I get in my angry mood, but when living with family that's next to impossible. So now my beautiful girl is here, and of course she looks like him, but acts like me. I should have named her Stubborn Mean. Because she is....I think it is okay, because I am the same way, if it is not funny she will not laugh, she will look away if she is not interested, and if she doesn't want it, especially food, she will spit it out, then say a couple of baby words, and give this look. It makes me laugh. I don't do  "baby talk", but I will talk to her like she can understand, that way she can pick on the language quickly. I'm surprised that she can say "da-da" already, six months is early, but she is a little sponge ( of course my mother taught her that, because if  it was up to me it would have been ANY other word, but at least she talking so that's all that matters), so I have to be very careful what I say, watch and listen to, and since she is with me  23 hours out of the day, I have control over what she is exposed to. So it is for the most part whatever I say (family says), and a healthy tv diet of Disney Jr, and in the car either Gospel Music ,  1960-1990's  R&B LOVE (not sex) songs, Sermons....(I listen everyday because I don't go to church like I should) News radio, classical, and some pop (I like Ne-yo especially that let me love you song, and the thump of club music when I am sleepy, Bruno mars) she seems to like that too, but none of that 36Mafia mess, bands will make her dance...What the hell?, And the other day I heard this "Gold all in my watch, song" I am getting old, because I can't believe people that call that mess music, it seems the more foolish, the more play it gets. Back to my point, she has a personality, sassy, but I am at the point now where I have the patience, and understanding to tolerate it, and mold her into a young lady( she already crosses her legs at the ankle, it's so cute, she can bearly sit up, but she crosses those legs when she does, and I have to remember that I do the same, even now while I am typing this my legs are crossed at the ankles..lol), we may come to blows during those teenage years, but I will remind her that she may have a daughter one day, and I will not babysit....lol. I figure as long as I teach her to be a responsible, respectable, clean (there is nothing worse than a junkie, nasty woman), kind and loving person then my job as a parent is done. She is, and will remain to be  very fortunate, but not spoiled.  I don't spare that rod. Well my bundle of joy, laughs, and stubbornness is fast asleep, and I should take advantage of this time and do the same.

Whatever happened to my first love

Unlike most girls, I actually waited until I was in college and over 18 yrs old before having a boyfriend. I was so focused on getting out of my parents house, and since it was made clear that if I didn't get a scholarship (full), that I would be footing the bill through loans or working. I still worked part time, just to keep me out of trouble, and for pocket change, but I was so focused on achieving my goals that I didn't have time to pay attention to my hormones. So, once I was in college, I was focused but even with the part time job(s), I still had plenty of time, so I would spend it with a friend. I wasn't too romantic, and I was really straight forward. So after spending days and nights chatting on the phone, and once I felt myself developing feelings  for my then friend, I popped the question "So, when are we going to smash?" just in the middle of the conversation. I laugh now, but I was so serious. I didn't have some oh it has to be special fantasy. I was thinking no one wants to have sex with a virgin, so let's just get this out of the way, so that we can live our young college lives. It was like a job, and I needed experience on my resume. I look back, and honestly I thank God that at least we were friends first, and I have some funny, loving non-sexual memories. I think my favorite thing was watching tv together (reruns of Martin), I used to complain about wanting to go out all of the time ( I couldn't sit still), and he would tell me to just relax because after college was over it would be all about work, and there would be no time to just relax for a majority of the day (he was right), but of course he would be footing the bill also, lol. So that was another reason, but what I liked about him is that he never even assumed that I would pay for anything, even though, I was on scholarship and had a couple of part time jobs, he always took care of everything. But, I would treat him (well), every now and then, just to show my appreciation. I remember one time, my friend was leaving her townhouse to go on a vacation somewhere. It was summer break,(this was the only summer, I didn't have some program planned), so of course I asked her to house sit, she knew he and I were an item, her request was to just have everything cleaned before she returned. He lived in NY, I lived in DC, her house was in Baltimore. So I stocked the house with food, drink, and sticky icky, he was complaining because he was having problems with his car, I remember telling him to just get there, and he got on a bus (he hates buses) and came. It was the BEST, and I knew that he hadn't been with anyone else, not even himself (ha ha ha). It was like a week long honeymoon, I would cook and clean (I didn't mind), because going out took up too much time in between sessions, and he would roll, lite, pass, relax, go to work, then we would eat and pass out, wake up and do it all over again. Oh to be young, dumb and in love....lol. Eventually, we graduated, and he ended up going into the Army, and I into the Navy, I remember getting those "boot camp" letters and being so excited. He joined first, so he would sent me letters of his experiences, he even called, he used to go into the bathroom to sneak and call me...lol, and I remember he got caught, I have never heard so much yelling in all my life....lol, he was nicknamed "Mr. Telephone Man" after that. I was in graduate school at the time, he would send me gifts, and I would workout like a mad person, just so I would be ready for his return. He sent me this lace see- through dress with a thong (I told him to pick out something he and I would like from VS), and it was nice sexy not too slutty, he was going to be the only one to see it anyway. I was so in love with him, today I don't even where lingerie, let along a thong. It is comfortable granny panties all the way :), but if I meet the right person, and I feel they are worth the effort, then I might bring out my A game. The highest it has been over the years is B+, but I'm thinking the next person, might get my A game, not for them but to prove to myself I still got it....but I wonder whatever happen to him. He went to Korea for a couple of years, and came back a different person (on all these anti-depressants) we lost touch after that, but at least I still have some good memories that make me smile.

Peace or Apathy

Today, baby said her first word, of course it would have to be da da, but at least she looked at my father and said it. I was surprised, because it seems as though it is way too soon, but she is ahead of the average children her age anyway. She doesn't want to crawl, but would rather you stand her up, and attempts to walk. I really can't blame her, she is around adults all day. Either me or my parents, so she wants to imitate what she sees. My family jokes that she is getting out of the way to make room for another child, but I'm not having sex any time soon, and I have found that to be 100% effective as a method for birth control. Also, I am not doing anything that would attract the opposite sex, I'm fatter (me plus the extra baby weight). I refuse to wear make up, my "mom uniform" consist of yoga pants a tee shirt and a hoodie and either crocs or sneakers and honestly I try to give off a leave me alone, I'm a broke single mother, that doesn't want to bothered by you if you don't have any cash vibe. And even after all that, men still want to flirt, and I think to myself, "Really?!, ain't nobody got time for that"....lol. But, truth is I don't have time for that. I applied to yet another job, and this one was heaven sent, it is a 4 year contract position in the area ( so I wouldn't have to move too far), and after the interview I was the only candidate, but being as though Congress and the President can't seem to agree on financial issues the position was put on "hold", I wasn't finished with the book like application, but given a week, and I would have been. I am not going to lose hope and complete the application so if by chance the position opens up everything will be in place, but I'm going to start to look for jobs in the rotten apple, it is even colder there than here, but at least I can work there like yesterday, it is no place to raise a child, but with my bills that keep coming every month, my dwindling savings, and with surprise bills like medical bills that my insurance didn't pay, VA benefits over payment (which now have to be repaid) , and the (large) federal tax bill that will be due in April, I need a miracle Lord, because I don't have it right now. And when the tax guy called and said that I can pay him whenever, I knew I was in bad shape, I had to sit and think, what am I going to do? I cried a little, my mom said well just pray, and I was a little angry because I have been praying, God knows that what I need, before I need it (well at least that's what I have been told) so why waste my time asking for it, or telling Him what I need. He knows, so when the man called to give me the news that position I am applying for is on hold, I was like well I will continue to complete the application and if it happens great if not, I don't care. I will just have to suck it up and move to a filthy city and make enough money so that I will never have to be in this position again. I was thinking what else? From the time I have gotten pregnant it has been crazy, but at the same time I smile at least once everyday, and the end of the day we (my daughter and I) have the necessities, and I am not sure if I have been beaten down so much that I just don't give a damn anymore, or if this is the peace that surpasses all understanding, either way it is that it is...tomorrow is another day (in my Scarlett O'Hara Voice)

Turtle...

God never gives you more than you can bear, and I used to wonder why God would allow me to have a child that looks just like her father. Someone that didn't want her, who's not claiming her, basically someone who abandon her, but the thing is I don't love her any less, even though she looks like him, and acts like me, she is part of us both, and an individual as well. It was hard at first, and she is his twin (only cuter, I was worried that she would look like a troll, because him in a wig is not cute...lol), but she is my world. I am amazed everyday, because I honestly though that I could not have children, I wasn't trying to get pregnant, because in a previous relationship I did the exact opposite, we tried hard, and he told me that he would not marry me if I could not have children, and he didn't. He married someone else and they got pregnant around the same time I got pregnant, we are still friends, he tells me that my little girl should have been his daughter, and sometimes I wish we would have stayed together, but God had/has other plans.  Anyways, I love my daughter, so much, I am a mother, and we have fun together, and I hold her, and kiss her so much, that my mother tells me to stop, but she doesn't seem to mind. I believe that you can never love a child too much. I have become a pro at ignoring nonsense crying, and poop and baby vomit doesn't bother me. I know that I want to have one more, at least so she can have another sibling in the same household, but only if I get married first. If I don't, she will have to settle for a puppy. Also I want to get my fat sucked and tuck and my breast lifted after all of the babies. We will see. I didn't think I would ever stop being angry at her father for leaving, but as time goes on, I realize the only way I am keeping him present in my life , is by thinking about him, as I focus on raising my daughter, getting back to work, and planting some roots here, and all things positive in general,  the more he becomes just a memory with no feelings attached (a tool). And he made it easy by ignoring my request for a cordial relationship, and pretending as if he never knew me. I was hurt initially, but now I'm just numb. Like oh well, he has moved on, we will do the same. He used to talk about his ex-wife, and I remember thinking "Weren't they divorced five years ago, let it go, oh he must still love her" I am not ever going to talk about him to anyone, other than you, I believe if you talk about someone you are keeping their memory alive, and I don't think he deserves it. To say I don't think about him is a lie, but to keep living and re-living the past keeps me from moving forward. (I'm preaching to myself...lol). But it's getting easier, I'm moving on, slowly (like a turtle), but surely.

Now

It will never be like it was. I spend a lot of time thinking, sometimes so much that I have to put on some music (either jazz or classical, because neither one has vocals) just to quiet my thoughts. But, tonight was looking through some photos, and it came to mind that it that moment is gone. All we have is now, it can never be like it was, and it made me a little grateful that I didn't behave how I felt.

Sometimes the hardest and the best thing to do is remain as calm as you can, and be still. Say nothing, don't react to negative energy, and just to continue to do the right thing, no matter how much you feel like a sucker. There have been times when I wanted to shoot someone in the knee caps, but thank God I didn't act on that thought. Thank God I didn't show out, because then I was thinking about my future, and it has arrived, and I may not have an exciting drama filled story to tell, but I do know, that I am not in jail, lol, for doing something foolish, and I do know that crying is better for my soul than drinking or smoking, or lying to myself, and I do know that if I didn't go through all of those emotions in the past, I would not be a better (wiser, more compassionate) person today. 

Mate

Every now and then I have my moments when out of nowhere it seems that I am really emotional, and it is usually on a Sunday morning. Like today I was going to the grocery store, and listening to some R&B, and just suddenly I have this overwhelming feeling of sorrow, so I am driving and crying for a little bit, and then I manage to pull myself together, and continue with my day which consisted of cooking lunch and dinner for eight people, and cleaning in between, and watching my little one, and cleaning butts, and washing hands of my nieces and nephew. It was a busy day,and honestly after being in the house all week with just me and my daughter, I appreciated the company, and I didn't mind being busy because it helped the day past quicker. So, it was my labor of love. But, sometime during the day, while my baby was taking a nap before the children arrived, I had time to reflect on the week without the parents, and I felt this sense of longing. Then a thought came to mind, that when I begin to work, I am going to need help, the kind of help that is dependable. Then I begin to miss being in a relationship, I thought how nice it would be just to have someone to watch TV with, or how nice it would be to have someone to take the baby and give her a bath while I finished doing the dishes, and cleaning the kitchen. My friend is urging me to go on this on-line dating web-site, but I believe that God has to send the next man, and I am not going to search for him, or put on a show. He has to be able to love me just as I am right now. With me being unemployed, with my extra baby weight, with my ashy legs, and granny panties. And I say that because this is me right now, of course all of that can and will be changed, but if I know that he can look through all of that and still see beauty, and still love me deeply, then he is a candidate. I'm sure he is coming, In the midst of all of the company, I was just yearning for my mate, and it was not sexual in nature, it was a gut feeling. I'll give it time, he'll come along.

Age ain't nothing but a number

Let me start, by saying that I understand what Paul was talking about when he said it is good to remain unmarried, because a wife is concerned with the affairs of her husband, while a unmarried person is concerned about the affairs of the Lord. (I am paraphrasing). I am so sick and tired of  hearing about men that I don't know what to do. I  wonder if they sit around and talk about women all day. I would love to hear a man say something to the effect of " my clock is ticking, or I'm ready to settle down", lol. It is unlikely, because there is no shortage of females anywhere, and it is not until a man decides that he is ready, will he make that move. But, after all of the puppy love, and honeymoon wears off, I must ask; Do men really, I mean really choose wisely?  I know a lot of married couples, but I don't know alot of happily married couples. I hear wives complain about there husbands, but most of all I hear husbands complain about their wives, and the first thing out of my mouth, is : "Well you chose her/him." Her house, and car wasn't clean when you met her, so what makes you think that she is going to change, same with men. If I have learned anything, it is take your time and date and get to know the person, and make sure that you can live with them. Personally, if I have to feel self conscience about being myself (that means doing regular human things) in my mate's presence then that's not the person I need to be with. If the person is just nasty (meaning dirty) then I can't be with them, sorry. I like order. I like cleanliness. Those are just surface things... I remember this person I was dating was complaining that his ex-wife/baby mother, should just take the child support money and get his daughter a gift and tell the child it was from her father, and that he didn't have time to get a gift, because his job was transferring him. Now that would have been a valid excuse, if 1) we hadn't been sitting in the car for a couple of hours, just talking 2) if there wasn't a Toy 'R Us in the same shopping center where we were parked....I just thought this guy is not serious about his daughter at all, we could have gotten the toy, wrapped it up, had me drop it off at the nearest Post Office, and he could have written a "I'm sorry it's late, but daddy loves you anyway." note on it, instead of blaming the ex-wife, because he was angry that he had to pay her. Then I thought to myself that's his drama, and obviously he likes to make his life difficult. Poor child.

 I have a daughter and personally NOTHING or NO ONE will ever keep me from doing what I have to do to make sure she is taken care of, loved deeply, and happy. How can you let your own anger towards someone else keep you from at least trying to be the best parent you can be? I am soooooo happy that I don't have to deal with that drama. I was going to try to do the court room drama, but I'll pass. I was doing quite well, before I had my daughter, and she will be taken care with or without him. Child support is just that, for the child, and since he is not claiming her, nor did he even want her to exist, I am not expecting anything from him, and at first I thought it would be a sad situation, but my daughter is spared the heart ache, and I am spared the headache, not to mention the time, energy and money it would have taken to get that little bit of change. I didn't chase him from the start, and I am not going to start now. And when I look at my daughter, and I see how beautiful she is, I think that anyone who could walk away from her, deserves to stay away. Some may think I am silly for not making him "man up", but I explain to them, that I am woman, I can't teach him how to be a man, or when to be a man, that was his father's job...and obviously he didn't get, so he had to go home and let his father continue to teach him how, so maybe by the time he is 40 years old or like Steve Harvey 50 years old,he may get it but in the mean time, I have a daughter to raise, and I am the only adult parent that she has. She is my priority, responsibility, but most of all the love of my life

The little things...

So as I am sitting here waiting for my little princess to fall asleep ( she is kicking, smiling, and looking around), a sudden thought popped into my head. 14 years ago, damn where did the time go, I was in my dorm room having  one of those long new love conversations with my then boyfriend, see the college we attended didn't have co-ed dorms, and since I was on a scholarship, I had to stay in a dorm, why pay extra? So we where talking, talking, talking about what I don't remember, but my stomached growled, and I mentioned that I was hungry. So we finally ended our conversation, and he wanted me to come outside, now I recall it was the spring semester, so it was cold, I was thinking I know this negro doesn't think we are going to do something freaky out in the cold, but maybe he just wants to see me. If he wants to make out then we can do that, until I get too cold, then I'm going in for the night(morning). So, as I was walking up to the bridge (it is a bridge that crosses over a road that bisects the main campus from the rest of the campus, and the only dorm on main campus was the "smart-girls dorm")I see him standing there with a smirk on his face and a hot pizza in his hand. He gave the pizza to me, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and told me to go back inside (sweetly). Even though things didn't workout between he and I, I still remember that and it makes me smile....14 years later.

Unlimited Love

Sometimes I think it is funny that people try to hide anything anymore. Yeah, I know that is a little hypocritical coming from someone that writes an on-line journal without revealing any specific personal information, but I know that if anyone really wants to know how I am, a simple search is not hard to do. Anyone, anywhere in the world can be found, and I know for a fact that anything done in the dark will come be seen in the light, sooner or later, so why hide or lie? Nobody's perfect, and once you truly know that, it makes life easier. And it is easier to have mercy on one another. I was in the car at around noon, and everyday there is pastor that preaches on this radio station, and it just so happens that I am always in the car running an errand when he is on, and I can't seem to remember his name, but who he is irrelevant, he is a vessel. Anyway he explained that "Grace is when God gives us what we don't deserve, and mercy is when God doesn't give us what we do deserve." I remember I was having a conversation with a friend and he said that he shows people mercy because later on he will need someone to show him mercy, and I  remember telling him that he shouldn't be merciful with a selfish motive. I didn't quite know the scripture, to refer to at the time, but I later went to my Bible and wah-la (I know now I was being led), there it was " be merciful, because your Father in heaven is merciful" so basically show the God in you, by behaving like Him. It is true you reap what you sow, and you want to sow good seeds, but do it because you love doing it, because you want to please God (Who, by the way is the only One, you should be trying to please anyway),  because you love Him. And I  know when I truly love someone, if I have it, they have it, I think about them in a way in which I wouldn't want to do anything to cause (real) harm or embarrassment,  and I want to please that person, not because I'm in fear that not pleasing them will cause them to go away, but because it makes me happy to see them happy. I know people who are insecure, and  who don't understand will take advantage of that (been there, done that, got the t-shirt and the baby to match), but  the good thing is, that once you understand that there is no wrong in loving someone, it doesn't matter what they have done, are doing or will do. You just gave what was given to you (not necessarily from them, but throughout your life). Even though they may have taken the love you gave, once you know you have an unlimited source you will always have plenty to give, you can always recharge, and give it to someone who understands what it is , can appreciate it , and  who can reciprocate it. I have had a couple of major heartbreaks, the first time I was angry, and just gave that hurt to whoever was in my path, this time I was angry but instead of hurting others, I prayed, and cried, and prayed and cried, and moved, and prayed and cried, still praying, but whatever brings me closer to God, because really that's all that matters.

Human

I don't know why people think that just because you are a Christian that you are not human too. Yes, I know that we are to follow his example, and try to be Christ-like. Yes, I know that when you are born again, that you are to "put off your old ways" and allow yourself to be filled and led by the Holy Spirit. I read my bible, not as often as I used too, but I have read it so much, that I have in me, so I remember it, well parts of it. That still doesn't mean that I am perfect, for if I was there would be no need for me to be here. I still fall short. I still ask for forgiveness. I have a sharp tongue, and I tend to be unforgiving, I love sex, and I am not married. There are times I wish I would have married my first, because he wanted to just for sex, so it would be right in the eyes of the Lord, but at the time I couldn't see myself getting married to someone just because the sex was good, plus we were really young and in college, and he didn't have a plan, I didn't want to be married to someone that had no idea of he was going to do with his life, especially since I had a plan for mine, plus cheating on me with my best friend crushed me, I have never trusted anyone the way I trusted him. Anyways,. I felt that we were not equally yoked spiritually. That's important to me, good sex is great, but after those minutes are up, you have live with this person, and if they don't believe in what you do, that is a recipe for a living hell. Plus if a man, can't humble himself before God, that means that he will have problems leading, and have a God complex himself, and I like confident, sometimes boarder line cocky men, but there's comes a time when you have to fall back and understand that there's Someone greater than you, that you must yield to for your own good, and for the good of your family. That doesn't mean that you will be perfect, but you have to draw the line, yes I understand that sin is sin. But, because you are guilty of one sin, that doesn't make it okay to commit a multitude of sin. For example, when I discovered I was pregnant, my child's father couldn't understand, how I thought it was okay to have sex before marriage, and a baby out of wedlock, and not okay to get an abortion. Actually none if it is okay, however, he and I had sex numerous times prior to me getting pregnant, and we discussed the what ifs, and I told him on more than a couple of times that I didn't believe in abortions, because pregnancies are preventable. And since, I had be taken pre-cautions, it wasn't an issue, until I got pregnant. And I am doing what I said I was going to , taking care of my child. The way I see it is, God has given me a child. Not the way I wanted, but I wasn't being obedient, so I deal with the consequences of my actions. It's not easy, but I couldn't have lived with myself, if I had gotten one, some women can, I can't kill my babies, especially since I didn't think I could have any. But, I don't judge, I am human, I am not going to get it right all of the time. That's why God is there, that's why Jesus died,  because God knew that about me and everyone. That doesn't mean that there are not expectations, and that I am not suppose to try, or that I should give up, or that I shouldn't repent, when I am truly remorseful, or that I shouldn't ask for mercy or guidance from the Holy Spirit. It does mean that I must understand that others are human too, that I should forgive (working on that), and just love one another. If people just love one another, show some compassion, say a sincere encouraging, kind word, and be honest with one another this world would be better off. NO Human being on this earth is perfect....no not even me.

This sounds silly but it works....

So yesterday I made the decision to be happy, and to stop focusing (meditating, obsessively thinking about) the past events that make me upset, or situations I can't control. It is something that I have to make a conscience effort to do, I have to say to myself stop thinking about that, there is nothing you can do to change the outcome, focus on what you can do right now today to either make sure it doesn't happen again, or make your life better so it will not happen again. I am meditating, not like humming or anything like that, while the child is asleep, I  just sit quietly, close my eyes, and take deep breaths, sometimes I may focus on a scripture, sometimes I go to my happy place, (always a beach with white sand, and blue water), sometimes I just sit in His presence, it is more like a prayer without words, it calms me so. I have spent so much time being angry, I just decided it is time to let it go. It has been over, and this anger this hurt is only consuming me. Yes I have a daughter, yes I am a single mother, yes she looks like her father, but she is healthy, she is happy, she is loved and well taken care of. All is well. No one can tell you, how or when to do it, you just have to make up your mind to do it. I realize that my daughter only has one parent in her life, and I have to be healthy, spiritually, mentally, and physically for her and for myself, and holding on to that resentment is not healthy. I think that it is better for a child to have two happy parents that are separated, than to have two miserable parents that are together. And I can't speak for him, but I have to be happy or at least at peace, I am the example, that she will follow. And even though I never thought I would be a single parent, I know I am not going to be the type to give the "your daddy ain't shit" speech to my child. Knowing me I will be in a stable, loving relationship soon, and he (whoever he is) will be a great father, so there will be no need for that, it probably will be more like "your biological father, was not prepared to be a father mentally, emotionally, nor financially when you were made, so he left to get himself together. I'm not sure if he ever did (ha ha ha) as he nor his family has contacted us since, but (insert husband's name here) was ready to take on a responsibility that wasn't his own, and is your father. He has been here with, and for you since (insert year here), and he has loved both you and me unconditionally. Now, if you want to know who your biological father is this is his name, address, telephone number, but baby he hasn't been very nice, and I don't want you get hurt in trying to contact him, but if you want to know, here is the information, money, airline ticket, etc..., I'm not sure if he has another family or what, life goes on, but if you talk to him and he is unkind and he hurts your feelings let me and (insert husband's name here) we'll will take care of it." As you can see, I have given this much thought, I think that will be a better way to explain the situation. I hope she understands. Well it will be awhile before I have to give this speech, but at least I have thought about what I will say if and when she ask. Until then I'll just breathe and be happy, hell even then I'll continue to be happy...