Mommy blues

I was so excited last night as my little princess slept in her room all by herself all night. I slept well, but I think that she slept better. I arose a couple of times just to check on her, and she was in a deep sleep. I missed her body heat in the bed with me, but I didn't miss being kicking it the ribs, or side or waking up to pull her back from the edge of the bed. I realized that I haven't been in my bed (my king size bed) alone for two years.  It is cold and I felt lonely. I talked to a friend of mine and she is scheduled to get married around the first week of October (I am looking forward to going to Miami, more than the wedding...lol), she jokes that I will probably be married before her, and I laugh because I know where I am with men (trust on E) and looking at the prospects in the area, I have a greater chance at winning both the Mega Millions and Power Ball jackpots in the same week, than getting married before she, does. But, it is lonely at night, and even though I am completely emotionally unavailable,my flesh is not dead. I promised God, that the next man to be in our (because we are a package) lives He would have to choose, because obviously I have done a poor job choosing on my own thus far. So I will have to endure a cold bed until He says otherwise, but I can be enthusiastic about what God has in store for us.

Hell hath no fury....

Have you ever been so angry at someone that you fantasized about hurting them, not to the point of death or permanent disfigurement, but just enough for them to experience severe physical pain and suffering, and to see them cry out in pure unadulterated agony, so they can understand the emotional pain and suffering they have inflicted upon you? Maybe filling their chest with rock salt with a shot gun, or stripping them naked, tying them up, placing hundreds of small paper cuts throughout their body, then dousing them with rubbing alcohol, or tassering them at regular intervals, or breaking their pinky toes, all the awhile not saying a word, until they say they are sorry. Some people seem to think that I am psycho, but if you think someone is mentally ill, then why on earth would you piss them off? I am not psycho, I am very sane, I know that I can not do these things without suffering the consequences of my actions, and I have too much to lose. So, I do the Christ-like alternative and lean on the promises of God (Romans 12:19), for I know this to be true, you reap what you sow...and I try my best to sow seeds of love, righteousness, and forgiveness....but sometimes people just want to take you to that ugly place. Good for them, I try to walk in the light..

Hold the bull...please...Give it to me straight

As I am approaching my two year celibacy mark, I am pretty much disgusted by men in general. I am not a homosexual, more like an asexual...lol. I am not interest at ALL. Maybe one day I will be again, but there is always the consequences of my actions that turn me completely off. If I even fantasize, the reality of being a single mom of two, or worse getting a deadly STD, brings me right back to the real world. Sure both can be prevented by using a condom, but I am not going to share myself with anyone that's not willing to stick around. I am just tired of the bullshit, and lies. All for a quick thrill, well with me , as B. B. King put it, the thrill is gone. This cooch is as dry as Sahara Desert.

Forward

I thought I had an idea, what I wanted to write about, but there are no concrete thoughts coming to mind. I am grateful, for everything, finally moving out on our own. It has been a lot of work, but I do it all gratefully. I wake up, thankful, and go to sleep  giving thanks to God for answering my prayers with a yes. My baby (little ol' lady) keeps me smiling, I am happy that I had the one and a half year to spend with her without having to work. She is so smart, she learns really fast, so I am aware of my actions, and words. She loves music any type, she dances to it all, but I can tell she is going to be two handfuls because she is stubborn, and spankings don't seem to effect her at all, but time out works.  We have fun, just the two of us. Since we moved out, I worry about her not having a father  ( or an earthly father figure in her life), and honestly I have no desire to be in a relationship with anyone, and there are so many sick people out there, I would not want to have to go to jail for murdering anyone that would cause her harm. So, I pray about that a lot. It would be nice if her biological father would get involved, but I am not going to hold my breathe waiting for him to do anything. It is quiet here and the people are nice. I enjoy looking at the mountains, farms, and animals. The little ol' lady is adjusting well at daycare, the job is good, and I can save some money and live peacefully and take a yearly vacation with my child to some place nice. Finally, moving forward. Thank God.

Fast Forward

I am so thankful that God answered my prayer. There once was a time, when I begged God to fast forward me to a time where I didn't have to experience the pain of a broken heart, and rejection. When I can look at a picture of the one(s) who hurt me without having an ill feeling toward them. A time in which I could accept the past even if I didn't understand it. Well that time is now, and gratitude is too small a word to express what I am feeling, but it will have to do. Praise the Lord, I can only hope that I have learned my lesson.

Not boring, focused....

It has been awhile since I have written in my on-line journal. I have been busy, so when I have a quiet moment I would rather free my mind than concentrate on focusing my thoughts to write. My little girl is a year old, I have gone on several job interviews, turned down a few jobs, and I am pretty sure, I am over my fear of moving again. I feel as though the longer I sit here, that I am not moving forward. My family calls me an "old woman", but if I can't see a clear purpose of doing something I don't do it. Yes, I admit I like to go to bed early and wake up with the sun. My sister in law was complaining that I am boring, that I don't have sex, and that I don't drink anymore. I don't see the purpose of each at the moment, neither is going to help me achieve my present goals, they will only add more confusion to my already complicated life. I can live without both. I have what seems to me, a mountain of debt, I need to move, I need to start working in a stable career environment, begin to save college money for my daughter, write a will, get life insurance, sell my house, pay my lawyer to begin and quickly end this custody/child support issue. Sometimes, I want the company of a man, but I can't see myself wasting time and energy on someone who is not worthy of either, and then I have a pretty little girl to protect. There are a lot of perverts out there. I can honestly say, that if the next guy is not a God fearing, good, honest, decent man, I will not turn the other cheek, and it will end in tragedy. So in my volatile state, I choose to avoid all deep interpersonal and shallow physical relationships with men. It's too risky, and I can't afford to gamble with my feelings or my sanity. I may not have a chance to win, but I definitely will not lose. Well, let me go to sleep.....Good Nite All.

Separation

Today, I took my baby to daycare. This is the second day, but I think I am having a harder time than she is. She cried so much this morning, and I could tell yesterday, when I picked her up that she had been crying all day, she didn't even smile at me. I was excited yesterday, but I'll be going to work today  and will not see her until later on tonight. I feel sad. This is the beginning of a new chapter for us. Hopefully by next year, I will be financially prepared to move back down south, and finally plant some roots. I like the warm weather, and I love the beach, the sounds of the waves are soothing to me. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I went to Virginia Beach a couple of weeks ago. I am ready, at least to be on our own. I am not ready for a relationship, I don't trust men at all. Some man was flirting with me yesterday, and I just shut it down. My goals are to get financially staple, move, and stay in one place so I can raise my daughter to the best of my ability.  I communicated with daughter's father, to express my feelings on how I think it's irresponsible to be a dead-beat, and how hurt I was, and even after a year plus, how angry I still am, and of course according to him everything I say is bullshit, and I am delusional. He stated that he did nothing wrong, and everything was a figment of my imagination.  Our daughter, is not a child, she is "my decision". Then I realized that if he thinks nothing is wrong with making a child, then not taking any responsibility for his actions, then it doesn't matter how angry I am with him, or how many times I tell him. Nothing I say, is going to make a difference. I have to deal with my feelings, and raise our daughter. She is a beautiful, smart, little girl, she looks just like him, even though he refuses to claim her. Well, after this month of working I will have enough money to pay my lawyer, so since he is doesn't care, hopefully I will get my full custody, and child support without any fight from him. I wish it didn't have to be like this, but oh well. Once, everything is on paper, I'll take my daughter, and we will go have our nice lives together on the beach....I miss my baby. Let me go busy myself, so that I will not have to think about it.

Nothing Better....

Lately I have been so pre-occupied with trying to find a job, and finally getting it together that I have really been too tired to write anything. I would think about it but by the time thought would come into my mind I would be asleep. I have this yearning to move to a coast, any coast as long as I am close to the water. The thing I have to do first is stack my money, I have temp job coming up so I plan to make the most of it, and in the mean time still search for permanent employment. I finally found a church that I like enough to attend on a regular basis. By, 2014 I will be on my way to establishing a home for me and baby girl. I am learning to let people and their crap go. I still get upset with my sperm donor at the beginning of every month, but I am truly starting to believe that the anger I am able to suppress surfaces with the cycling of my hormones, and I start my pill soon, so I will see how that goes. I know time and prayer will help also, because I can't ignore it, my daughter is looking more and more like him everyday. I don't feel I properly expressed my anger, I should have acted out, at least a little, nasty e-mails didn't get it. Once I start working, and working out consistently, and finally open myself up to start dating again, I will forgive and forget. Honestly, I just want to move somewhere and start over. New place, new job, new people, just me and my daughter and happy days. Nothing would better than that right now...

Proud Mama

Tomorrow is Father's Day, and I have decided that instead of being bitter about my situation, I am going to appreciate my father, and all that he does for the both of us (me and my daughter).  This time last year I was very pregnant and preparing to have a baby shower, now my little girl is trying to walk, she is finally saying "ma ma" daily (and I try to answer her so she understands that's who I am), and she is just growing so fast, I am so happy that I have been given this time by God to spend with her ( I did complain some of the time), it is difficult to explain how much I love her, all of her. She looks so much like her father it is ridiculous, especially when she smiles, and she smiles a lot, and even though some people can, I can't hate him and love all of  her, because he is a part of her  no matter how much he denies it.  It is difficult at times, but I remind myself that she is a product of both of us, she has my big head shape, and attitude, so I am sure we will bump heads in the future (no pun intended), but hopefully by then she will forgive as quickly as I am learning to. I look her every day and I am amazed that she is growing and learning so quickly, on Thursday she was hitting my arm with her little hand, and I told her to stop, and she mimicked me saying stop the best way she could, so I repeated myself for about five times, and she repeated me every time. She loves the ABC song, and the itsy bitsy spider song, and she dances anytime she hears any music. It is all so amazing and cute to me. The other day we were in the car, and she was crying I turned on Bobby Brown, and I am a fan of Bobby Brown's music from the early 90's so of course I was singing along, and she did her little dance, and the tears stopped, all I could do was smile.

Disconnected

Some days I feel so disconnected from the rest of  the world, and even God. I feel guilty for being who I am, if that makes sense. I enjoy when my child is asleep, so I can have some me time. I love her, but some times I need a break. My hormones seem to have kicked into over drive, and I have no outlet, because I am afraid to connect with anyone in this area, there are so many jerks, closet homos, and just weird men out there. I wish prostitution was legal, to be rid of the headache and the drama and the bull that come with men, I would pay for the fantasy, get my release, and continue on with my life. Then there is the guilt that comes along with my religion for joining myself with a prostitute, and how can I ask for forgiveness if I am not remorseful?  I don't think I would even have time to think about this, if I was working. I feel like I am stuck in limbo, waiting for the next big thing......the turning point....maybe I am thinking too much. Maybe I should just surrender my mind and watch some mind numbing television until, I am brainwashed to believe what I see, and I can think about trivia items that will not change the world, but keep me entertained until, I choose to use my mind, if I choose to use my mind again....lol. I don't know, let me go to sleep..

Night Thoughts...

After awhile people fall away, if they can't use you, or have your life to chat about instead of theirs, given time they just fade away, even in the age of social media, if you have a true friend then occasionally they may call or visit with nothing on but a kind word, and maybe a joke or two then back to their lives. The older I get, the more I don't mind being with myself  (and Holy Spirit). My daughter makes me laugh a lot. I am sure she doesn't understand what she is doing, but she laughs because I laugh, and I spend a majority of time with her, so to me its important that she laughs as much as possible, life has enough sorrows ahead. She is my number one fan. I was thinking that I wanted another child, but I am fine with just her. I am blessed to have her, I wasn't sure if I could have any children at all. After looking at daycare cost, and all that is to come, and I really can't truly depend on people, my parents are older, and they will baby sit, but they get tired too, one is enough for me. I realize that she may be spoiled ,but I don't need to have another child to assure that she will not be selfish, I just have to teach her by example which will be difficult as I like things my way myself, but I will try my best.

Valley

There have been times when explaining my situation to people, I refer to this period of my life as a valley. And in terms of moving home, having a child, not working, to some it would seem as if it is a low point, at times to me it seems like I am doing nothing (which couldn't be further from the truth), but this world would have you believe that if you are not earning money, or becoming "something" then you are wasting your time. Then something clicked, the valley is where there is nourishment. I looked at pictures, and there is usually a river, so there is a source of life, replenishing, renewing. The valley is a place of protection from the harsh elements, the top of the mountain is a rough journey, the air is then, the journey to get to the top is a difficult one, and at times a lonely one, and it's cold. The view is nice, but what else is there, but a view.

Priorities

When I lived in my old house, I had this goal board in my room. It had pictures of goals which I hoped to accomplish without a specific timeline. I cut out pictures of houses, wrote on a bill of money the amount of money I hoped to obtain, I drew a stick figures of my husband and child with a suitcase, symbolizing a man without baggage, and I drew an airplane symbolizing my desire to travel. In the corner I had three top properties, the first was and still is spiritual growth, the second, I believe was educational, and the third I can not remember, lol.  Still working on the house, the money, the travel, I should have drawn an x thru the suitcase, because I attract men with full luggage sets of baggage ....lol. I do have my beautiful baby girl, who no matter how I feel makes me smile every day, and I have discovered I have so much patience now, and I understand so much more than I did before.  If it is God's will, I will have a husband, but at the moment my heart is hardened towards men. I attempted the on line dating, but it's not what I want to devote any of my time to right  now, I'm still angry, I'm disguised with people in general. That doesn't mean I have a bad attitude. I just have no faith or trust in them at all. I pray about that all of the time, in time I will again. I prayed that God help me to grow spiritually, and in order to grow sometimes things and people have to be taken away. It's difficult, but not impossible, I used to read my bible all of the time, and should read it more, but I discovered that it stuck. I know it, I understand it more. Now, if I could just learn to forgive, but I figure as long as I don't stop trying one day I will learn how to forgive people quickly.

Country girl at heart

So today I went to my dear friend's baby shower. I didn't stay long because some genius thought it would be a great idea to have it outside in 90 degree weather. My friend and her fiancée are West Indian, and the food was good, but somebody burnt the "peas" in the rice and peas, but it has been a while since I had some roti, oh it was so good. I didn't eat much because the food sits in your stomach like a bowling ball, so you don't have to eat much, anyways I love her grandparents they are so nice, and this time they were really talkative, the last time they were really quiet. But, there's something about a man with a white beard and a smile that demands respect. I just like groomed facial hair in general, it looks good to me, so I tell my daddy not to cut his goatee off. It seems my daughter likes it too, when he holds her that is the first thing she touches, (my poor baby has a fine mustache of her own and she hasn't even hit puberty yet, lol, she is going to be so hairy okay for a guy not so for a girl ). Anyway the party was okay, but I have been so isolated that it was too much for me. I am not a social butterfly, I pleaded with my mother not give me a baby shower, because while I was grateful to be pregnant, I wasn't happy and I didn't want to answer any questions, I didn't want the attention. I just wanted to go the store pick out the stuff and come home and prepare. However, my mother wanted it, so that's what she did, and it was really nice, I smiled for the camera, there were some haters there to eat, but that was my last appearance there, in that town so, I don't feel so bad about it. As I grow older I don't want to be bothered with a lot of people.  I know that I don't want to live in a planned community, with cookie cutter houses and home owner association fees, I would rather like to live in a place where my neighbors are at least one half mile away on all sides. I like my peace and quiet. I don't want to be awaken by dogs, or loud ass cars, or loud music. I want space to plant a garden, and shade from trees. I am a country girl at heart, I am not into cows and horses, but I do like to sweep my front porch in the morning as the sun rises, and sip on iced tea as I watch it set. I really enjoy cooking my family meals especially when they appreciate it, I like the smell of clothes dried on the line in the sun and I like watermelon and fried chicken (I don't care about stereotypes). I am not old, but I know that cities have nothing to offer me, but hustle, bustle, and filth. If ( and that is a huge if), I ever get married, then it's going to be a small intimate affair, only immediate family, a meaningful ceremony with dinner to follow, then off to the honeymoon. Probably in the middle of the week, a Wednesday. No big party...with a dj and open bar, no drinking all night the night before, none of that, just a quick wedding, and hopefully a happy long marriage....with (our) house in the country.

Daddy's Girl

When I was a little girl, and my brothers and I would be mischievous, or if he was fed up with our noise, my father would raise his voice and out of fear, his tone would stop us in our tracks. Over time, my brothers would be afraid to ask him simple questions, for fear that he would say no, raise his voice, or both so of course they would send me. But, as I became an adult, he still raises his voice about little things, but it has no effect on me, and it is out of respect for who his is, that I obey. I know that no man is perfect, but this is my father, he is the only earthly one I have, and for me he has been there since I entered the world. Taken me to day care, dance classes, piano lesson, to the train station when my car was broken down and I had to get to work, taught me how to change a tire and check my oil levels...lol, endured my attitudes through my teenage, college, and adult years, and has been there for me with open arms since I came home knocked up, and is the only father my daughter has ever known, and is proud to be (I think he spoils her too much, but that's what grandparents do). Honestly, my father is a tell it like he feels kind of person, no filter at all, and at times I wish that he would have one, but I have learned to ignore what I don't want to hear, but for the most part when he is not telling stories to get laughs, he tells the truth. When I was growing up, I used to wish that he was more open with his feelings, and cut it out with this macho crap, but I have come to realize that he is not going to change, and that he is fine with who he is, and I am too.

Safe

When I was five years old, I remember going to school early. My sister walked me to my classroom and left me there, but when I opened the door, no one was there. I felt this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I felt it in the pit of my stomach, and I begin to just cry. It was so strong that over twenty years later, and I can still clearly recall how I felt as I stood there in the center of my kindergarten classroom. Sometimes I feel that feeling creep up as I think about moving out on my own again, this time with my daughter. Here with my parents I feel protected, and when I do sleep, the sleep is sound. I feel safe here, but it is time to be moving on. To be honest, when I lived alone before, other than the obvious physical reasons, that safe protected feeling was a huge factor in having my sperm donor over. Once we finally did get to sleep it was a sound sleep. For the night, I didn't have to listen out for my alarm to go off, or sleep lightly being disturbed by every little sound, or even take a drink to calm my nerves enough to fall asleep. Now, I am a Christian, and I would say a prayer, but it was nice to have someone there, even if they weren't in the same room. And when things didn't work out,  and I couldn't take a drink or a Benadryl, I would spend the night at a friends house, pregnant and uncomfortable on a cheap futon. I'm not sure what I am going to do when I move out of here. I know that no place is safe, but I have to choose a place with a low crime rate. If I could I would move into a retirement community. People there are living out their golden years, and don't have time for petty mess, and if they do they are too old to act on it.....lol. Plus it's quiet, and generally people are happy to be alive. I was thinking about this also, as I continue my dating efforts. I can't be out there too tough, people are crazy, and I don't need some crazy man stalking me or putting my daughter's life in danger, all because I wanted a cheap thrill. Everything I do directly effects her; she depends on me for everything, so I can't be out there, and not be extremely careful. I don't like dogs, so that is out, I am not sure if I should get a firearm, I might actually use it, which is why I didn't have one before I moved, I was licensed and had the money, but I didn't purchase one, which turned out to be a good idea especially during my pregnant moments of rage...lol.  But, for safety reasons, when I get out of here, I may go ahead and purchase one. Then I have to think about my busy body baby. She is trying to walk, and so soon, she is only 8 months, and crawling, and is a menace in that walker, it is only matter of a couple of weeks before she is walking without assistance. (I don't know why she is moving so fast, my parents and sis in law joke, that she is getting out of the way for a sibling, Well not on mom's end. One is all I can do as a single parent, and I don't see myself getting married anytime soon, and I am taking the necessary pre-cautions, as I know I can't get pregnant alone....lol). Anyway she is moving about, and you hear all too much about children having accidents, or taking the firearm to school. I don't know, once I move out I will see. Who knows, maybe my "Boaz" will show up, and this whole entry is a moot point? But, at least I think about it. It's nice to feel safe, if only for a brief moment you can let your guards down, and just rest.

Online dating...oh boy

So, as another summer begins, I was thinking it's about time for me to get out of my rut, and get back into the dating scene. I'm not looking for anything serious as I have too much on my plate already, so I decided to join a causal dating site, and even though, I was suppose to be searching for Mr. Right Now, most of the time I ended up laughing at the pictures. On my profile, I listed exactly what I was looking for, but from the responses I received I could see that the men did not read it. I am not going to delete my profile yet, but I am not going to spend too much time searching. Usually, I just go with the flow and let whoever come to me, and that has worked out great....lol. In my heart I believe that whoever will cross my path when they are meant to.  But, some of the pictures, wooo honey, taco meat, wholly under ware,  men taking pictures without shirts with soft bellies....lol. Anyways, I'm looking for a personal trainer type, someone athletic, clean and polite, that I can see 3 times a week, an hour per session. I can go to his place, escape for a bit, get the fantasy, get my workout, learn a couple of new things, stretch, take a shower, go home, hug my baby, and go to sleep. No drama, no complications, just two adults that agree, no games, no rudeness. No miscommunication, no confusion. If it is meant to be, then it will be. If not I will continue on the celibacy road.....only time will tell....

Hurt

I'm sad...I am not sure how long it will take to get over this pain. Most days I am fine, but every couple of months I feel down. No one knows how long it takes to heal a broken heart.

Same soup, different bowl

After 18 months of silence, I finally had a chance to communicate with my child's sperm donor. In the future I am going through the court system. It seems he still wants to believe that he did not father my child, I guess that's what he has to tell himself . And honestly, I wish to God it was someone else too, but unfortunately it is not. I was hoping that we could come to some sort of mutual agreement, but this guy is just difficult for no reason. After all this time, I am tired of trying to be nice to someone that can rationalize using females as if they are disposable dishware. I thought I wanted my daughter to get to know his side of the family, but forget it. My child is an African American female, and every African (male and female) I have met thinks that we are beneath them. My mother told me so, but I didn't want to believe her. I thought she was being bias.  With my experiences I have to believe she is right, the way my sperm donor dismissed me like I was nothing, and wanted me to kill my child for his sake,  hurt worst than having a racist spit in my face.  At least with the racist I knew where he was coming from, so that sort of behavior is expected. After a couple of messages, I had to put an end to it, I believe he has gotten worse in terms of attitude. You would think that him, going home, and doing what he said he WANTED to do, marrying a girl from his past, would mellow him out a bit. He has a hard heart, and there's nothing I can say nice or nasty that is going to change that. Only God will be able to do that, but I'm done with hoping anything nice for him. In a way, I am grateful, because now I can truly focus on getting myself back together without wondering, if he is doing okay. I know it is strange, he abandon me and denied his child, and I am wondering if he is okay. Well once upon a time, in my heart of hearts I believed that for someone to do that, there had to be something within them so disturbed on an emotional and spiritual level that there is no way that they could be okay. I treated him well enough, that at the very least that we should be able to come to an agreement without the courts being involved, or so I thought.  But, after chatting with him, I know not. He is not okay, we can not come to a mutual agreement. I do not want to be bothered by him ,or anyone associated with him, or anyone like him (well except for my daughter).  After chatting with him today, I realized that man I knew died in Afghanistan, I don't know who that was that returned and that's exactly what I am going to tell my daughter, spare her feelings, mine have been hurt enough for the both of us.

My daughter likes to hit people in the face. She knows how to clap her little hands together, and she likes to clap her hands while my head or anyone's head is between them. So I have been telling her "No, no." With a stern look directly into her eyes, and since she is quick learner, she seems to understand. Now, I don't have to be so stern, I can just say "no, no", and she will stop. So, if she gets it, I am not sure why adults can't get it. My old assistant, texted me, looking for some validation, that he still has it. I don't have time or care to stroke his ego, it will not benefit me in anyway. He has a wife for that. I am not going to allow him or anyone to use me for things that your wife should be doing. If she is not, then you two need to work on that, don't contact me under the pretense that you are checking on me and my daughter. Same thing with my sister, we are family, however she has been rude, one too many times. I have nothing for her. Nothing is going on, so there's no need to call me everyday to waste my time, and if it was, there's nothing she can say to make it better. I am done with people thinking they can treat me any kind of way, and I am suppose to be okay with it. I can forgive, and forget. I forgive you, and forget you at the same time.  No, no. I'm not going to allow it.

Decisions

As I am preparing to finally begin to get back into the work force, I have some heavy decisions to make. First, where I want to live. I took my licensing exam, and I am awaiting the final results which are due to post this Thursday or Friday, I passed the other four parts, and I feel confident that I did well on the fifth part, but as I am awaiting the results, I have been thinking about moving again. I was thinking Central Florida or Hawaii. I would much rather deal with the heat than the cold.  And I like the sunshine, that gives me motivation to get and stay in shape. Plus when my parents retire I know they are going to want to move down south any way. I liked Florida when I was there, but I fell in love with Orlando.  I have been to Miami countless times, so that's no big deal, but Orlando was cool. Not too country, not too urban. Plus I can take my baby to Disney or Sea world or the Holy Land Experience or Universal Studios as much as she likes while she is still young, not to mention no state income tax. I love my family, but I love my freedom more, I was thinking maybe I should work a year here save up and go on back down south. Sale my current house, find me a  quiet suburb of Orlando to settle down in plant some roots, finally start a garden,work, raise my baby, and relax. No drama, just a boring yet peaceful happy life. I have to pray about it.

Let God

Sometimes is it hard to let go. I have spent this whole year trying to let go of my anger, and trying to let God heal my heart, and despite the smiles, and all of the wonderful times and blessings, I realized that I am still not completely over it. The other day after many, months of trying to ignore the past. I let my curiosity get the best of me, and I finally looked my sperm donor up on social media. I had an idea that he had gotten married, as my sister told me, but to see the pictures, that angered me. The first thought that came to mind was "This is your wife? I wasn't sure, but I thought she was your sister from her physical features." And you are posting the pictures, and I look at her page, and nothing has changed. If I ever get married, I say if because at this point it is HIGHLY unlikely, I am going to tell the world. Shout it from the roof tops, and both of our pages will reflect that we are ONE.  Then something came to me  that said this modest "innocent" one is the one that is going to break him down.  Then I thought, how it wasn't fair that I face the consequences of my actions head on, and how not just him, but some males in general can just move on to the next without seemingly missing a beat, no remorse. Like oh well, that's her problem not mines. Then I got angry that I would even get involved with someone who is spiritually dead. Then I thought about getting him later, but then a small voice said...."Don't let him have that control over you. He has moved on and doesn't care. Plus people only post the nice pictures, and weddings are nice, but after all of that is over, the marriage begins, and how you start off is how you end up...Look you noticed she didn't change her pictures, after posting his pictures he changed his back only after two months, and she looks drunk, and his eyes look older...everything is not what it seems. God knows and sees all, lean not on your own understanding. You have a beautiful daughter, instead of holding on to the memory of how things happened after she was conceived, hold on to the memory of how you felt about him up until that point, for you there was nothing artificial about that, your feelings for him were genuine . Let God have your troubles, relax and enjoy your family, and thank God that (If) when you begin again, there will be no baggage. He blessed you with a clean slate, He has given you the opportunity to have someone in you and your daughter's lives who is worthy both of you. Forget about him, and don't go back on his page again, he's part of the unchangeable past.....let it go, and let God take care of your present and future." I am happy that God knows me, and speaks to me, and I listen.

Revenge

Earlier this week, my mother told me a story of a co-worker (Jane) who introduced another co-worker (Sally)to her husband (Rick), and to make a long story short, as Rick and Jane were going through relationship problems that would lead to a divorce, Sally and Rick would later have a fling soon after the divorce. Jane and Sally would have to see each other everyday at work, no longer friends. Jane is deeply hurt, and I told my mother to tell Sally that the best revenge is moving forward, doing better and  forgiving and then forgetting about those that hurt you. It takes time, but I know from experience that when people hurt you they are not thinking about you, they are thinking about themselves, so sometimes they don't even know or care about your pain. It is not until someone hurts them the same way, that they even realize what they did, if they realize it at all. But, you can't dwell in it, that experience is just part of your story and everyone has a story. But whether you choose to make it a story that focuses on the tragedies or triumphs that's a matter totally up to each person living through the experience.

Thinking

So next week, I will have been home exactly one year, as I am I preparing to return back into the work force, and into a place I can call home (with just me and the baby), I am looking forward to a buddy. Ideally I would like a husband, but I don't feel like living with anyone or being in someone's face or them being in my face 24/7, or just putting up with their mess, or even getting to know someone on that personable level. I just want a buddy. I don't have to cook for him or entertain him, wash his clothes, listen to his repressed child hood memories. I don't care about his mental, or emotional issues, I am not trying to be anyone's friend or have anyone new in my life (or my daughter's life), just a really good physical release, then I go home, he goes where ever, and we only call when we are ready for a release again. I am thinking maybe two or three, I have learned to never put all my eggs in one basket, we all go down to the clinic, get that blood work prior too, wrap that thing up, and be adult about this. I don't have time for a relationship with anyone new. I was thinking that my daughter needed a father figure, but I really can't trust anyone with her other than people I already know. She knows and trust my father (her grandfather), so he is doing a fine job. No need to rock that boat.

It's been over a year, and frankly I stopped counting. I was thinking about getting an escort, I know a place where that is legal, but is it worth it to spend the money for the lack of drama? Plus most men my age have been with countless women anyways, so I am not worried about that, but men's egos sometimes get in the way. They like to think that all women want to tie them down, and want a relationship with them. When some times that's not the case at the moment. Right now, I don't have time to devote to building a relationship with a needy man. After I start working and get my child in daycare, I can devote 15- 90 min max, 2 to 3 times a week for sex only the rest of my time is taken. I don't want to know any personal information, other than he is HIV negative, heterosexual, single (not legally married to anyone), has great stamina, impeccable hygiene (oral and all), at least seven inches. (6.5 if its curved), is not a drug addict, not chain smoker , not an alcoholic. Someone to lay pipe and leave once I am done. Oh well, we will see what the future holds, or if I change my mind, and continue on this celibacy road, because there's no drama on this path . It was just a thought.

My Baby

I love my baby. She is too much. I am so happy that she is happy, that's important to me. I do silly things to make her laugh, I love her little giggle. These are good moments....

Slumber Party

A couple of weeks ago, my mother and I decided to invite my 8 year old niece for a weekend with the girls, this included her two cousin ages 5 and 3. So after J's(8 year old) fashion show, and walking around at the expo, going to get cupcakes, and dinner, running around outside, not to mention my crying infant because she didn't want to be away from me, all the Nicki Minaj (clean version) songs that I can stand, baths, lotion downs (no ashy girls), wrapping up hair, and let's not forget all the back talk, I am happy that at 1130 pm. they are all asleep. But, the thing is I don't hate it, it's work, but I almost cried when I saw my niece on that runway, I was thinking man she has grown so fast (are those little breast growing.....ahhhh), is this what I have to look forward to? WOW. Tomorrow we are suppose to be going to church, and that is gong to be crazy, because I don't know which car we are going in. I was thinking maybe I could sit them down and give them a lesson here. I know enough about the bible to teach them. It would be better than dressing up and them going to church not learning anything other than church is a place where people dress up and sing songs, it's a shame some adults still think that's what church is all about.  I am thinking, me teaching them would be better, at least I know that way they would have some understanding. Plus J, will listen to me, and if she listens then the others will also.  All in all I enjoy slumber parties, they are a lot of work yes, but I love children, they are pure, and their perception is always optimistic. The 5 year old said auntie you need to have another baby, I just laughed at her, and said not right now. I want another one, so my child will not be my only child, but not now. I am on the verge of getting it together. Its not the time, I am beyond celibate, and my body hasn't been right since the birth of my daughter, I get two weeks of bliss, before the red dot sale, I'm still lactating even though I stopped breast feeding almost six months ago. I might have to go to the doctor and get put on hormones. I hate them, I want everything to get back on track naturally, so I will wait a little more. Anyway, I am tired those girls wore me out. It was a great day......

Only God

Sometimes I feel as if God and God alone understands exactly what I am going through, it doesn't matter how much I try to talk to people to make them understand,  it seems as if I am not communicating or my point is not coming across clearly. If I speak directly, I am rude or mean, insensitive, or at times I feel why go through the trouble of trying to explain, when I don't have their full attention. Well, at least here there is no judgement and if there is I don't care, I have to get to a point where I truly believe that people's judgement of me don't matter, they have neither a heaven nor a hell to place me in. Like when I look at the stats for this page, I don't know anyone in Russia, Germany, or the UK, but it seems that for some reason people there are interested in my ramblings, thanks for your support. I thank you for taking time out of your lives to read about mine, there is no greater gift than that, (because time is the only gift we are given that we can't get back once it is gone), and if you choose to spend your's reading my journal, then I truly hope you gain something it. (hopefully learning from my mistakes). Mistake number one NO AFRICAN MEN, stay away from them and your lives will be better off....lol....I'm joking, good and evil people come in all races and nationalities, sexes and ages. Just pray, and keep your guards up. I have learned that good people are good no matter what, they may not always be nice (me), but they do good, not have good intentions, but actually do good with no selfish motives. I haven't come across many of these, but I know they are out there.

Anyways, I have mixed feelings about a thing, I see my sister-in-law, and my mother so wrapped in their husbands that I am not sure if they are making idols out of them. I am not sure if it is the environment or if I am "bitter", or if it is just my personality. Even my friend wants to hook me up with a guy. I am not a lesbian, but I just feel that my life should not be so caught up in another, that I loose myself, or that I loose sight of even God. I am not going to stop being myself to please another, some call it compromise, but from what I have seen, the men don't compromise at all. I am still going to do what I was doing before, I am not going to stop going to church, or doing the things I like to do. Even when I was screwing my child's father, I still did and went where I wanted to go alone. I have always been a "loner" I don't mind going to the movies alone, restaurants alone, concerts alone, clubs alone, I figure you can meet new people when you get there, have fun, and leave their asses right there, now that may not be the safest, and I know that Jesus is with me always because I am still here, and now since the little one is here, there will be none of that (club, concert) because she has only me to depend upon. Maybe I am not ready for a relationship, with anyone other than God. Because at this point I could see myself getting married to someone that I'm not in love with, if he could be a great father to my daughter, a provider, and gives me good sex when I want. We don't even have to sleep in the same bed, in fact I would prefer it that way, so I wouldn't be all hot (I can't sleep when someone is all on me and it is hot and I am sweating). Before I said that I wouldn't get with anymore military men, but at this point it would be even better, that way he could deploy, and get out of my face for at least half a year, come home all is good for a short while, then bye bye babe, see you again in another six months, I'll take care of home and the pay check while you are away "fighting for freedom", I've had practice...lol. I am so sick of all this fantasy, happily ever after crap, it never works out that way. I am not sure I want passion (good or bad) that shit is draining and you end up worse off than the beginning, I want stability, routine. Only God knows what I need, I reckon ( the country's coming out...lol) He will give to me, at the right time.

I prefer battery operated

I love the spring, I like the flowers, the perfect breezes, along with the mild warm weather and sunshine. This morning I heard Kirk Franklin (and the real singers) song Love (I think that's the name of the song), I had forgotten just how much I like that song, anyway, today was a good day.

 The other day I was chatting with my old assistant, and for a minute I had forgotten that he was married with two children, I am not going to lie, I enjoyed the sexual undertones of the conversation, but then I thought about his poor wife, so while we were working together, I had gotten pregnant shortly after beginning to work with him (by someone else, let me clear that up), and looking at his behavior about the office, I knew that he was a hoe, and didn't keep his mouth shut. I was thinking here is a man in his late thirties, attractive, clean cut, with a beautiful wife and two beautiful girls (see womanizers always have daughters as a pay back), okay job, and he would risk losing all of that (job included) for a piece of ass, what a fool. I would see him everyday, flirting with every woman he saw, I didn't care because as long as he did his job, kept my operatory clean ( I have to give that to him, he was VERY clean, I can't stand a nasty sloppy, junkie man), well stocked, and was respectful, his personal affairs didn't concern me. He used to ask me to go to AppleBees all of the time ( I thought that was too much of a coincidence, being as though that's where the trouble started with my sperm donor), and the service was/ is a  small place, so I figured he either knew my sperm donor, or the sperm donor ran his mouth, and he knew someone that knew him, either way I was not going to knowing have a fling with a married man, and in the work place, both situations separately have a bad outcome, but together makes it even worse. I know that he just wanted some new pussy, because a man once told me that there's no pussy like new pussy, but being as though I was pregnant and so angry that sex was the furthest thing from my mind ( it still is, well kind of ), and the fact that he was very married, that made me even more angry. I was so mean and nasty to that man that I almost made him cry, on a couple of occasions, but he it wasn't him, I was just taking my anger out on him, that I should have been taking out on my sperm donor, but I couldn't or I am not so sure that I would have my freedom...lol. I laugh now, but I was mad as hell. I used to wake up out of my sleep, get in my car and drive by his apartment, thinking, what could I do that would express my anger without having the end result of me being in handcuffs? I thought about putting mini snickers bars in his beloved car tank. Tagging his vehicle, literally blowing the car up, then something would say, if you do any of those things you'll be in jail, then who will take care of your baby. You will not be able to practice again , you've worked too hard to throw that away for this fool that doesn't give a damn about you or even his baby, forget this guy, then I would go home and pray, and cry myself to sleep.  I thought about going up to his job and fucking him up, then I would look like the crazy one...lol. If I was younger, maybe I could have gotten away with it, but thank God I didn't act on impulse. Thank God...even in the mist of my rage, He was there to talk some sense into me. Anyway, so this assistant, and I were chatting and  I had to remind him that he was married. It's like he had forgotten, what a fool, I declined his advances, I didn't "send him a pic", I told him that I was done giving out samples, which I am. A penis is a penis is a penis, some are bigger, thicker, longer, curvier than others, but I am familiar with them, and  I am done with ones that are attached to assholes, I have had more than my share of those, it would be nice if one could find me, with a Man attached to it...ha ha ha ....until then I will just use the one that comes with batteries, no problems with those. No drama, No diseases, no baby mama drama, no infidelity, no lying, no emotional attachments, just turn it on, buzz buzz buzz ahhhhhh, wipe it off, put it away and  go to sleep.

Time waits for no man.....

Today I was riding with my sister in law and she happened to have Pleasure P playing on the ipod, oh the memories...lol, but they are just that memories. Nothing can be like it was, time keeps moving forward, I would write more, but I am so sleepy.....Goodnight.

All Day Long

Today started off wonderful, but once this child of mine woke up, she cried all day long. If she was an adult I would have screamed at her, or slapped her, but since she is a child and I know that she doesn't understand, and can't communicate verbally, I just did the best I could do. I fed her, changed her, let her sleep, and attempted to un-braid and re- braid that thick bush of hair. Needless to say she has an afro...lol. Today I needed a nanny or baby sitter, someone to take this child while I just relaxed. My parents get home, and all they can say is "well that's what babies do". It is okay some times, but I need to go back to work, so I can get a break from this at home mom shit. I joked with someone about getting any job, even if it makes just enough to pay the daycare, for the brief break, I am considering it. I am not the kind of person that needs anyone in my face all day, everyday to prove I love them. I prefer if they go away, sometime sort of like a reminder, that no one, except Jesus is going to be with you always. Plus it gives me a chance to miss them.  I need a weekend, just a weekend to myself, a hotel room, a spa, and some room service. No one to remind me of how much weight I've gained since getting pregnant, no one to remind me that I don't have a job, no one vomiting on me, or crying because they are hungry, no new bills in the mail, no one calling me for me to listen to their stories of how great their lives are, or calling to be noisy about what I am doing with my life....just silence. I need for something good to happen. I don't want to hear one more, this too shall pass, or it's going to be okay....I need for it to be okay now, not tomorrow. I need a miracle now. Oh well, enough wining....let me sleep, tomorrow will be better.

Quiet Time

Lately things have been good. I was excited that my baby girl finally uttered the words mama. I am sure she will be talking my ears off in no time...lol. Yesterday as I explored the area, I may have found an area suitable for raising her, great school systems, convenient to all stores,  close to the water, not too far away but far enough from the grandparents and the rest of the family, and to top it all off, the people were really nice. Just random strangers, it is important to me that people are nice, living here people are just so rude, and I don't need that type of energy all day every day.  It is a well kept up area, so when everything works out, then we will be moving there. It's early in the morning I should be reviewing my material for the written portion of this exam coming up on Friday, but since the little one is asleep and the house is quiet, and I have been so tired lately (trying to exercise and rid my body of this baby weight), I haven't made the time to sit and write, so I decided that instead of writing  late at night, I would wake up early, and after chatting with God, reading my daily bread, getting a snack, and before the sun and my little girl rises, I would sit and just write. Anyway, as I was searching for material (books) to study for my exam, first I was surprised that I kept so much of this stuff, second, I am so happy that I don't have to go through professional school again. But, the good thing is that now when I am reviewing the material, I know it, because I have actually had a chance to use it ( well not in a 11 months), but it is different than when I attempted to learn it without having any experience. As I look back, I know it was no one but God that help me make it through. I used to cry and pray so much, because I didn't know how to study. Everything in terms of school work just came so easy to me. I would listen in class, take a few notes, and then just past the test. I didn't have to study because I listened in class, even in college. But in professional school, the amount of information you are required to learn and the amount of time allotted required out of class study, so I prayed and cried and studied. I had a great study partner, he is was a teacher prior to entering medical school, so he had a way of making the concepts easy to understand. Every time we studied together I would get an A. Too bad that we could never see eye to eye on the relationship level. He was even upset that I had a baby without him, negro please, was I suppose to wait on him, while he screwed all of the nurses on his floor....lol. He is young intelligent attractive and potentially wealthy, plus he was a womanizer before becoming a Dr. so no way, plus Medical Doctors are never home anyway.  Work is their life. Anyway, I am happy that I don't have to go through professional school ever again, I have my degree, and best of all I actually know my profession...funny right. Well, my quiet time is over, the little one is awake, the sun is up, and it is time for us to begin our day.

Moments

I have come to realize that lucky for us that we don't remember every second of everyday, we remember the important moments. Like I remember the very moment my daughter was born, and even though I had the epidural, I could still feel the pressure, and I will never forget that. I also remember being so amazed that once she was in my arms, I didn't want her out of my sight, and that her life was worth all the pain (emotional and physical). She is so big now, 7 months later and attempting to walk (with assistance). That time just pasted so quickly, she is growing yet I still have that baby weight...ha ha ha. In two months or less, I will be working again, I am excited about that, it took awhile, but I believe that I am ready to fight decay with a smile, again. I am ready to live with The Holy Spirit, myself and my daughter only...ready to re-establish a routine. I remember so many moments, but I hold on the good ones, I write because I tend to forget the bad, and that's a good thing for me, but when it comes to people, that can be a bad thing as well, because if I allow them back into my life, I can end up repeating the same old story. It has taken awhile but I am learning that I can forgive, forget, and keep people away for my own safety, and be perfectly guilt free.  But anyway, I remember moments, and those that I don't I write down, I have on tape, which I love, because taping moments show it all, no lies. I don't know how to edit, so whatever is on the tape, is how it was at that moment in time. It is so funny that while I am doing things I have no idea of why, but later on it all makes sense. Like for example, a gave a  then companion a Christmas gift of a Sade CD, because earlier during one of his late night rambling sections, he mentioned that he had that CD and he would play a song for his daughter to fall asleep too, but he had since misplaced it. But, when I gave him the CD, he told me to keep it for my own daughter. Now at the time, I was pregnant with my daughter and didn't know it. I don't play it for her at all, but when I look at that Sade CD I remember that moment, it is like a movie flashback, foreshadowing my future. It seems like it happened only a short time ago...

What is your wealth?

Lately, I have been focusing so much on what I want and my plans for the future, that I haven't been taken enough time to thank God for what I have. But I am thankful. I went to the movies tonight with my sister in law, I know I said previously that I was not going to hang out with her, but she is family, and she is a good person. Afterwards, we stopped by Friday's which was full of entertainment, drunks with fake boobs, yelling matches and drunk people getting kicked out by security. But, I met this waiter Albert, and he was telling me about his son, back home with his family, and his girlfriend here, he said he planned to go to College but had not yet enrolled, and as I questioned him more, the clearer it became that he didn't know what he was going to do. He has a four year old son, and it just so happens that he left home four years ago, but he talks to the boy on skype. He told us the story of how his father had six wives and 22 children, and his father takes care of them all (financially). He boasted that out of the 22 children only one smokes and drinks. But it seems to me that if the father was setting such a great example, why isn't he following his footsteps? It was sad to me, I couldn't be one of six wives, giving my all, while I am only getting 1/6th in return, negro please. I don't want to share period or we will both be sharing,  and if that's how it is going to be then why be married? I am not down with those cultural differences, not judging, but no way, its not for me. I am an AMERICAN WOMAN, born and raised, and I want a provider, but I want a friend, lover, husband, and involved father, I am so happy I don't have to depend on anyone by God to take care of me, and that means I don't have to sell my soul or body to receive His blessing, (Jesus paid that price for me).....Preaching (LOL)

 But, I don't know how people could skype their babies, I was so thankful for the time to go on the "date", but I was also so happy to be going home to my parents and my big headed baby. I was excited to just Thank God, that I am not going home to an empty home. I am happy and thankful, that I can pray to God, talk to God, listen to God, sing to God. This is my wealth. I have the FREEDOM to do that. I have the chance to start over, with a more discerning spirit. I can hug and kiss my parents who are both still alive and well. I can laugh with my baby girl, and hold her, and sing to her (even though she laughs). She is in the bed with me now, she was head butting my arm as I was typing this, and she looked at me with those big pretty eyes as if to say, I am trying to sleep mommy. I would stop typing and she would put her head down, and then it would pop back up as I began to type again. Hilarious. I love these little moments. Here is where my wealth dwells. I am overflowing with, and surrounded by LOVE. 

Love Doesn't Hurt

Lately I have been cutting back on my social media usage, and I know as soon as I am employed again, I am thinking about canceling my accounts all together. The main reasons I keep the accounts open now are to read inspirational messages, and so my daughter's family (both sides) will be able to see pictures of her.  My family, especially my mother's side does not get to together except for funerals (so sad),and I only have to visit my father's side every year or so. And just to be a fair mother, I think that her father's family should at least know what the child looks like, so if in the future she decides she want to make babies with anyone, hopefully there will be no intermingling with unknown family members.

Anyways, I read some non-sense that bothered me. I could never understand how someone could say *&^ love, and then in the next post say something about God. Don't you know that God is Love? Love doesn't cause pain, love is not confusing, love is not deception, rejection, lust, selfishness. I have had enough experience to know what love is not. If you think that love hurts, then that's not love. No your feelings were hurt because someone rejected you, lied to you, deceived or betrayed you, took your love for granted for their selfish reasons. I wonder if these people read their Bible's or if they just go to church and hear what they want to hear. Your CREATOR is LOVE there are many examples of His love throughout the Holy Bible. Love does not hurt, and I have learned the hard way, that some people can't accept love because they don't know what it is. To them it is a game, or something to be suspicious of. But you know, there is no shame in LOVE. Love wants the best for you, even when you don't want it, or can't see it for yourself. Love forgives, and forgets. Love doesn't hurt.  There is a whole passage in the Bible ( 1 Cor. 13, I think) about love, if you ever want to know if someone loves you like they say, refer to it, and see.

Back

Five,  no six years ago (my my the time does fly) I had to take an exam for me to work in 41 of the the 50 states, I was unsuccessful two times, so being as though I had an obligation and time line, and I was hurt that I failed twice, I decided to go a different route to receive a license to work, after all I was joining  the military, they didn't care which state as long as it was one of the states. Fast forward to today, I can only work in two maybe three states without having to take some form of that test. So in order for me to move forward freely, I must go back and conquer that test. I am much more prepared today, then I was back then. I told myself I would never take that test again. Ha who was I fooling. I heard the radio preacher, say the same thing today. I take it as God trying to tell me something. "Sometimes in order to move forward, you have to go back." Moses is an example that comes to mind, he spent 40 years in the wilderness running away, but in order for him to fulfill his God ordained destiny he had to go back to Egypt. Yep, sometimes you have to go back,  finish unfinished business, make things right before God can place you where He wants you to go next.

Yearning

My parents went away to celebrate their 40th anniversary. That is a long time, they grew up together, my mother was only 19 and my father 21 when they said those vows. I am a witness that it was not all roses, and my mother told me herself, if I didn't come home when I did, they may not have made it. (God does work in mysterious ways). I am happy for them, but in their absence I long for companionship. I can talk to my daughter all day, but I will only get smiles, spit, and dada as a response. I am ready to get together with a man, I know that I will not be a single parent for long, once we move out of here. I don't want to be, never wanted to be. Someone I can be myself with, that will not take advantage of me or my daughter. Someone I can love on that will not get sick of it (not sex, but just be affectionate with). In time.....in time.

Pride

If anyone truly knows me, they know that I like to be independent. I have worked since I was 15 years old. I have been foolish at times with my money, but I have always managed to put a little bit away for a rainy day. And it has been pouring, so much so that I am out, so I have had to dependent on the Government, and my parents for help. It has been humbling. I was finally at the point where I was pulling in the six figure salary, and life was like uh uh honey, not so fast. It was like keep making money, but it will cost you in the long run, and this chump change ain't worth doing the right thing. But, that's okay, at least it happened now (it being starting over), as opposed to later when I would have gotten REALLY comfortable. I thank God that my parents are able to help me out, I have never asked, because I have always felt that as an adult, my parents delight in seeing me do well without having to ask for help, and I like it. I enjoy not having to ask anyone, but God for help. However, since the flood of circumstances, I have had no choice, I have had to swallow my pride and accept the help my parents offered. I laugh because before I used to get so angry because they would always help my siblings out, and never offer to give me a little something. But, at the time I didn't need any help, and I sure as hell wasn't going to ask, but I am happy they are here when I need them. And best thing is that they know as soon as I am back on my feet, I am going to pay back every penny. I am not going to take advantage of my parents, I have siblings that do that, and that think that they are entitled or that my parents owe them, that just burns me up. Plus, I have a child, and I would not want her to have that mentality. I am blessed to have a home to go back to, and parents that are able and willing to love me unconditionally. I will make sure my child has the same.

Speaking of which, this little girl is so smart, and sweet. I was drinking a bottled water with my right hand, and holding her in my left arm, and as I lifted up the bottled she put her little hand on the bottom of the bottle to hold it up ( that's exactly how, I feed her with her bottle). I thought it was so cute, that she would even try to help "feed"mommy. She's a quick learner, which was a reminder to me to watch what I do, say, and behave in front of her, because she certainly is. I just thought that was the cutest kind jester. It made me smile.

Open

The other day, I needed to go pray. It is true you can pray anywhere, but I felt the need to be in the house of the Lord. And since it was not a Sunday, or a designated "prayer" time most of the Protestant Churches were closed, doors locked, and in some cases parking lot gates chained. So, I went to a Catholic church, I am not Catholic, and have at times called it along with Jehovah's witnesses a cult. It is not a cult, there are just some traditions I strongly disagree with, but when it came time for me to pray, the church doors were open, and I was not turned away. I am having a flashback of when I was in high school, and we went to London, I was with this tour group and we stayed awake partying and they were (not me) smoking green stuff (spoiled brats), and it was scheduled on the tour that we attend Easter Sunday Mass at Westminster Abbey the next day, and I was so sleepy from staying up all night that during prayer, I was so thankful for the padded prayer stools, because I was comfortable kneeling to sleep during that seemingly long service. I remembered those prayer stools, and was thankful again when I needed them this time to actually pray. I was delighted that the church was open, it was only a hand full of people, mostly older women but of all ethnic groups. I didn't feel awkward at all. I felt welcomed, and as I knelt to pray I was comfortable, even once the tears began to flow. People always have a way of making you feel weak for crying, it was just how I was raised. Out of all the funerals I have attended I can count on one finger, how many I actually cried at. Since becoming pregnant though, it is like the water works have been turned on, and I can cry at a moments notice, but I don't like to because it drains me. I need a good sleep afterwards, and with the little lady to care for I can't just cry and then sleep. Anyways, I was happy that the doors of the church were truly open when I needed them to be...it was nice.

Light

So, I have been the fog about where I should settle, what I should do, when I should begin to work? All of these questions have been on my mind daily, so I have been frustrated. I finally went to go see the "seer" and I know now (after much needed prayer), that she may hear "spirits" but they are not from God, so I will not be getting anymore "readings". That doesn't mean that, she is all bad, however she has allowed herself to be influenced by things, I'd rather not deal with. I have enough evil people trying to bring me down, I don't need any more evil spirits in my life. Her mentor, suggested that I go to church, and I did, after some time in prayer, I felt better, and things began to clear up. And the more I pray the clearer my path is laid out before me. I have been fighting it for a long time, but it is time to let my anger go. I'm not saying that I will not have bad days, but people are moving forward everyday, my baby is six months old, and she has little teeth now. She is a pretty little thing, she looks so much like her father it pains me to look at her sometimes, and her favorite word is dada, but she is all mine, and both of our blood runs through her veins. And she is so happy. She smiles when I sing, I am not sure if it is smiling or laughing, but she seems to like it. And just music in general she likes. She has the biggest eyes, and I am happy that she is here. I probably would have had a nervous break-down if I didn't have her. God gave me this gift, how insulting would it be for me to give it back to Him without even experiencing the joy and love she brings me. Yes, I was and still am at times angry with her father for leaving, but not for me, more for her, but my anger towards him is only affecting me, so I have to just say to hell with it. And focus on my little bundle of joy.

 I am not going to rush getting back to work, bills will get paid when they get paid. I am just going to chill, I am tired of crying, and stressing over people or things which I have no control over. Things are starting to get better.

No Reciprocity Here

For what seems like the longest time to me, I have been dwelling in the past, and trying to figure out the quickest way possible to get over getting my feelings hurt, forgive those who hurt me, so that I may move on to the next chapter in my life. Everyone tells you what to do, but no one seems to know, how. I was talking to an older woman today, and in the midst of my emotions, she said you have to get the "hell the over it", and I asked her HOW?! Tell me what to do so I can get over it. Then she said something about its going to take time, but she didn't tell me how to forgive someone for hurting you. How to let go of the anger, but I discovered that if admitted not only to her but to myself aloud, and I heard myself speaking the words of how I truly felt, that it lifted a weight, that had been weighing me down for at least a year. To admit that I was hurt and felt deceived and rejected, and that I felt I had been betrayed, and that even though my hurts were, all of these feelings were rooted in love. If I didn't still love, and care for the person that hurt me, then I couldn't hold on to the hurt. It wouldn't matter if I didn't care. And once I admitted aloud that I still loved him even after all the mistreatment, and the rejection and abandonment, a weight was lifted. I feel like, okay, I loved him and he didn't love me back. But, that's okay, there is no wrong in loving someone, I didn't do anything wrong. I treated him the way I wanted to be treated. I didn't pretend, I didn't deceive him, I didn't lie to him, it was 100% real on my end. I opened my heart let him in, and I got hurt. I loved him and he didn't love me back. I am accepting that. It hurts but, life goes on. I was good. He always would say "be good" and I was. I was open, and it was a joke to him. He was a good pretender, he even gave me little gifts just to string me along, I thought they were thoughtful, a letter, a pilsner glass from his travels, and a wooden figurine. I used to read that letter almost every night, when he was away, and I missed him. And the glass was thoughtful, because I actually did like beer (when I used to drink), and I liked German beer, because a friend of mine introduced me to the smoother taste of German beer during my undergraduate days, and I loved it way better than the bitter beers here. I don't remember if I ever told him that story, but it was thoughtful and I really liked it, because it also fit nicely with my other shot glasses from my travels. And last but not least, the wooden figurine with the big bottoms. I don't have a round bottom, just a flat one, still jiggly, but it was a joke and it made me laugh at the time. Too bad it was all just little things to keep me hanging on like a fool. He played me well, and I fell for it. I loved him and he didn't love me back. The more I say it, the more I can accept it, and not be angry. In time I will have no emotional response towards anything regarding him, other than my daughter. Because, I still love him, and he never loved me at all.

It gets easier...

Have you ever been through so much, that little things don't matter. My sister in law is/was mad at me because I told my brother that she had a "toy" party while he wasn't there, my brother is mad at her because she didn't tell him the truth.  I said this is ridicious, and I am not going to be in middle, so I am removing myself from the equation, my sister in law is cool, but I can't be her friend. I don't have time for the mess. Family is cool, but I don't need anymore drama, so if they have to be cut then so be it. Ain't nobody got time for that.....lol

Early Morning Rant

Most of the time I get on this thing and I write about what is troubling me at the moment in time, and I don't re-read it often. This "blog" or rather on-line journal serves as means for me to vent my frustrations exactly how I feel in the language I feel without judgement, sort of like a written prayer, exactly like a written prayer. I can't hold my feelings in, and I have to be 100% honest. I have to be, or I am wasting my time, and I realize that anyone out there reading this, may think that I am a bitch dwelling on the negative, and that I need to move forward. And that may be true, to an extent, because rarely do I write what I am thankful for, and if anyone truly knew me, before, I was the poster child for positive thinking, and at times I still am. And I am not making excuses, but when people are hurt, depending on how deeply, it takes time for that to heal, it's not like the movies where you can fast forward to three years later, and boom, back to happy again. You have to live through every second of that healing. So some days I feel great, well most days I feel great, there are times when people don't feel like hearing, about my hurt feelings again and I know this, as everyone has their own battles. I am human, yes I am a Christian, but no I am not perfect, and it is so easy to be angry, and dwell in it. Sometimes my self pep talk goes something like this "Girl, that nigga is gone, and never coming back. He is not sorry, he didn't care about anyone but himself to begin with, why are you wasting time thinking about this guy, praying for this guy. He left you pregnant, screwed the office slut (as that tacky bitch was posting shit all on facebook), and God knows who else, left the country never called to check on you while you were pregnant, after you had the child, denied you, denied his own child. He tried to convince you to abort her, because he knew that he was promised to marry someone else. When all you did was let him in, cared for him, be there when he needed you. He has other bastard children, so this is not his first time doing this. Maybe somewhere in his culture this behavior is acceptable.  You did nothing wrong, get your shit together. You have a beautiful healthy happy daughter, you have a career, get back on track  because right now she has only you to depend on. You can shoot him in the knee caps later, if you still feel he even worth the cheap ass bullets or the two seconds of your time it would take to pull the trigger. Yeah, you fucked up by letting that nigga in, but never again, not in your life, and definitely not in her life, he is dead to you, there are an estimated 7 billion people in the world, another man will surely come your way. Someone better, now get it together. Go clean yourself  up , stop listening to that sad R&B shit, and get out of this house." I laugh now, but when I am feeling down, my those are my thoughts. But the one thing that stuck out, was that my daughter is beautiful, and she is, she makes me laugh everyday, and she is worth it. Sometimes I think of how my life would have turned out if I did get that abortion, I would have had a lot more money, but I just could not have that on my conscience. I am not a child, that was raped, or that didn't know what I was doing. We were two adults fucking (he would dress it up and say making love), unprotected, on several occasions, and as a result we made "my love".  It will all turn out for the good though, I believe that, Roman 8:28 tells me so.

WTF

You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.  I am referring to my job, oh I miss it so. I miss my money even more. I miss my king sized bed, my kitchen, my freedom. I feel like the more I sit here, the more I am standing still, not moving forward, not getting on with my (our) lives, and it's not like I am not trying. I apply to job after, job after....waiting for the right opportunity. I have accepted the fact that I am going to have to move again. I don't know where I am going to get the money, but I have faith that once I get on the right path everything will come easily. It's just so frustrating not having a plan or knowing when I will find said path....9 months is a long time, but I can't stop trying, even if I have to cry every now and then, more now than then lately. WTF, smh wtf ;(.

Funky mood...

I am not sure why but, I am in a funky (Stank) mood today. It was warm for March, and  tried everything to cheer myself up, but I am not sure what it is. It's not hormones, the red dot sale is over. The baby is behaving, in fact she is asleep early, I thank God for that because I need the quiet. My parents are not acting out of the normal, my father didn't even complain about the salad I prepared for dinner, he made a joke about me hinting that he was fat,even. I am toying with the idea of going raw, not just in my previous sex life...lol,  but food wise. Just to be healthier, not to mention to drop this baby weight as well. Maybe that's it. Since I have changed my diet maybe I am going through a junk food withdrawal, that and the fact that every time I try to search for a job, my efforts are blocked. I have tried several different web sites in terms of uploading my resume. I had a contract position in the works before the sequestration, maybe God is trying to tell me something. Either way, and I know I am not suppose to go visit a seer according to the Bible, but I think that I am going to pay her a visit, to make sure that there is not someone other than the Almighty, and myself trying to block my efforts. I do believe that their are people that wish to do others harm in a spiritual realm. It sounds weird, but I know what I feel. I know what I dream, and it is difficult to explain without sounding totally crazy, but it's not like alot of people actually read this anyway. I believe that as long as I place No other God before the Almighty then I am protected, but that doesn't mean that people, spirits will not try. As a child I used to have dreams, after my grandmother pasted she came to me in a dream. Asked about my mother, and told me to tell her that everything was going to be alright. I wasn't afraid at the time, but as I got older I didn't want to have dreams anymore, the whole ordeal frightened me. I used to be afraid of the dark, and tried to stay awake for as long as possible. 

Before I knew the sex of my child (I wanted a boy badly), but I had a dream of a pretty little baby girl dressed in yellow licking her tongue out at me, and I remember what she looked like vividly, and that's exactly how my little girl looks. The last time I went for a reading, I ended up reading the seer. I am not a trained seer, and it freaked me out, I wanted to learn more about my gift, but she wanted me to train to be this "priestess" in this African religion but I told her it was against my religion, as it is. I told her that God and God alone would have to teach me or lead me to develop my "gift", if it is  His will. But, I'm not going through any rituals or sacrificing any animals. I even called my ex, and he said "don't do it, don't participate in any ceremonies. Those people will drain you dry" in his Nigerian accent.  So I decided not to meet with her "mentor", I didn't have a good feeling about the whole thing, plus I didn't want to join something being totally ignorant of whom/what they were worshiping (anything other than God, is the devil). But, I did learn somethings, about myself, and why I behave the way I do, it has alot to do with "my gift". I am a huge skeptic ,but there are things she knew that only God and myself knew, so she was the real deal, but I felt that she was a bit off, scattered. Like she didn't have control, and she was being lead many different ways, and I like order. I like calmness. She told me that I didn't like to be around a crowd of people which is true. I remember, at my previous jobs there were these potlucks, and I thought it was because they were cooking shrimp (I am deathly allergic) but I would always have to leave the room, because there would be this strange off feeling, I used to joke about it the whole place being evil. There was even a sign on the front door, warning of snakes....lol. But, I have always been reclusive, I never like or need alot of attention, I would rather be in the background doing me. I don't like to live in big cities, she said it was because of my gift, and since I don't know how to shield myself , I am open to alot of spirits or some thing like that. I am not sure, I figured it was just that I liked my space, which I do , and more people = more problems. And the people I do let in, crush my poor little feelings so I would rather not be bothered. Either way, she was right. Which is why I don't want to move to the city. But I will see. I will see her soon, I hope she doesn't have any bad news.....

Once is enough

I know my daughter has other siblings, but if it is left up to me she will not meet them, honestly I am tired of being the bigger person. I didn't make the other children, I am not married to her father, and honestly since he wanted me to kill my child, then told me that he was going to deny her, and treated me worse than a street whore, as if I set him up, (yeah it's every woman's dream to have an unfaithful, irresponsible, uneducated, dead beat baby daddy with multiple children by multiple women as her husband. Yeah by having his baby out of wed-lock that would lock him down, what a catch...lol )  why on earth would I want my child to be associated with anyone that is kin to him, and subject her to being treated or regarded as anything other than the  beautiful blessing she is ?

Side note: I know you are thinking " You should have thought of that before getting pregnant " and I did (actually, it was on the tail end of things that I ended up pregnant, I had prepared well, up until that point...lol. It is so funny because he was suppose to move in, and at that point I thought  "okay if he is going to be living here, let me get on birth control just in case I can get pregnant, because he is fertile, and this ninja is not leaving me with a baby, while he goes off and marries his virgin bride". Ha that's exactly what he did. I am so embarrassed, ashamed, and angry at times, more at myself for even allowing him into my world, for overlooking all of those things just to focus on the positive, and there was some positive character traits at the time (more than just sex)  I know everyone has good and bad and he was showing me the "good guy",  but now I am convinced it was all just a show for him to get what he wanted, how he wanted and I am forced to accept the harsh truth that good men don't abandon their children willingly. I have look at our daughter, who re-symbols him everyday, it is difficult at times, but  then I remember that she is innocent, beautiful, deeply loved  and happy except for when I don't feed her on time..lol..... and that makes me smile, then she smiles. I love it (being a mother) .....I am thinking I should just tell my daughter that I had a one night stand and that I didn't know him that well, and that don't know where he is (which is 2/3rds true..lol apparently I didn't know him that well, and I don't know where he is.). Or better yet that he is dead, that way she will not go searching for him, who knows by the time she starts asking question maybe he will be, and the re-placement will be on deck...lol. Bad Joke, but it's how I feel.

I have to remind myself that he did us a favor by leaving, that opens the door for someone better. Last time I didn't think about the consequences of my actions, but this time I will. I know what to look for in a mate.I am grateful that I can choose a father for my daughter that will cherish her, and protect us, and love her unconditionally, be an example for what she is to look for in a mate. I messed up bad, but the good news is I will not do it again. Once is enough for me. Lesson Learned.

Made for this

Tonight my sister in law hosted one of those "toy" parties, and since we are close, I was there to help with the food, and the set-up. It was a good time amongst women, and it made me realize that I had been there, done that, it was nothing new or exciting there for me. I didn't buy anything, because I have all the toys I need, and because I am not having sex at the moment so there is no need to spice up a none existent sex life, plus I know where the shop is in G-town if I should require anything. The food was good, and the drinks were better, but I missed my baby. I am at  home with her all day everyday, and honestly sometimes I want to breathe for an hour or two, but a whole half of day is a long period of time for me. I enjoy seeing her smile, and holding, kissing her, and watching her little moods. I enjoy being a mother, it is not a chore to me and I prayed to God that if He had ever given me the opportunity to have a child I would cherish it, and I do. I love it, she amazes me. She is such a happy little girl unless you don't fed her on time...lol. I was made for this, motherhood is the best thing I have done in my life thus far.  I'm going to kiss my little pee pee pot Good Night, and go to bed.

Labeling

Today, I accompanied my sister in law to a meeting about my six year old nephew and his "behavior problems", there was a social worker, child psychologist, special education teacher, counsellor, his primary teacher, speech therapist, and one random teacher, all women. I was there for observation purposes, and to be the "level head" in the room just in case in the event my sister in law lost her temper. At the end the meeting it was my conclusion that they were attempting to label my nephew rather than help him, and I suggested transferring him to a school that's better equip to handle a six year old child without prescriptive drugs, and that can stimulate his interest, and hold his attention. He needed to be mentored by, and be encouraged by positive adult black males outside of the home. I didn't see one black MALE teacher in the school, and I didn't agree with the "observe, take notes, label, and ship him off to special education" approach. But, I do agree with how, my family and my sister in law's family are banding together to support my nephew. Not just talking, but actively, searching for an alternative to make sure that he has every opportunity to receive a quality education, so that he may become a responsible, well educated black man. And that's why I don't want to move from here, because of that family support. I need that for my child as well. Every time I think about moving again, for a job, I think about the well being of my daughter. If I move us, sure I will be earning money, but who do I have to depend upon if there's an emergency, and I didn't have behavior issues growing up, but I also came from a two parent home. And I even though environment does play a large factor, some people don't believe it genetics also are a factor, but being as though her father is stubborn as hell now, I can only imagine how he was as a child, so I am not sure what my little princess will be like as she matures. But, then again, that's what faith is for, I believe that whatever happens everything will work out, but that still doesn't mean that I don't think about these things. Also, I thought about sending her to private school, but the cost of that is ridiculous, however, if I feel that the quality of education is better then I will work and send her, but it is my fear that she will become spoiled and become like her father, and expect that it is my duty to take care of her well into adulthood, but I think that since I know what it is like to work, and fail, and pray and earn, I will teach her the same values, and try not to be too harsh, but I also think that it is important for her to travel, to see third world countries, so that she will understand just how fortunate she is. I hate mission trips, I am a fan of running water, and deodorant, and organized traffic flow, but I am also a fan of people that understand the true meaning of  happiness and gratefulness, and humility, people that know that true wealth doesn't lie in material things. I will do my best to try to expose her to as much as possible before sending her out into the world.

Little Girl.......

So when I was pregnant, I was so angry. I mean to the point, that I had to move to keep myself from losing my daughter, and to prevent me from going to jail for attempted murder (lol)...I laugh now, but the thought crossed my mind more than twice, those hormones are no joke, plus I wanted to have my child with my friends and family with in close distance. I remember when she was in the womb and I was upset, she would move around and kick, just to remind me to either calm down or go to sleep, and as soon as I did, she would relax. Emotional is too weak of a word to describe my mental state while pregnant, I was talking with my assistant, and I had to apologize to him for my behavior during my pregnancy, I almost made him (a grown man) cry on a couple of occasions, but it was not him I was angry with. I was nasty towards him and others. My mother, father, and brothers told me that I was down right mean during my pregnancy. I try to stay to myself as much as possible when I get in my angry mood, but when living with family that's next to impossible. So now my beautiful girl is here, and of course she looks like him, but acts like me. I should have named her Stubborn Mean. Because she is....I think it is okay, because I am the same way, if it is not funny she will not laugh, she will look away if she is not interested, and if she doesn't want it, especially food, she will spit it out, then say a couple of baby words, and give this look. It makes me laugh. I don't do  "baby talk", but I will talk to her like she can understand, that way she can pick on the language quickly. I'm surprised that she can say "da-da" already, six months is early, but she is a little sponge ( of course my mother taught her that, because if  it was up to me it would have been ANY other word, but at least she talking so that's all that matters), so I have to be very careful what I say, watch and listen to, and since she is with me  23 hours out of the day, I have control over what she is exposed to. So it is for the most part whatever I say (family says), and a healthy tv diet of Disney Jr, and in the car either Gospel Music ,  1960-1990's  R&B LOVE (not sex) songs, Sermons....(I listen everyday because I don't go to church like I should) News radio, classical, and some pop (I like Ne-yo especially that let me love you song, and the thump of club music when I am sleepy, Bruno mars) she seems to like that too, but none of that 36Mafia mess, bands will make her dance...What the hell?, And the other day I heard this "Gold all in my watch, song" I am getting old, because I can't believe people that call that mess music, it seems the more foolish, the more play it gets. Back to my point, she has a personality, sassy, but I am at the point now where I have the patience, and understanding to tolerate it, and mold her into a young lady( she already crosses her legs at the ankle, it's so cute, she can bearly sit up, but she crosses those legs when she does, and I have to remember that I do the same, even now while I am typing this my legs are crossed at the ankles..lol), we may come to blows during those teenage years, but I will remind her that she may have a daughter one day, and I will not babysit....lol. I figure as long as I teach her to be a responsible, respectable, clean (there is nothing worse than a junkie, nasty woman), kind and loving person then my job as a parent is done. She is, and will remain to be  very fortunate, but not spoiled.  I don't spare that rod. Well my bundle of joy, laughs, and stubbornness is fast asleep, and I should take advantage of this time and do the same.

Whatever happened to my first love

Unlike most girls, I actually waited until I was in college and over 18 yrs old before having a boyfriend. I was so focused on getting out of my parents house, and since it was made clear that if I didn't get a scholarship (full), that I would be footing the bill through loans or working. I still worked part time, just to keep me out of trouble, and for pocket change, but I was so focused on achieving my goals that I didn't have time to pay attention to my hormones. So, once I was in college, I was focused but even with the part time job(s), I still had plenty of time, so I would spend it with a friend. I wasn't too romantic, and I was really straight forward. So after spending days and nights chatting on the phone, and once I felt myself developing feelings  for my then friend, I popped the question "So, when are we going to smash?" just in the middle of the conversation. I laugh now, but I was so serious. I didn't have some oh it has to be special fantasy. I was thinking no one wants to have sex with a virgin, so let's just get this out of the way, so that we can live our young college lives. It was like a job, and I needed experience on my resume. I look back, and honestly I thank God that at least we were friends first, and I have some funny, loving non-sexual memories. I think my favorite thing was watching tv together (reruns of Martin), I used to complain about wanting to go out all of the time ( I couldn't sit still), and he would tell me to just relax because after college was over it would be all about work, and there would be no time to just relax for a majority of the day (he was right), but of course he would be footing the bill also, lol. So that was another reason, but what I liked about him is that he never even assumed that I would pay for anything, even though, I was on scholarship and had a couple of part time jobs, he always took care of everything. But, I would treat him (well), every now and then, just to show my appreciation. I remember one time, my friend was leaving her townhouse to go on a vacation somewhere. It was summer break,(this was the only summer, I didn't have some program planned), so of course I asked her to house sit, she knew he and I were an item, her request was to just have everything cleaned before she returned. He lived in NY, I lived in DC, her house was in Baltimore. So I stocked the house with food, drink, and sticky icky, he was complaining because he was having problems with his car, I remember telling him to just get there, and he got on a bus (he hates buses) and came. It was the BEST, and I knew that he hadn't been with anyone else, not even himself (ha ha ha). It was like a week long honeymoon, I would cook and clean (I didn't mind), because going out took up too much time in between sessions, and he would roll, lite, pass, relax, go to work, then we would eat and pass out, wake up and do it all over again. Oh to be young, dumb and in love....lol. Eventually, we graduated, and he ended up going into the Army, and I into the Navy, I remember getting those "boot camp" letters and being so excited. He joined first, so he would sent me letters of his experiences, he even called, he used to go into the bathroom to sneak and call me...lol, and I remember he got caught, I have never heard so much yelling in all my life....lol, he was nicknamed "Mr. Telephone Man" after that. I was in graduate school at the time, he would send me gifts, and I would workout like a mad person, just so I would be ready for his return. He sent me this lace see- through dress with a thong (I told him to pick out something he and I would like from VS), and it was nice sexy not too slutty, he was going to be the only one to see it anyway. I was so in love with him, today I don't even where lingerie, let along a thong. It is comfortable granny panties all the way :), but if I meet the right person, and I feel they are worth the effort, then I might bring out my A game. The highest it has been over the years is B+, but I'm thinking the next person, might get my A game, not for them but to prove to myself I still got it....but I wonder whatever happen to him. He went to Korea for a couple of years, and came back a different person (on all these anti-depressants) we lost touch after that, but at least I still have some good memories that make me smile.