Turtle...

God never gives you more than you can bear, and I used to wonder why God would allow me to have a child that looks just like her father. Someone that didn't want her, who's not claiming her, basically someone who abandon her, but the thing is I don't love her any less, even though she looks like him, and acts like me, she is part of us both, and an individual as well. It was hard at first, and she is his twin (only cuter, I was worried that she would look like a troll, because him in a wig is not cute...lol), but she is my world. I am amazed everyday, because I honestly though that I could not have children, I wasn't trying to get pregnant, because in a previous relationship I did the exact opposite, we tried hard, and he told me that he would not marry me if I could not have children, and he didn't. He married someone else and they got pregnant around the same time I got pregnant, we are still friends, he tells me that my little girl should have been his daughter, and sometimes I wish we would have stayed together, but God had/has other plans.  Anyways, I love my daughter, so much, I am a mother, and we have fun together, and I hold her, and kiss her so much, that my mother tells me to stop, but she doesn't seem to mind. I believe that you can never love a child too much. I have become a pro at ignoring nonsense crying, and poop and baby vomit doesn't bother me. I know that I want to have one more, at least so she can have another sibling in the same household, but only if I get married first. If I don't, she will have to settle for a puppy. Also I want to get my fat sucked and tuck and my breast lifted after all of the babies. We will see. I didn't think I would ever stop being angry at her father for leaving, but as time goes on, I realize the only way I am keeping him present in my life , is by thinking about him, as I focus on raising my daughter, getting back to work, and planting some roots here, and all things positive in general,  the more he becomes just a memory with no feelings attached (a tool). And he made it easy by ignoring my request for a cordial relationship, and pretending as if he never knew me. I was hurt initially, but now I'm just numb. Like oh well, he has moved on, we will do the same. He used to talk about his ex-wife, and I remember thinking "Weren't they divorced five years ago, let it go, oh he must still love her" I am not ever going to talk about him to anyone, other than you, I believe if you talk about someone you are keeping their memory alive, and I don't think he deserves it. To say I don't think about him is a lie, but to keep living and re-living the past keeps me from moving forward. (I'm preaching to myself...lol). But it's getting easier, I'm moving on, slowly (like a turtle), but surely.